this is one of those times

Wasn't I just on here talking about how this blog is personal?

It's about to get worse.  

(If you can't handle any more personal, abandon ship!)

I blew it.  In a big way.  And a ministry and a few people that I care about deeply and respect so greatly have been hurt.  It's killing me.

You know this is a complicated and difficult place to live and to minister...for everyone who lives and ministers here.  And while I can honestly say that for 7 years, Matt and I have tried our very best to love and to give and to DO our very best unto Him, sometimes we have.  And sometimes we've failed miserably.  

And while I have worked so hard to use this blog to challenge and to bless and to encourage, sometimes I have.  And sometimes I have failed miserably, and this is one of those times.

On December 20th, I wrote about my view from the back bench...my limited perspective, and just my unresolved raw perspective, at Lily's school Christmas party.  

And I recognized in that post how stinking complicated it all is.  How hard it is to know how to handle delicate situations in a fifth world country in a way that will bring Him glory.  

What I DIDN'T recognize in that post--what I DIDN'T tell you about (or even think about, for that matter)-- was the family and ministry behind the school who has wrestled with these complications far longer than I have even been on this earth... and yet CONTINUE to serve sacrificially, honestly, endlessly, thanklessly, generously.  Beautifully.  Inspirationally.  Who continue to pour out their VERY BEST unto the Lord.  Who we continue to see such abundant fruit through.  

When Brent and Jerry asked last week: "Who is doing it right?  Who is doing well?  What do you see that is beautiful?" We responded quickly: "Have you ever heard the name Mano Laguerre?  Let me tell you some of the awesome stuff we see at Pillatre!..."  

All the while I continue to be inspired by, encouraged by, and thankful for the beautiful ways Manno and Prisca and Haitian Christian Ministries pour out Jesus so well in Haiti...I didn't even THINK about that when I shared by party perspective.While I continue to share almost daily with people what an honor it is for our child and us to be a part of what they are doing there, I didn't share THAT.

And I am deeply sorry.  

As you know, the downside to sharing our hearts and walks with Him publicly is that when we mess up...It's out there.  And our words, even when it's just personal ramblings of a conflicted heart, can hurt deeply, can mess stuff up.  

And while I can feel sick all afternoon and consider never blogging again , and while I can email and call and apologize, I can't take it back.  Can't make it new.   The very people I have wanted to BE a blessing to, I have burdened.

If someone knows what they are doing, if someone is doing the best they can, if someone is loving Haiti well, it is Manno and Prisca.  It is Haitian Christian Ministries. 

If we have SEEN the church BEING His Church in Haiti, it is Manno and Prisca's church.  

If we have TESTIFIED to unbiased, humble, generous, godly and wise love here in Haiti being poured out freely on His children, it has been Mano and Prisca and the team they have surrounded themselves with.

If we have heard the Gospel preached, if we have beheld maturing of believers, if we have personally experienced quality Christian education, if we have seen Christ-compassion to those in need, it is at Haitian Christian Ministries, under Manno and Prisca's leadership.

It is because of those things that my personal ponderings which in turn has potentially harmed their relationship with some of the precious and generous people who HELP them DO WHAT THEY DO that I am devastated. 

If my post made you think, that's ok.  We're called to think.  But if my post made you re-think or doubt Manno and Prisca or their ministries, their wisdom, their cultural experience or how they do things, please stop right now.   Forgive me, take the meat, spit out the bones, and look at my LIFE.

I have no greater testimony than this:  

There were lots of reasons why we WANTED to send our children to a Haitian school.  And many more reasons why it felt impossible.  There are 715 children enrolled in Manno's grade school, alone.  One of them is foreigner.  One of them is our most precious gift.  You have thought we were crazy before for sending Lily to Haitian school.  Maybe you still do.  We have thought the same.  

But Lily is a happy, bi-lingual chatterbox student at Pillatre Christian School because we love, support and TRUST Mano and Prisca Laguerre, who they are and how they do things.

End of story.  

We trust them.  Not just with a Christmas party.  Not just with our friends kiddos.  Not just with cultural issues we don't pretend to understand or have worked out.  

We trust them with the care, education, safety and help in Godly upbringing our baby girl.  

I've got nothing more precious I could entrust them.  

Manno has gracefully and graciously forgiven me for NOT thinking, for not being more careful, for sharing instead of stepping out on trust that he has more than earned, and if my ponderings there hurt your feelings, insulted you, misrepresented you or made you think that you should for some reason stop aligning with this ministry, oh.   It is a miserably failed day.

If you'd like to START aligning with this ministry or have a passion for providing a daily meal and Christian education to one of Lily's 714 grade school-mates, please check out HCM's website for details, or email me.  

Tomorrow, I'm gonna get up and do my very best all over again, by His Grace.  

Thanks for yours.

women of the world: be free.

I've been working through this one in my heart for a while now, and hope you find something here, whowhere-ever you are.  If not, throw it out as another blog from that crazy lady in Haiti.

There was a me who used to live very much so controlled by the thoughts (possible-thoughts) and judgements of others.  Wanting to do the right thing and have a right heart often turned more into wanting to appear the right way and be the way (insert your name here) wanted me to be.

I've had a chance to walk bits of life with all kinds of women, and continue to find lots of God-loving women living shadow-lives of the ones I believe He intended, lives consumed with being judged and judging others, evaluating and comparing, competing and criticizing.

And of course, while we think everyone is judging us, most often our harshest critique and endless critic is OURSELVES.

After all, our American culture hasn't helped.  I love seeing my friend's new baby and friend news updates on Facebook.  But we ALL know how hard it is to enjoy the gifts of "following" our "friends" WITHOUT judging them or judging ourselves, without comparing their circumstances/choices/appearances/abilities/jobs/babies/etc. with ours...Without subconsciously using them to make us feel better about ourselves, or using them to make us feel worse about ourselves.

Magazines, commercials, tv shows, advertisements (all the things we SO don't miss the 10 months a year we're in Haiti!) have us continually feeling like we stand short, like we still need so much, like our lives are lacking, or that we should be going after lots of things that have nothing to do with Jesus.

It was at a particularly low point in my life when I had so embraced the lies of my culture that they were completely shaping my every thought that Jesus broke through.

College, 18 or 19, and very much so struggling with keeping up with the appearances of what seemed to me to be a thousand other girls, all far more beautiful, talented, vivacious, gifted, and generally far more marvelous than me.

Comparing, comparing, comparing, and the more I compared, the more I fell short, and the more I fell short, the more I fought to control what I was sure was one of my greatest shortcomings, my waistline.

Very much so claiming my "freedom", I would launch into competitions with myself to see how long I could go without eating, run until I felt woozy, and picked up some pretty destructive patterns.

But one evening I found myself sitting in the dark cold stairwell, exhausted after forcing myself to lose everything I'd eaten that day.

And all the people I was comparing and competing with?  They were out living their lives, completely unaware of the fact that had even been signed up for a competition.

Galatians 5:1 came rushing back, as the Word promises to when we have hidden it in our hearts.

It was for FREEDOM that Christ set us free.

Suddenly, it hit me like a ton of bricks in my empty stomach.

THIS was not what He had set me free for.  THIS was not freedom.  This was all ME, burdened still by the yoke of slavery...the slavery of judgement and comparison, criticism and negativity.  Living like I was my own.

He didn't set me free for that life.  He set me free for FREEDOM.

That day was my first step of finding it.

As I've prayed for that freedom in every area of my life, God has graciously given me all kinds of opportunities to embrace it, and with His help, I have found sweet identity NOT in who you want me to be (or who I think you want me to be), NOT in my appearance, NOT in others' support or disapproval, but in Him.

The One and Only who died to set me free in the first place.

At times, that has literally meant me saying out loud over and over: "It doesn't matter.  Lord, all that matters is what You think.  Peacen me in You alone!"

Listen, friend.  Maybe your "slavery" isn't weight issues.  Maybe you're not as consumed as I was about what everyone thinks, all the time.  Maybe you aren't trying to compete with everyone at every angle, or judge what everyone else is doing and saying all of the time.

But I am meeting, knowing and loving an awful lot of women who continue to live far short of the freedom for which He set us free, downright consumed with all KINDS of judgements and self-criticism, past baggage and unmet hopes, worries and fears.

They are beautiful.  They are smart.  They are accomplished.  And yet somehow that doesn't even begin to put a dent in the strong belief that somehow you're not measuring up.

Newsflash: I think that's pretty insulting to our Creator, because, Another Newsflash: we are not our own, but His.  And He said we were worth dying for.  And dearly loved.

It's not the life He bought us with a price for.

Freedom from how married, not married, old, young, dating, not dating, wide, narrow, convex, concave, life of the party, alone, glamorous, frumpy, trendy, old school we are.  Freedom from how unemployed, over-employed, embarrassingly employed we are.

Freedom from our beautiful, blessed pasts and free from our ugly ones.

Freedom from what others think, might think, could think, say they think, and BEST?  Even freedom from what WE THINK.

There is to be NO more shame, no more criticism, no more self-loathing for who it is God made us to be and for walking through doors He has opened.

When I meet us, beautiful, intelligent, loving friend, and I see us still so concerned with what we think others might think of us, I just want to smack our beautiful foreheads and shout, "BE FREE!"

When I see us, pointing out and searching for the faults of everyone around us because somehow it makes us feel a little better, I want to grab our fabulous shoulders and shake, "BE FREE!"

When I realize we have signed everyone up for unending competitions where nobody wins, fanning inward judgements, frustrations and criticism that we wrongly think will never be seen outwardly, I want to pull us out of the race and bench us with "BE FREE!"

The obvious exception to this freedom are things we've chosen not yet to be free from.  He also died for us to live a free life HOLY before Him, and if our living situation, mouth, tv shows, choices, clothing, spending, grudges, etc., are NOT holy, we're not able to continue living in that way with His freedom.

He set us free to be holy, and WANTS to set us free from sin in our lives.  We can NOT feel free to live anyway we want to and claim, "God made me this way, deal with it!"

But for all that He has MADE us to be-- 6'11" or 5'1", shy or bold, chatty Cathy or quiet, singer, writer, biker, street sweeper, engineer, mother, wife, sister, girlfriend, friend...let's learn.  Let's choose.  Let's pick the path of being who we are, letting HIM love who that is--even if we don't--and let's embrace the life of true freedom for which He set us free.

Only then can we give it to each other: the freedom to BE who we are--very different from each other, with lots of different gifts and talents, shortcomings and struggles--but HIS beloved, free from any judgment but His.

It is the freedom He Died For.

Live it and give it.


Anything you've been learning to add to the conversation?

one of the {free} few

Give without expectation has not been the only pertinent and life-giving message I've been learning from Luke 6.  There is another, a personal pet peeve but also a personal major temptation...Do not judge, do not condemn.  (Luke 6:37)

As Christ followers, I often see this coming to fruition through judging what God would WANT others to be doing, how HE would want them to be doing it, where HE would want them to be.  I easily fall into this trap of disguised judgement.  

It's STILL judging...It's me deciding what God would want others to do, and evaluating how they are falling short of that...when HE is the judge.

Now, obviously, calling sin SIN is not the same as judging.  God has already laid out what sin is.  He has judged already, and we are to uphold in one another the truth.

For example, to lie is a sin.  Colossians 3:9 (and dozens of others) says clearly, "do not lie to each other."  

We are commanded over and over in Scripture to admonish one another in love when we see a friend stumble or disobey.  To, in love and with the heart of Jesus, talk to a friend about their deviation from the truth, is Scriptural and necessary in the Body.

But judgment is a different thing.  While I'm seeing it take place in such upright settings and in such godly ways, as I'm asking the Spirit to show me sin in my life (this Killing Sin book is really stretching me!) I'm starting to wonder if some of my ways I've been holding on to as "what God wants" are actually just judgments, disguised.

Let me give you an example from my own life.

Around this time last year, a man we had met once or twice contacted us, sharing that he and his wife and kids were praying about moving to Haiti full time.  They asked for advice and counsel.  

Quite sagely, I shared with them our joy over hearing about their experience of His call, and advised them to be patient, go slow, take all the "right" steps (which, coincidentally, were all the same steps WE had taken in coming to the mission field), expect delays and discouragement, and that hopefully we'd see them in about 2 years (which also coincidentally, was of course how long it took US to get to the field.)

They sweetly shared their understanding, but noted that they truly felt that God was asking them to come NOW, and that He had clearly opened a lot of doors for this to be a possibility.  

Like, they wanted to move to Haiti with their family in 3 months, coming independently without a major sending organization, etc.  

I shared again my very "godly" advice, and may have said something very nicely about their courage that may have actually meant, you're nuts.  There is NO way that's the thing to do.

I knew that no matter what they felt God was telling and equipping and leading THEM to, that was NOT how God had led and equipped us, so...I judged their situation through MY lens, and felt them WRONG.

They weren't sinning.  I wasn't admonishing them of their sin.  They were feeling God's voice telling them differently than I had, so I judged them as being wrong.  

Instead of trusting God to lead their lives, and trusting THEM to be stepping out on their faith in His call for their lives and GETTING BEHIND THEM, I was, though silently, though sweetly, an obstacle by my judgement.

We've seen many other examples of this since Matt has been named President at Emmaus.  He is TOO young, it has very nicely been shared countless times.  It is too big a job.  He is TOO intelligent for this position, squandering his God-given brilliant brain in a dirt village in a non-influential country.  He is not intelligent enough.  Only someone with 50 years of pastoral experience could take on such a job.  Is he even ordained?  He's too Haitian.  He's not Haitian enough.  This position is far too stressful.  It's not what he originally came here to do.  He doesn't even like to wear suits! 

The list of "godly encouragement" goes on and on.

But IS it?  Frankly, "help" like this has felt a lot more DIScouraging.  Matt accepted the appointment after months (MONTHS) of prayers, study, wise council, laying awake at night with the Lord, fasting, reading, searching.  There was NO WAY he was going to step into a position such as this if it was not UNDENIABLY the next step that God had for him.  No chance.

And in the end, he felt confident that despite his millions of reasons why he wasn't the man for the job or wasn't qualified for the job, that he was chosen and qualified in CHRIST to take it...felt certain that it would be His power perfected in Matt's weakness, felt sure that this was indeed what God had for him right now.

And though many people's judgement of the situation has been given with very pure hearts, very loving minds, very good motives...it has often times been a heavy weight for Matt, often times feels more like judgement.


This is what He is convicting in me:  When I judge a situation, another's behavior or other's daily choices through MY lens, I am STILL actually saying that perhaps I do NOT fully trust Him.

I didn't fully TRUST God in His call of Mark and Sarah.  He was either making a mistake, or they were.  I don't fully TRUST that God is GOD of such-and-such situation.  Didn't fully trust that He can handle the situation, that He will prevail, or that He will conquer. 

Here it is:  
How often in my life do I huddle in a my tent 
WITH God's chosen people, 
thoughtfully judging a situation
circulating my "God-given" wisdom
sharing my experiences of battle
and spouting loving common sense...
"DAVID IS TOO LITTLE TO FIGHT GOLIATH!"  

That Moses is too tongue-tied to approach Pharaoh?  
That John is too smelly to prepare the Way?  
That Judas was a sketchy choice of a friend? 
That Jesus was too poor, unimportant, plain and humble to be King and Rescuer of the World?

It was the FEW, the very few, who trusted God--and when there was a contradiction--ignored the "godly advice" of others who did SUCH GREAT THINGS before God.  

It still IS.  It IS the very few who trust in God and ignore the judgements of others who often do great things for God.

And not ONLY do I want to be one of those few, but I ALSO want to be one of those who ENCOURAGES others to do the same. 

 To listen to His voice and to follow it with all their strength and hearts.  To GET BEHIND those He is calling (even if He didn't personally share His call on THEIR lives with ME) and be wind in their sails and sweet ointment on their heads...not a thorn in their sides, a discouragement in their journeys, not a bitterness to their bite.

To do this, I've GOT to learn to remove MYSELF from my assessment of situations, to remove myself completely.  To remove my judgement.  Not judging, not condemning.  And to TRUST, not necessarily in the person, but to trust GOD to prevail in the situation, and to ask HIM to use ME as an encourager of His sovereignty. 

It means asking Him to take EVERY thought captive, because if you're like me, it's easy to judge anything and everything all day, from others schedules to their speech to their children to their diets to their countenance to their moods to their choices to their movies to their comments to their glances.

It means deliberately and mentally fleeing the MOMENT I catch myself judging....and choose to TRUST HIM instead.

To help, I've been trying to apologize each time I dwell in judgement, even if the person NEVER knew I was...that's good encouragement to flee from the sin of judging and condemning!  

(SO, Sarah! (I know you're reading this :) God gave me such a chance to trust in HIS will for your lives and to be nothing but support for you because of that...and I wasn't.  I leaned on my OWN understanding and experiences and not on HIS.  I'm SORRY!  

I am SO thankful you are here and so grateful for your friendship, and so thankful that you had the courage to go where and how He was sending instead of listening to the voice of man.  We love your family...)

He knows best.  He knows judging isn't LOVE for others, and He also knows it ISN'T good for ME.  Jesus didn't only die because of the 'bad stuff' I do, but also died to make me free, sweet free, of the burdens and bondage of sin.  

Praise the Lord...I'm still a work in progress...a work He hasn't quit yet.


Note: I hope I haven't upset anyone by this.  If so, that is not at all my intention...only to share what I see Him working on in my heart.  I pray it is, instead, an encouragement to you in your progress-journey with Christ!  As always, give grace, take what is meat and throw the rest out as foolishness.  I love you!

a fallen short give

Where in the world is he?? I thought to myself around noon.  Abel had taken Matt to the airport at 8:30...he should have been back by now.

At one, Abdian came to the door and explained why her dad and our truck still weren't back.  Abel's sister had been in some kind of a car accident, and he drove way east to find her, took her to a hospital, and now was driving her far back west to a different hospital.

"Ok, Ok, no problem." I told her.  "We'll be praying!"

But as she walked away I found myself thinking dryly, I wonder who will be paying the 75 cents a mile for all of this.  I know exactly who.  WE will.  This ALWAYS happens.  

Not a few minutes later, I found myself bent over Lily and her crazy-haired mermaid Barbie, talking to her yet again about why it is important that she share with Azi. 

Before I even straightened by hypocrite back, the Spirit convicted my heart, squeezing a pain through my chest.

Just a few days earlier, I'd ben studying Luke 6, blessed and convicted by the simplicity of the commands following the Beatitudes.

Love.  Do good.  Bless those who curse.  Turn the other cheek.  Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back.  Treat others the way you want treated.  

Love.  Do good. Lend. Expect nothing in return.  Be merciful.  Do not judge.  Do not condemn.  Pardon.  

Give.  

For his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.

Four years ago, when we found ourselves 6 months pregnant with no reliable or available transportation, we asked supporters who were already supporting our little family to also consider helping us fund a vehicle.  

What if, upon being asked for help YET again--help that would NEVER personally benefit any of our supporters--our friends had carried the same sentiment that I secretly whined today?  

Ouch. Ouch. OUCH.

My own sin...NOT going what God has asked me to do in Luke 6, pained my heart as I know it pained His.  My thriftiness and wise-spending pushed to the extreme...stinginess.  Stinginess in the face of family crises.  Attitude.  Attitude when all I have received is grace.

After I got the girls down for naps, I was anxious to spend some time with my Father, repent of my silent sin that only He had seen and be made right with Him again.  As I sat with Him, the many ways I have failed just the simple commands in just this passage were made clear to me.  (I truly have nothing to boast aside from Him, or I would never share any of this with you.) 

As always, Oswald nailed it home (even more).  

Never dull your sense of being your utmost for His highest--your best for His glory. 

Many people have turned back because they are afraid to look at things from God's perspective.


Thankful, today, for God's perspective on a "little thing"...a thing that never even left my heart...that was NOT a "little thing" before Him.  

Thankful, today, for the cross and the new life and new day He continues to give me to seek hard after Him, to allow the Spirit to further work on that which fills my heart.  

Thankful for His forgiveness and release.  

Thankful for the opportunity to GIVE and to give Him glory by obeying His command to GIVE.  

Search our hearts, O God, and give us your perspective...

_______________

Follow-Ups: 

ABEL:

When Abel returned around 5 pm, he shared that his sister's tap tap (public transportation) had been going around sharp bend far too fast and plummeted over the side of the mountain.  The truck had been overflowing with people, two died on site, and several more were never expected to reach the hospital.  

His sister is still unable to speak, and has suffered a major head injury.  She is still in the hospital in town, along with several other people whom Abel was able to take, thanks to the truck.  There's no calling "911."  As he handed me the keys, eyes numb, he assured me that he had washed all of the blood out of the truck before returning.

Please be in prayer for Abel's sister and others who suffered this trauma.

MATT:

After a several delayed flight out of Haiti, Matt missed his connecting flight, had to buy yet another ticket to a different final destination with a different airline, etc, in order to get to New Jersey in time for church serviced in the morning.  THANK YOU, Uncle Don, for driving all the way to New York at 10 PM to get him, and thank you, all, for your prayers as he continues to travel and preaches tomorrow morning.

a life-giving slap of {HIS} reality

The power goes out and the thick black air is hot and irritating around me. 

I am SO tired and can't sweaty-sleep.  

First thing, Sofie dumps her juice all over Lily.  

An hour later, Lily dumps her juice all over the bed.  

That I washed YESTERDAY.
The dog jumped though our barred porch while we were gone and shredded NASTY dirty diapers all OVER my house and in the carpet.
I sit down for my devotions and someone colored on a page of my Bible and I reach for my favorite pen and someone has snapped the point off and I am ink stained.  

Our team of friends and next door neighbors are all at the beach and we are left behind at work.  

No matter HOW MUCH I clean up, it is never clean!

Pretty sure no one asked how my day was yesterday.  

No one appreciates the thousands of little things I do everyday.  

In fact, (it always snowballs) no one really cares about me at all.

I'm not brilliant like Matt or important like the students 

or fun like I used to be.  

Most of my day is filled with dishes and dressing, 

cooking and cleaning, 

grading and balancing, 

boogies and boo-boos, 

playing zoo and doing laundry.

In the dark, with rare tears on my pillow, I am feeling miserably sorry for myself and the pathetic situation I am in (ever been there?), when--

by the grace of a Gracious God--

His quiet reality hits me, unexpectedly and fully.

I am not nearly as dead as I want to be.  

I'm not NEARLY as dead as He died for me to be.  

The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified.  

Truly, truly, unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, 

it remains alone; 

but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  

He who loves his life will lose it, 

and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal. 

If anyone serves Me, he must FOLLOW me."  

John 12:23-26

It was for freedom that He set me free, and yet here I am, still trying to cling to the slavery of my own life.  Of sin.  Still trying to love my life.  Still trying to serve Him and follow ME.  

Here I am at almost 30: still thinking about STACEY.

I'm not thinking about identifying with Christ.  I'm thinking about being appreciated.  I'm not thinking about being joyfully poured out as a drink offering to toddlers, to students, to neighbors, to visitors, to strangers.  I'm thinking about how they're not caring enough about me.

What a TRAP!

Here I am, sitting in the garden with Adam and Eve from Lily's toddler Bible. 

"All the stars and mountains and oceans and galaxies and everything were nothing compared to how much God loved His children.  He would move heaven and earth to be near them.  Always.  Whatever happened, whatever it cost Him, He would always love them.  And they were lovely, because He loved them...."

I am fully loved.  Fully lovely because of His love.  Everything I need, everything I could ever ask for, everything I could EVER dream, I have already found in Him! 

And yet, here I was, also like Adam and Eve, trying to make myself happy without Him, knowing full well that there is no. such. thing.

Like Adam and Eve, all over again, I am.  Not just breaking a rule by loving something more than Him (myself), but breaking God's very heart, forgetting my wonderful relationship with Him by focusing instead on me.

It is, as John says, he who HATES his life in this world who will keep it...he who dies to himself as He died to Himself who truly lives.

I'm not NEARLY as dead as I want to be.  

By the grace of God, I have no rights.  I am His.  I have no rights, no merits.  I deserve no thanks, no gratitude, no appreciation.  I deserve one thing, just like every one since Adam and Eve.  

Just death.  

And yet by His grace and HIS death, I have found new life, and by His grace, I don't have to live anymore slave to my rights and my justice and my merit.  Slave to what anyone thinks...not even ME.

It's all because of Him.  All of me is His.  Anything good is because He is good.  

Any chance I have to be walked on, abused, persecuted, or more frequently, just looked over, ignored or unappreciated, is a BEAUTIFUL gift-opportunity to identify with Christ...and to remind myself (not as a coping mechanism, but as TRUTH) that every boogie wiped, every lion tamed, ever salad chopped, every paper graded, every conversation had, every account explained, every boo-boo kissed, every story read, every coffee brewed, every spill swept, every visitor served, every dollar given is an opportunity to DO IT UNTO HIM.

An opportunity to commune with GOD and to LOVE Him and to be loved by Him.

"For this reason, I say to you, do not worry about your life.  

For all these things all the nations of the world will eagerly seek; 

but seek instead His kingdom.  

Do not be afraid, little flock, 

for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom.

Sell it all, let it go...

for where your treasure is, 

there will your heart be also."  Luke 12:33

Such a happy heart is mine following the slap of His reality last night.  

I  KNOW that receiving more of myself, or of others, is NOT the treasure that I want.  He has been helping me happily die today to the selfish and unsatisfyingly empty "treasures" of appreciation and the value the nations seek.

I want His heart, His pleasure, His glory.  

I want His Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.  

And I have it.

HE is my treasure, and my portion forever.  

Thank you, God, for reminding me,

 and for bringing me back to Yourself.  

Your voice is so much greater than my own...

and I desire it to be louder than my own, as well.

foolish enough?

***I know this post is crazy-long.  It shares some ideas that for me are proving to be crazy-transforming.  I hope it's worth the read***

For the Word of the Cross is foolishness to those who are perishing,

but to those who are being saved, it is the power of God.

I will destroy the wisdom of the wise

The cleverness of the clever I will set aside.

Where is the wise man?

Where is the great debater?  

Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?

The world through its wisdom did not come to know God,

so God was well-pleased through the foolishness 

of the message preached to save those who believe.

Jews ask for signs, Greeks search for wisdom;

but we preach Christ crucified,

to Jews a stumbling block and to Gentiles foolishness,

but to to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks,

Christ the power and wisdom of God.

Consider your calling brethren,

that there were not many wise, not many mighty, 

not many nobel according to the flesh,

but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise,

and God has chosen the weak things of the world 

to shame the things which are strong;

the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen,

the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are,

so that no man may boast before God.

By His doing you are in Christ Jesus 

who became to us wisdom from God,

and righteousness and sanctification and redemption,

so that, just as it is written,

Let Him who boasts, boast in the Lord.
1 Cor. 1:18-31

Oh my.  The Lord is deeply convicting my heart with this message.  

As we have sought, planned and worked to train men and women in the Gospel, have we often used the wisdom of this world as the method over the foolishness of the cross?

Are we producing world-wise pastors, or foolish ones--The ones that pass by money, power, position and authority to preach Christ crucified, to serve, to pour out, to boast in nothing but the Lord?


Am I a world-wise missionary or a foolish one--One that is directing and commanding those around me or one who is washing their dusty spotted feet? One with education and experience and opportunity who is always sharing and telling or one who is listening to those who cannot write their names?  One who is seeking the approval and favor of men or one who is following His example, however foolish, bizarre or ridiculous that may seem?

Am I working to disciple men and women and children-- not just at school, but at home and in the community--in the foolishness of the cross, the power of God?  


If God is choosing the weak thing, the base things, the despised things... am I?  

It's so easy to just go with what "makes sense!"  It makes sense to expand, go bigger, go better.  It makes sense to get better things, to pursue more titles, to "improve".  It makes sense to do whatever you can to be favored and "wise", right?  There might not even be anything wrong with these things, depending on the motivation, I suppose.

And besides, who wants to be seen as foolish?  We all spend so much of our time wanting and trying to be seen as impressive, as accomplished, as important...as people other people want to be like and around.  


But it is through the foolishness of the message preached that we are saved...that the God of the heavens would come as a human baby and innocent, be killed for my sin, while I was still His enemy, 2000 years later.  


Consider your calling, Stacey!  God has chosen the foolish, weak, base and despised things of the world to shame the wise and strong.  What are you choosing?  When you're looking for the "best", what standards are you using?  World-best? or His?


And why has He chosen these things?  That no one should boast.  That I shouldn't feel good about ANYTHING that is within me that is not Him.  That I have nothing to be proud of except for my God and God in others.  That I have nothing to congratulate myself with other than what He has done.


That I might boast only in the Lord.


Is it foolish and ridiculous to turn the other cheek when someone slaps us? Insane to give someone who takes our coat our shirt, too?  Reckless to give away 10 or 20 or 50% of our income when we desperately need it ourselves?  Crazy to love the grouchy lady at Wal-Mart more than ourselves?    


Is it irrational to not defend ourselves when we know the other person is wrong?  Daft to speak the truth in love when it'd be far easier to keep our head down? Completely idiotic to forgive our enemies?  


Imprudent to share the Gospel with a friend that we know will think we're nuts?  Irresponsible to give Him our children, our marriages, our concerns and ourselves instead of laying awake worrying or taking things into our own hands?  Ludicrous to stay with your spouse when their list of wrongs is unending?


"Choosing rather to endure ill-treatment with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin"  Heb. 11:25...like Moses?


Choosing prison instead of a great offer... like Joseph?


Choosing certain death over infidelity to God...like Shadrach?


"All who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted" 2 Tim. 3:12...like Paul?


Willingly laying down our lives for others...like Christ?




Read that passage again with me...use it as a lens for our hearts, our lives, our work...help me to pray and to be bold to choose and to pursue that which furthers HIS doing, however foolish it feels, whatever it means.

the battle is the Lords. so am I.

I was sitting at my home-desk this afternoon after a quick visit from Matt before he returned to his office, wondering why life is so darn hard.

There are so many beautiful things...from the mountains and baby giggles to good conversations and glimpses of Jesus.


And yet all the same, somehow things just never stop feeling like a battle!


Something doesn't work the way that it should.  Someone doesn't do something they were supposed to.  "Everyone" is never satisfied.  Expectations are frequently unmet.  Things take longer than you thought they would.  Others aren't responding like you thought they should.


Micheline, the girls nanny on Tuesdays, called in sick thirty minutes before we had to go to work.  Matt had a great lesson prepared only to have a disgruntled student gripe through it...followed by a frustrating meeting...followed by a stack of expense reports that continue after a million reminders and tutorials and chances to lack all kinds of required information and receipts.


He came home at 12:55 hot and exhausted and frustrated.  He had a bi-weekly all-staff "voice your gladnesses and grievances" type meeting at 1 pm.


In just these few short minutes I felt overwhelmed by the burden to help him, or to "fix" things, though none of the pending issues were things I could do anything about.  He left, I got the girls down and pulled out a precious can of pumpkin and got a pie (Matt's very favorite) in the oven, and sat down at my desk to write a quiz for my second and third year students.

(if-you-give-a-mouse-a-cookie situation.  Pie, to Lily, means birthday.  Birthday means candles.  Candles mean singing.  the works.)

Created to test them on 15 new words of Biblical terminology and theological vocabulary, I quickly created a fill in the blank vocab test, using BibleGateway  to find verses using the vocab words for the sentences.   


Apostle...Luke 11:49.  Character...Hebrews 13:5.  Dark...1 Thessalonians 5:5.


Finally, number 12, Divine.   Quickly scanned the 22 results BibleGateway gave me, and landed a verse and was met by the Lord at the same time.


"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war the way the world does.  
The weapons we fight with are not weapons of the world.  
On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  
We demolish arguments and every claim that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, 
and take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ."  
2 Corinthians 10:3-5.  


Strong language!  Man alive...we don't wage war like the world does?  The weapons we fight with?  Our weapons have divine power to demolish?  Take every thought captive?

That strong language was exactly the reminder I needed.  


It IS a battle!  The Bible TELLS us that.  Light  vs. darkness, good vs. evil, self vs. God, God vs. Satan, holiness vs. sin, freedom vs. slavery, defeat vs. victory.  Why do I always relapse into thinking that things are "supposed" to be going well and easy?  


Nobody on the battle field gets irritated when there are battles.  That's why they are THERE.


John 15:19, 1 Timothy 1:18, 2 Timothy 4:7, Psalm 140:7, 1 Thessalonians 2:2


What's great to me today is not the news that we are in battle.  That's not "happy" news, though it is the reality.  


What's great news today is that the weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world.  They are divine.  They have divine power.  In Christ, I have weapons of divine power to demolish strongholds of Satan, to demolish that which stands against God, and to take my thoughts captive and obedient to Christ.


Each day is frequently a battle.  Maybe even more so being here, in the middle of a Bible seminary in the middle of a voodoo saturated village...country.  Everyday we work with people who are free and alive in the Spirit.  Everyday we work with people who are enslaved and dark in mind and thought.  Maybe part of what will make heaven so heavenly is that our part in the battle, though already won, is over...peace not just in our hearts, but finally in our circumstance.

I don't know.  But today I'm asking myself, searching and claiming the answers to....


-What ARE those divine weapons?  
-How do I "wage war", not the way the world does, but His way?  
-What "strongholds" need demolishing...In my life, at Emmaus, in Haiti?  
-What thoughts do I need to be taking captive and disciplining into obedience of Christ?  
-What claims against God need demolishing in our daily lives and work and ministry?  
-What claims against God am I believing myself?  
-Has my Christianity become too safe?  
-Am I a wimp Christian, carrying none of the weapons available to me and doing nothing for Him in the battle because I am too concerned with being nice and causing no problems?
-Am I just seeking to be the happy parts of Jesus and not the hard parts? The "nice" parts without the truth parts?  
-Am I seeking to be a woman not at war? and if so, am I perhaps not a part of what He's doing?  


-Are there no Goliath's today?  Am I hiding in my tent, telling myself to "pray for him" and playing lovely music on my little harp for Jesus, ignoring the giant battle outside?  Am I...

ok, you get the picture :) Let's always be moving forward, questioning, examining, asking Him to examine, and acting upon what He shows us in His Word!  


Know that each night as I walk around this dark campus under the brilliant starlit skies, bouncing a precious and wailing baby and thinking upon these things, I am praying for these and those, you and yours.