the miracle of 4000 gourdes short

A few weeks ago, one of our grad/friend/pastor/brothers, Enick, came by Emmaus for his monthly catch up in the computer lab, catch up with his friends and co-workers at Emmaus, and to get fed by the same ladies who were feeding him 10 years ago when he was still a student.
His church is incredibly distant and remote, several miles to the right of the Seminary, and his family lives in town, several miles to the left of the Seminary, so when he "comes down", he comes by.

I'm always so thankful he does, because spending 20 minutes with Enick fills you with burden and blessing and encouragement and conviction for Haiti all over again.  He is inspiring, to say the least.

After he graduated in 2009, his pastor asked him to please take over pastoring his mountain church, needing to attend more to his city church. Enick spoke to us about it at the time, greatly hesitant.  It was SO remote, incredibly hard to get to, incredibly poor, incredibly rooted in the old ways, incredibly void of any honor or glory, pay or even much provision.

The people were hungry, and he often would be, too.  The houses were woven sticks, at best, and his "parsonage" would be half of one of the classrooms of the school, where he would sleep on the floor behind a sheet, and need to pack up during the day for 50 students to fill.  His pay would be a tiny portion of the tiny tithe...if there was.  No electricity, no water, no road, no cell reception, hiking for over an hour any time he came down...

He was hesitant, to say the least.  But Enick is a man of prayer, and he prayed and said he knew he needed to do it...for two years, so keep looking for a permanent pastor, because THAT is just not the kind of mission field you can DO for very long, and soon he'd want a wife and kids, and they couldn't live in a place like that.  But for now.

That story sounds strangely familiar.

This is his tenth year at Coup-a-David, and two or three times a year we get up when it's still dark and hike the hills to join him, always so blessed to walk to church with many others from surrounding mountains, many walking further than us, blessed to watch Enick pray and preach and lead and serve,  blessed to pray with him and blessed to see how God has truly woven him into God's TRANSFORMATION of this mountain top and dozens of villages around it.

So I couldn't help but feel saddened a few weeks ago when he pulled up the chair across from my desk and said, "Stace, this summer I decided I was DONE.  It would be SO much easier to live in town, I've had lots of better job offers over the years, the spiritual warfare on the mountain continues, there are many hard-hearted people, it's daily way harder than I ever thought it would be, and most of all, do you know that I need? I mean, I really NEED 5000 gourdes a month to live ($80 USD) and did you know that on GOOD months I am lucky to receive 1000 gourdes? ($16/month). I mean, I know everyone is giving what they can, but how can I support my fiancé once we get married on that?  How can I continue to live on that?  I'm tired of living on that.  Life in Coup-a-David is So. Hard.  And this summer, I was facing those difficulties one after another and felt deeply discouraged and sad."

I was working hard to follow his verb tenses, wanting to understand if he was telling me that he was done, or telling me that he had considered this summer being done.  All of my heart was screaming, "You cannot be done! We can see God at work in you there mightily, those are your people, your are their pastor! We must persevere!"

But I waited patiently (I know...this is rare) for him to finish hoping for more clues as to what his final outcome was.

"You know what, Stace?" he finally said, shaking slightly as he always does when he stops on his way down from the mountain from lack of eating and hours in the sun.

"I had my eyes fixed on all those problems, and I kept thinking, I need 5000 gdes a month, and I only get 1000.  I NEED 5000 a month, and I only get a thousand, and when I kept fixing on that, the ONLY logical decision was to STOP.  When my eyes were on my pain, I wanted it. to. stop."

"I am so thankful," he said now grinning, "That God had grace for me in that conclusion this summer.  He didn't punish me for resolving to quit His work, He didn't get angry with me for fixing my eyes on my pain instead of on Him."

"But then one day when my mind was made up, and I started thinking about how much easier life was going to be now, I justified to the Lord again that I only received 1000 gdes a month when I needed 5 to live on, and God abruptly interrupted me."

How much do you need to live a month again, at the very least to survive?

Five thousand, Enick reminded God.

And how much a month have you been surviving on for 10 years?

One thousand, Enick responded.

And for how many years have I been performing that miracle?

Enick stopped and finally fixed His eyes on God.

"NOT the God withholding from me by only providing 1000 gdes a month," he said, "But the God who PROVIDED for me the last 10 years every single thing that I needed, and more.  He raised up many to feed me, He touched hearts to provide what I needed when I needed it, and many times He provided things without using people at all!  The God who has brought me this God-fearing, Coup-a-David loving finance.  The God who has fed me, with NO money, every day for 10 years.  The God who has provided every gourde we ever needed, who has cast out demons and healed the dying and answered with many miracles and taken 1000 and made it 5000 again and again as only HE can."

"As soon as I took my eyes off my pain and fixed them back on God, I realized that it's BECAUSE of all of that pain that God has been able to be GREAT and MIGHTY.  It was THROUGH these pains and hardships that God has been able to work his miracles.  It is through the frustrations and the difficulties that God has been GREAT."

"And my great God isn't finished with me yet. And if He's provided so far for my needs and my heart and my hurts and my pain, He's not going to stop now.  So I trust Him.  So that was my summer.  How was your summer?"

I was thinking through his story the rest of the day, and it's come to me many times since.

I'm a DEEP feeler...my overly sensitive heart is almost ALWAYS tempted to dwell on my pains.

How easy it is to fix our eyes on the lack, on the pains, and make our decisions out of motivation to relieve it.  It even sometimes feels like peace, doesn't it, the deep relief of having that pain alleviated! We have fixed it for ourselves with our own common sense, how often missing out on the miracles of filling the gap He had in store.

And as the hurts of the last several weeks have pinched and tugged and twisted my focus, I'm trying to learn from Enick's summer and example, and lift my eyes above the waves.

Does it feel like you need 5000, and yet life and loved ones and coworkers and circumstances and your best efforts keep coming up crazy sort?  Do you feel ready to move on, because it's harder than you'd ever thought, because it makes a lot more sense, because you're tired?  Does the idea of moving on from this burden of family or work or ministry or friendship or outreach or discipleship or problem God has called you to sound relieving?

I feel you.  And it must be why He tells us So. Many. Times. in His Word to be strong and courageous and to be of good courage...not because He needs any Supermans and Wonderwomans for His Work, but because He knew our hearts to be easily laden, He knew our eyes can easily catch on the 4000 gourdes short in our hands.

But.  If we'll persevere, if we will be of good courage, if we will trust, if we will lift our eyes off our issues and onto Where Our Help Comes From, He's got 5000 mouths to feed with those 2 fish, He's got miracles of making it up in His mind, He's got MORE than provision for the MORE than lack...for our hearts, for our heads, for our hands.  

Praising the Lord for Enick's example, praising the Lord for being THAT kind of Lord, praising the Lord for knowing, knowing exactly what it is that I need, and that He IS.

His.

Today has been the kind of day I don't normally share publicly.

I am for one reason.

As I prayed through the still-quivering of my soul this afternoon, He lifted up my chin and spoke new truth.  Took my perspective and enlarged it.  Took my thoughts and transformed them.  Took my story and universal-ed it.

When He does that, I feel compelled by Him to share, because I don't think He gives us many things to hold tightly for ourselves.

Including Sofie.

My little Sofie is a waif.  A busy-body.  A cuddle-bug.  A sun-beam. A trouble finder.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen to Sofie. If somebody did it, it was Sofie.

Last week, she cut herself a sideburn.  Just one.  And blamed it on Gertha.

This weekend, she colored all over the wall with a pen, as fast as she could, scribbling hard, before I could get to her.  Then said Matt did it.

This morning, she drank kerosine.

As soon as Dodo charged into my office this morning, I gasped, "What's wrong!" and I knew it was Sofie before I ever started running.  Hearing her gasping for air and choking as I charged through the door was chilling, and I knew as soon as I smelled the strong, burning smell of kerosine exactly where it had come from, and that it was my fault.

This weekend, a precious half-gallon of hand-soap leaked all through a cabinet.  Waiting 'till naptime, I begrudgingly pulled every sticky thing out of the cabinet, and started washing everything off and throwing a few saturated things away.

Last year, we had some major generator/power issues.  After nights with no lights, we finally bought a kerosine lamp, like everyone else in Haiti has.  It made a huge difference to have LIGHT, and when we finally sorted out the power issues, I tucked the half-used bottle (a plastic pop bottle) of kerosine away.

Sorting through the cabinet Saturday, I found that bottle, and thought to myself, "Well, THIS is just an accident waiting to happen.  Let's get rid of that!"

I checked the lid and made sure it was screwed on extra tight.  Then, I put it in the large rubbermaid container that we use as a trash can, and put IT'S lid on tight.  It was full, so I then put the whole container outside of the back door.

Monday, our friend Rene would come and take the whole container down to the bottom of the campus to throw out the trash for us...his weekly job in exchange for help for his family.

I almost dumped the kerosine out before throwing away the bottle.  But, accustomed to life in a 5th world country, I knew that Rene would want it.  It is a reality here that ANYTHING you throw away will probably end up used by someone.  I once threw out a magazine on Saturday, only to walk into a friend's house Monday afternoon and found the walls to be newly papered with MY magazine's pages.

Long story short, Rene, coming from a place that I don't understand (as shared on my last post), found two things this morning in our trash that he wanted while I was at work.  A glass jar with no lid, and that kerosine.

He took the tub all the way down to the garbage pit, dumped it all out, took that kerosine bottle, poured the kerosine INTO the glass jar (2 birds=1 stone mentality) and then brought it all the way BACK to our house, put it outside, on the ground, by the corner of the back of our house, UNCOVERED, no lid, and then went to rake leaves somewhere else.  He was going to come back and get it later to take home.

I don't know.  Obviously, I don't really understand the thinking here.  Obviously, we have been through our share of frustration and even anger at his thinking today.  And you are joining me now in thinking that this was obviously a terrible decision.  But.  Rene is old.  Incredibly poor.  He has no little ones at home.  He wasn't thinking about little ones.  He was thinking about free kerosine for his lamp.

Fast forward....past calls to poison control, more than a dozen people with a dozen ideas in the house, past 2 hours at the clinic with Dr. Rodney, past vomiting, lots of prayers, call to the pediatrician, and lots of self-reminding that Sofie is His...His...His.  HIS.

Rene is horrified.  Devastated.  Shocked.  Embarrassed.  And it was stupid.

But it was not his fault.

You know about Israel.  Not really known for outstandingly bold steps of faith and righteousness.  They held fast to their traditions.  Seemed to miss the boat a lot of times.  Had a hard time changing.  Had a hard time following.

Their leaders were no exception.  And after all kinds of horrible, terrible, no good, Baal worshipping, very bad men and lots and lots of death and murder and betrayal, there finally seems to be in 2 Kings a streak of hope.  

It started with Jehoiada, who made a covenant between the Lord and the people, that they would be the Lord's people.  Then, all the people went to the house of Baal and tore it down, killed his priests, broke his images, and the land rejoiced and the city was quiet.

A seven year old became king, and "Jehoash did right in the sight of the LORD all his days in which the priest, Jehoiada, had instructed him.  Only the high places were not taken away; the people still sacrificed and burned incense on the high places (2 Kings 12:2-3)."

Finally, some peace.  Finally, quiet.  Finally, dedication.  But the high places built in worship to other gods REMAINED.  Finally a man who did what was right before the Lord.  But he left them.

Then 2 Kings 14:4, Amaziah.  "He did right in the sight of the Lord, only the high places were not taken away."

Then 2 Kings 15:4.  Azariah.  "He did right in the sight of the Lord, only the high places were not taken away."

15:35.  "Jotham did what was right in the sight of the LORD, only the high places were not taken away, and people still sacrificed and burned incense there."

...however, they did according to their earlier custom, and while these nations feared the LORD, they also served their idols; their children likewise, and their grandchildren, and their children, and so they do to this day.

Despite the king's pursuit of doing what was right in the sight of the LORD, because they left the high places, the people just kept being unfaithful...unfaithful...unfaithful...and so they do to this day.

But then, there was Hezekiah, chapter 18.  Twenty-five year old Hezekiah also did what was right  before the sight of the LORD, according to his father.  But.

He removed the high places and broke down the sacred pillars and cut down the Asherah. He broke in pieces the bronze snake Moses had made, because people had been burning incense to it.  

And He trusted in the LORD, the God of Israel, and there were none like him. 
For he clung to the LORD; 
he did not depart from following Him, 
but kept His commandments.  

...and the LORD was with him.

He didn't just do what was right.  He tore it all down.  Destroyed it all.  Even objects of faith and victory that had become stumbling blocks.

Didn't just do what was right.  He trusted the Lord, too.  Clung to Him.  Did not depart from Him.

And so the Lord's sight wasn't just pleased.  The Lord was with him.

So here I am.

Yes, Rene.  He left the fuel out.  And yes, Gertha was watching them.  And yes, Lily knew better.  And yes, Dodo and Bubba were here.

But you know what?  When I had that fuel in my hand, instead of dumping it out, or taking it to the trash myself, I saw that it was dangerous, and kept it around.  And I am Sofie's mom.  Instead of destroying it, I left it around, and my little followers, they played with it.

Am I trying to say that leaving the kerosine in the trash outside was like leaving idols up to Baal?  Of COURSE not.  Obviously, I'm not saying these two stories are the same.

But what He DID show me today was this:...if there is something around our lives that could cause damage (physical, relationship, spiritual), and I let it remain, it WILL CAUSE DAMAGE.

Hindsight, of course, today makes me realize that I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  Sin, of course not.  Terrible mom?  Of course not.   But I have an ornery ornery 2 year old in the house.  Never should have left it.  Never should have left it for someone else to make sure my 2 year old didn't get it.  Never should have assumed it would be no big deal.

What He's asking me tonight ISN'T to "be a better mom", nor to "stop making mistakes."  What He's asking me tonight is this:

What are my high places?

What are the things He has shown me...pointed out to me...and yet I still haven't abandoned?  Changed? Destroyed?

What are the things He has asked me to do...and I'm still dilly-dallying...still waiting....still coming up with some excuse?

Where are the places He's asked me to go, shown me as ugly, revealed to me as temptation, pointed out as my "customs" that aren't His, guilts I like to come back to, wrongs I like to dwell on, lies I like to think about?  Worries I like to cling to?  Good things that have become idols?  Baggage I like to pick back up?

When I heard she'd found kerosine, I knew EXACTLY what Kerosine.  I had seen it, I had held it, I had realized it could be dangerous, and I had left it.

When Israel continued to be unfaithful, everyone knew exactly where.

When we sin, when we stray, when we struggle with sin, is it possible that God knows EXACTLY what caused it in our lives?

And has SHOWN it to us before?  And we could have clung to Him and destroyed it and trusted?  But instead, we left it?

Sofie is good tonight, praise praise the Lord.  She is happy and chattering and running and trying to use glitter glue to tattoo her sister.  Praise the Lord.

And I will, Rene will, we all will NEVER again.  Because what could be dangerous became such real danger.

But there is a truer danger, still.  And it's not enough to DO right in the sight of the LORD.  He doesn't just want us to be good.  To do right.  He wants us completely abandoned.  Entirely trusting.  CLINGING.  Killing sin.  Destroying unholy.

And He wants us to be entirely His.

And tonight?

That's all I really want, too.

blessing and trust

While time will tell it's capacities, strengths and reliability, we are officially and finally back online today with a new provider (2, actually) a new system and new hope.  THANK YOU dear donor friend who echoed our "as far as humanely possible, this has got to be stopped!" plea regarding consistent internet struggles, and helped us foot the bill making this post possible!

We are SO thankful.  While Haiti doesn't spend a lot of time online, and our "black-out" the last three weeks hasn't done anything to our communication with the Lord...it sure has affected our communication with just about everyone else!  We missed you :)

I can't think of a better way to "spend" our new internet than to share with you what Christ shared with me this afternoon through O. Chambers...

How in the world are we going to get a life that has no lust, no self-interest, and is not sensitive to the ridicule of others?

How will we have the type of love that is kind...is not provoked...thinks no evil?

The only way is by allowing nothing of the old life to remain (no excuses!), and by having only simple, perfect trust in God--such a trust that we no longer want God's blessings, but only want God Himself.

Have we come to the point where God can withdraw His blessings from us without our trust in Him being affected?  Once we truly see God at work, we will never be concerned again about the things that happen, because we are actually trusting in our Father in heaven.

One Friend.

Yesterday was a perfect compilation of so many of the ups and downs of life...sometimes made more extreme by a third world culture, sometimes not.

Lily had a fantastic day at school...came bounding out oozing with wonderful information about her butterfly classroom, her new teacher, new and old friends, and only disappointed that they won't start serving lunch until next week :)  It was a blessing for me to spend 20 minutes in front of the school with the other mothers, waiting for her, catching up from the summer, talking about our children, reflecting on how things are.  I've missed that extra community time! 

When we got home Sofie was downright blissful...lots of extra attention, sitting in a bathtub of water outside while Gertha hung up laundry, chattering away and happy as can be...both before and after we got home.

I'd had a great class, and as we all caught up with more from Lily's day, I've got to tell you, I couldn't help but feel that all was just right in the world.  Just good.  

Not but a few minutes later, I'm on the phone with Matt, who after getting Lily going at school had to go to town for a few errands, and just as drastically as everything had felt good, they suddenly felt bad. 

A good friend we try so very hard to trust proving to be very untrustworthy, a "friendly warning" that both sounded like and was intended as a threat, a misunderstanding at the airport that had both parties frustrated, a 1 hour job that took 5, members of the community upset over a work contract.... all surfaced in a matter of a few hours--the same few hours that had been so good for the girls and I.

My too high-high was quickly replaced with a too low-low, and when you're down there, it's easy to think of all the other things that aren't going well, that "shouldn't be happening", that aren't fair, or that are quite hurtful, now that you think about it!

I've been spending a lot of time in the Word lately, and I've been so INSPIRED.  Luke has been blessing my socks off with story after story of people, MY people, who stepped out on simple faith, radiated truth and belief, and were in turn crucial parts of His story.  People filled with the Holy Spirit, people waiting and praying and believing for insane amounts of time.  Young and old people--self-declared bondservants of the Lord--believing and stepping out in faith that crazy stuff would happen.  

So that it could.

But I can't just be inspired.  His Word can't just be my pretty dress.  I've got to EAT it, and it's got to AFFECT me, in every way.

As I think upon their long-suffering, their perseverant prayers, their mostly mountain top moments recorded and daily heartbreak/monotony mostly unknown, I am reminded of His many many calls in Scripture to be steady.

To be steady, in the face of fear He has overcome and joys He has miraculously cared for.  To be solid, as He is, in the face of battles and kings...chores and scraped knees.  To be focused on Him and Him alone--the only possibility for steadiness--and not our woes, our rights, our days or our opinions.

To listen to One Voice.

To pursue One Love.

To stand on One Rock.

To pattern our lives after One Friend.

To call upon One Help.

Thankful for His Word, and our Never Changing Father, sustaining through the ever changing days!

Accepted. Redeemed. Treasured.

Yesterday was so insane I'm too tired to even tell you about it.  

It included some busy--but good--hours up at the seminary, helping get the year started...some busy--but good--hours at the house baking bread, making baked spaghetti and topping lemon pies with meringue that Lily says looked like Haiti under snow ("Mom, will you buy me Hello Kitty skiis?"), and some busy--but good--hours chatting and visiting with friends popping in throughout the day from Saccanville and with two of the new missionary families who just moved to Haiti in the last 10 days.  It was all good.  But oh-my-goodness.  I don't think I ever sat down.

By the time everyone left after 10 pm from our EBS Team meeting, it was, as this author describes it, a scrape-me-off-the-floor-with-a-spatula ending to the day.  

Despite all of the love kissed and cared for, baked, served, listened and shared yesterday, I STILL fell into bed feeling BAD, my mind whirling through things that could have been done better.  

Did you see how Sofie was acting up more today than normal?  That's because she didn't get enough attention from YOU today.  And Lily's break down at dinner?  Stacey, you've GOT to be spending more one-on-one time with the girls!  

You've just GOT to do BETTER.

And then Sofie peed the bed.  For the first time ever.  TWICE.

This morning, right in the middle of me contemplating pouring coffee IN my eyeballs, this article stopped me dead in my tracks before I even had the chance to stretch for an IronWoman Day to do "better" than yesterday.  

It's GOOD.  and Her take-away?  Just what I needed to hear.  

If ANY of this sounds familiar...read on!

"Before I ever had a single child, I knew I’d one day wage war with an enemy who sought their hearts and souls.  I anticipated battles ahead, knowing my children would test and defy me.  But I never anticipated the Mommy wars.  I think I watched part of an Oprah episode years ago on moms being too hard on other moms, but that was about it.  I didn’t give it a second thought.  Not until I joined the club.

Let me begin by saying, the Mommy Club is a beautiful place.  The moment you join, you find within your heart this unexpectedly raw capacity for love.  All at once, you are a protector, a nurturer, a defender of innocence, a story teller, an imagination factory, a kisser of boo-boos, and a cheerleader til the end of time.  Even on the scrape-me-off-the-floor-with-a-spatula days, you are being sanctified and learning to see God’s grace in a brand new light.  It is a specialclub, one I’m humbled and grateful to be part of.

But I’ll be honest, there’s one aspect of membership I don’t like to talk about.  It is the insecurity that bloomed inside of me somewhere along the journey.  I felt it the first time I didn’t know how to soothe my own baby.  The first time I couldn’t get her to eat her green bean goo.  The first time she wandered out of my sight in public.  I don’t know exactly when the quiet voice began to whisper, do you even know what your’e doing??  But I do know that initial thought was just a hop step and a jump away from this one: That mom sure looks like she knows what she’s doing. And then there was the really quiet thought that always buried itself in a place I would never share with anyone: Maybe she’s a better mom than you.  

Here is my humble opinion—I think that thought is the deceptive heartbeat behind all the mommy wars.  I think deep down many of us are just a little bit afraid that someone else is doing a better job at this whole thing than we are.  We see all-natural-organic mom who tills her own grains in the backyard, and educational-crafty mom who’s 6 month old can speak in sentences, and just-stepped-out-of-a-magazine mom with super cute clothes and baby gap model babies…and we cannot help but notice all the ways we fall short.  So we resort to one of two measures, the first being imitation.

Maybe if I can just be like super-fit-and-sporty mom with16% body fat and color-coordinated Nike outfits…or ultra-organized-household mom, or uber-sweet-and-godly mom…  The problem is we quickly realize we cannot be all of them all the time.  The moment we pop on all-natural-organic mom’s hat, we bump into crafty mom whose kids have sculpted a miniature Parthenon over the weekend, and we realize our kids have watched 20 hours of television so we could make homemade Larabars from scratch.  And even if by some miracle we can get healthy mom jiving with educational mom, when we drop off our kids at preschool we’ll immediately notice that just-stepped-out-of-a-magazine mom isn’t sporting a crumpled T-shirt with craft glue in her hair.  (And don’t even get me started on what coupon mom might think if she saw how much we spent on groceries last week!)

Once we realize we can’t be all of them, we resort to option number two: judgment.  Of course, this is rarely blatant.  I don’t tell sporty mom I think she spends too much time at the gym, I tellmyself sporty mom spends too much time at the gym.  I tell myself it’s okay my abs don’t look like hers because she’s probably not nearly as godly as I am.  I tell myself it’s okay I don’t look as put together as just-stepped-out-of-a-magazine mom because she probably spends too much money on clothes anyway.  On and on, I tell myself whatever I think I need to hear to stanch the fear that I don’t measure up.

A few times–not often–I have seen the mommy wars go viral.  Moms screaming and judging one another on television.  A Facebook feed that erupts.  A hateful gossip hay day.  Here is my theory–I picture the hearts of moms across the world being like a really dry forest, the kind that people warn you not to strike a match in.  They are dry because they’re insecure and aching.  They are exhausted and spent.  They are longing to hear that they’re doing a good job, and what’s more to feel like they’re doing a good job.  But because rest and truth and hope can be so hard won, these dry hearts are hazardous.  Flick a spark in their direction and the whole forest can go up in flames.

But what if the hearts of moms were watered.  Not sprinkled every now and then, but watered all the way down to their roots.  What if we knew in the core of our being, that we don’t have to measure up.  What if we knew that Jesus Christ loves and accepts us just as we are.  That He is passionate about our children and will walk beside us, in all our shortcomings, to make us the kind of mom we need to be.  

What if we could quit judging cute mom or healthy mom or crafty mom and instead see them as real, human mom in need of love and encouragement just like us?  Then maybe the next time someone suggests you try her organic Ak-Mak crackers or mentions that she just finished a triathalon, you can smile genuinely because you may have no idea what an Ak-Mak cracker is, but you know who you are.  Accepted.  Redeemed.  Treasured.  One who has been born again to a Living Hope and an imperishable inheritance.

What do you say, Mom?  How would you like to be imperfect-completely-loved-free-in-Jesus mom?  How would you like to be don’t-need-to-play-the-games mom?  Capable-of-genuinely-loving-others mom?  Guess what?  That is exactly what Jesus died to offer you.  Initially when I started thinking about this post, I wanted to encourage you by telling you all the things I myself long to hear–that you’re doing a great job, you’re the best mom ever, everything’s going to be awesome for you.  

But instead, I want to encourage you by telling you something much better: 

Whether you’re doing a great job or not, Jesus loves you.  You don’t have to be the best mom ever, Jesus accepts you.  And when everything’s not awesome, you always have hope in Jesus."

The girls playing in Phil's new sprinkler yesterday...with their absolute new BFF, Ethan "The Cobbler Man."  I still don't understand why they are calling him that, but whatever it is about this smart and goofy kid, they adore him.

GO and LET HIM

I had all these things to share with you from the weekend, but tonight is has all boiled down to one.  

Staff retreat Saturday was great (we have such a special group of men and women at Emmaus!!!), all our visiting professors got in safely and with minimal drama yesterday, praise the Lord, and we enjoyed a great morning this morning at Vilmer's church in town even with Leandre preaching the sermon.  The Heckman's are breaking in just fine, Haylie is teaching me how to skateboard on this swiveling wheely thing, professor Leroy brought his dear wife Kay and I keep catching her doing dishes (oh, sweet wonderfulness) and Giselaine is back tonight and doing a lot better.  Classes start tomorrow morning at 8 am, and I'm not lying to you...it'll be REALLY nice to hit Tuesday or Wednesday, have all the start-up stuff behind us, and be plugging away.

Lily has a major kid crush on FanFan ("Mom, it's just that I LOVE him.") and decided to eat with him at staff retreat on Saturday :)

I got no pictures of our meetings, but eating together is everyone's favorite, anyway.

These two are the loviest lovebirds you're ever going to want to meet.  Abel and Myolene (MaAbel) end each other's sentences, share each other's food, sit together without fail in a culture where couples do NOT do that, and grin at each other like they complete each other. 

Lucner, our academic dean (front in red) is always telling everyone to be on time, and then almost entirely missed the staff picture...had everyone laughing.

This morning, at Church of the Celestial Lights.

All good stuff.  But I'm rushing through it to tell you instead about tonight.
You've gotta read this.
Stick with me.

On top of ALL the other things this weekend, Belony asked Matt to come and preach at a crusade service at his church tonight at 6 o'clock.  

Let me tell you.  By 6 o'clock on a Sunday night after an INSANELY busy weekend like this one, when the first day of school starts tomorrow...Matt was NOT excited about this grande finale to the weekend. 

But this afternoon at lunch when he said, "Uh, I do NOT want to have to do that tonight!"  I said, "I know.  But I just know it's going to be great, and that afterward, you will be so glad you did."

He left at 5:30, not even knowing what he was going to share.  He'd prayed about it, and couldn't get a sense from the Lord about the direction.  So, he headed off anyway, and as he was driving through l'Acul on the way to Flavil said that there were just hundreds of people out, milling around, hanging out, and partying.  Weekend evenings are big for partying in this culture, and the way you dress in Haiti (and perhaps everywhere, but esp. here) is to make very clear statements about whether you are in Christ or not.  

Matt said as he drove, he felt so burdened by SO many people in l'Acul living and acting so far from the Lord.  He was disturbed by a lot of what he saw as he drove, and said that his heart felt so burdened with this idea that Jesus was SO NEEDED, RIGHT here, RIGHT now, and so obviously out of sight and mind.

When he finally arrived at the church in Flavil, right on time, the church was locked tight.

Hmmm.  No one was around, at all.  He asked a little girl if there was a service tonight at 6, and she said yes, at six.  But it was 6:10...and no one.  Belo's dad lives right across from the church, so Matt went to see him, and he said the same thing.  Yes, service tonight at the church, yes, at 6.  But NO one was there.  And no Belo.  And Matt couldn't get ahold of Belony...wasn't sure what to do.

At 6:30, a panting, sweating, suited Belony rushed in, apologizing profusely.  "It's not HERE!" Belony said.  "Tonight's the last night of the crusade...it's in the middle of the town square!"

They headed BACK to l'Acul, and headed right for the center of all those people he had JUST driven through and felt so burdened for.  Matt took this picture when he arrived, and the square was empty, the musicians just getting started...

They worked out all the sound kinks, generator kinks, etc., and Matt said it was as disorganized and just bizarre as any other function in this culture frequently seems to be.  But then everything came together, the music got going, the singers all appeared, the loudspeakers got going...and you know.  There's just not that much to DO in Haiti.  So when something is happening?  You go check it out.  

They played/sang until 7, and by now it was almost black out and the square, steps, street and surrounding yards were Packed. Out.

Matt said he was praying and praying, because there were literally thousands of people, almost all of whom openly professing by their dress and behavior to NOT be in Christ, just waiting to see what the one foreigner in the middle was going to say.

Matt was waiting to see what the one foreigner was going to say, too.

And God completed the heavy burden He'd given Matt just an hour earlier for these exact people with His love.

Matt said he felt a clear direction to share with this non-churched, non-Christian crowd of thousands that our God is not One seeking to punish, condemn, and destroy us...but one desiring to Love, Renew, Restore and Complete us.  

He said he started sharing that message, and then went ALL through the New Testament following the life of Jesus from his birth in a manger to His death on the cross and resurrection as PROOF that this is true.  That our God is a God who desires LIFE for us, not death, FREEDOM for us, not condemnation.  To be our Daily Bread and Living Water, not our school principal or our judge.  

He touched on Christ's miracles.  He spoke through Christ's words.  He walked through Christ's life, and he went through Christ's love.  And then he talked about what it all meant for each one of us.  TODAY.

Matt says he's never done or seen anything like it.  Never talked to so many people at the same time.  Never spoken to such a HUGE crowd, unreached or otherwise.

And never expected them to be so interested.  

Matt said despite the utter darkness that had now fallen, despite the thousands...thousands of people, you could hear a pin drop, and that heads were bobbing in understanding in waves.  That there was a look on so many faces of complete surprise at what he was saying. Matt preached for about an hour like this, and finally at 8:30, wrapped up his portion and headed home, drenched in sweat and with visiting professor orientation still to do...with the crusade service truly JUST getting started.  

Belony's expectation was that it will continue until 1 or 2 am.  I'll have a report from the rest of the night tomorrow.

We get so caught up in what WE DO.   Spend so much time focusing on what WE do, how things affect US, how WE look while doing it, how it goes for US, what's in it for US.

MATT did one thing tonight.  Put on his tie and shirt and got in the car.

All Matt did was GO.

And as Matt went...God gave him HIS burden.  HIS perspective.  

And as Matt waited...God gave him HIS audience, HIS crowd.

And as Matt stood, God gave him HIS message, HIS life to share.  

And as Matt spoke, God did HIS thing in EACH heart of EVERY man and woman He so intimately knows and loves and desires to be in relationship with.

We get to thinking we're just so tired and just so busy, that the mountains are just too high and the needs just too big and the ways just too wrong and that the barriers are just too impossible.  

And they ALL ARE.  

For US.

But all He's asking US to do it GET UP AND GO.

GO talk to that person.  We do NOT have to have it all worked out.  We do not have to know exactly how it's all going to go before we do.  We do NOT have to know what WE are going to say.

If He's whispered GO, (and He HAS) then GO and LET HIM.

GO forgive.  We do NOT have to be wrong, we do NOT have to have it all worked through on our own first, and it does NOT have to be the first time.  

If He's whispered FORGIVE, (and He HAS) then GO and LET HIM.

GO take that stand.  We do NOT have to be politically correct, we do NOT have to be sure it's not going to offend someone (cause it IS), we do NOT have to worry about what someone might think. 

 If He's whispered STAND, (and He HAS) then GO and LET HIM.

GO into all the world and preach the Good News to EVERYONE.  We do NOT have to feel like it or be full of time and energy, we do NOT have to have figured out what we're going to say, we do NOT have to preach our burdens our way to our people.  

If He's whispered PREACH, (and He HAS) then GO.

And LET HIM.

I'm so excited about what God is doing in the world that I can hardly stand it.

We talk and think and know a lot about what PEOPLE are doing in the world, and it'll drown you in discouragement.  If Matt drove through l'Acul tonight to get groceries and came on home, he would have been despairing by what he saw.

But have people ever in their life commanded the morning, and caused the dawn to know its place? Have people ever entered into the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been revealed to people? Have people understood the expanse of the earth? Have people entered the storehouses of the snow? Can man lead forth a constellation in its season, and guide the Bear with her satellites? Does man know the ordinances of the heavens, or fix their rule over the earth? Can man send forth lightnings that they may go, or count the clouds or tip the water jars of the heavens?  Job 38-39

NOOOOO.  Then why do we act like what PEOPLE are doing in the World is what MATTERS?

He always has been, is, and always will be, the KING.  Of l'Acul, of Haiti, of the WORLD. 

 It is not the ways of the world that are to direct our paths, family!  Not the ways of the world that are to motivate our burdens or our actions.  

It is to be the KING, and He is ABLE.  

If we GO and let Him.

to know His voice

We interviewed a young woman yesterday who has been a Christian most of her life.

When asked why she wants to be a student at Emmaus Biblical Seminary, she shared that she has felt like God's been telling her to go to seminary to study His Word for many years now.

"But I didn't want to.  I wanted to be a nurse instead, so I started nursing school a few years ago.  But I kept feeling like I was being disobedient and not doing what God had asked me to do.  But I continued to do nursing school anyway."

"So," someone asked, "Did you graduate?"

"No," she explained.  "I was three months away from graduation this past spring when I had a vision, and in that vision, God told me I had to go to Seminary, and He wrapped His hands around my neck and started choking me and choking me, and I knew that if I didn't obey, He was going to kill me right then and there, so...here I am!"

Sounds crazy, right?

Living in a country where spiritual warfare is a lot easier to see, we hear about things like this frequently.  While I've never heard this said about God, I've heard lots about demons choking and strangling people in visions, or about people having dreams in which evil and darkness and Satan tries to kill them.  (And by the way, he is.)

Matt, who rarely speaks up in interviews anymore, couldn't let that testimony go by.

"Sister, you know that THAT was not God?  GOD doesn't do that.  Our God doesn't choke us and twist us and force us to obey Him.  Our God doesn't threaten obedience, or even threaten for our Love. He will direct us, but it is for us to obey and follow.  I'm not saying you didn't have a dream...but THAT wasn't our God."

Now of course, most North Americans would say that it is totally outside of His character to strangle us to death if we disobey.

But the whole thing got me wondering: is it possible that there are a lot of other lies that we're believing about who He is (Can He be trusted with MY life?), what He wants (I know God just wants me to be happy!), and what it means to follow Him (Since I am saved by grace, I know my works don't matter!)?  Things that might sound totally normal culturally, but has God mourning that we know Him not?

I heard from a dear friend recently who has every right in the world to be entirely angry and even to be bordering on hatred.  By ANY human perspective, the situation is infuriating.  Injustice is obvious.  Pain is intense and personal.

But instead of writing to vent, I was asked to pray...pray that instead of taking on this obvious, natural perspective, that my friend might put on His love.  His crazy, painful, selfless, forgiving, generous, endless love for the enemy.

When I read that testimony, I thought, "My friend knows who God is.  Didn't have to pray about what He would want.  Didn't have to pray about His desire for this situation.  She KNOWs God and His character, and therefore is asking me to pray for His character in her life!"

It's a lot of work and TIME to get to know someone so well that you KNOW what they would say, what they would want, before they even express it.  It takes a lot of time, a lot of energy, and a lot of maintenance.

And God's not the only force speaking into our lives.  There's a loud world, loud peers, a loud enemy, loud pasts, and a loud natural man inside us each.

It's a lot of work to know God so well, that all the loudness of the world is drowned out by His still small voice.  It's takes a lot of time to know His voice so well that we know what He would say before He has to say it.

But His sheep?  They know His voice.

And as we talk to Him and listen to Him, read His letter and ask Him to change our hearts...as we get to know Him, those voices of the world and others are easily identified as just that: the voices of the world and others.  That which once seemed a normal truth can now take us aback as a lie:  "Wait, I KNOW Him, and THAT doesn't sound like My God."

This woman says she's been following Christ her whole life...yet I wonder if she truly knows Him?

Her testimony has me coming back to Him again and again...Lord, show me the lies I'm believing, BE the only voice speaking into my daily reality, BE the only opinion that matters.  Help me to Know You and to listen to your voice over the voice of the world, the voice of others, and the voice even in my own head.  I want to know you...

And as always--when we are seeking Him, He is found.

well-aware and able

When I was in New Jersey a few weeks ago, during a rare quiet moment on the couch, the Lord gave me a clear vision and awe for what my life and heart would look like if I spent more dedicated time in the Word.  A calm, faithful, and unconfused life, lived fully dependent and joyfully on Him.

Too clear a vision for me to ignore, or carry on without.  As I've prayed for His help doing so, He's been tapping me on the shoulder throughout my day, pointing me back to that quiet place and helping me meet Him there again through His Word.

Today, that brought me to Matthew 5, which is about as laden with meat as they come.  There's not a lot of squidgy room for luke-warm, half-hearted, split-fencedness in Matthew 5.

It's the first part of Jesus' famous "Sermon on the Mount", which must have just had the whole hillside hushed and hungry.  I know it does me, today.

It hit on every corner of my heart, first with the Be-Attitudes, then with a challenge to be salty salt and brilliant light, then with convicting new definitions of murder and adultery and what to do with anything in our lives and selves that make us stumble.

Heavy good.

Then the descriptive passage we all know of how we are to interact with our fellow-man.

If he slaps your right cheek, give him your left.  If he wants your shirt, give him your jacket, too.  If you're forced to go one mile, go TWO.  If he asks, give.  If he's your enemy, love him like your friend, and pray for him, too.

So now, not only have we been called higher to be peacemakers, to be rejoicingly persecuted, to be pure in heart, merciful and hungry for righteousness, not only drop everything we're doing to forgive and ask forgiveness, not only painfully purge ourselves of anything pulling us away from holiness, but also to be beaten up, naked, exhausted, broke, and praying, to be the crazy people persistently loving those who have wronged us, hurt us, stolen from us, violated our rights, and hated us.  

If you're like me, by the end of this chapter, I'm like, "Lord, it's TOO much.  I mean, I'm just ME.  What!? Am I supposed to be PERFECT?  I mean, this is like JESUS stuff right here!"

And you know what made me laugh and cry out loud as I finished this prayer and turned back to polish off the chapter?  The last verse, Matthew 5:48.

YES, Stacey.  

Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

God is well-aware that what His Son laid out clearly in Chapter 5 is asking us to be perfect, asking us to be. like. Jesus.

Beaten-up, naked, exhausted, broke, praying, crazy man persistently loving those who wronged Him, hurt Him, stole from Him, violated His rights, and hated Him JESUS.

He is well-aware.  And asked it of all those men and women and children, sitting quietly in the grass over 2000 years ago.  And is asking it of ME.  TODAY.

I'm pretty sure--and He's confirming--that I'm not anywhere NEAR as naked, bloody, violated, wronged, broke, exhausted and as beaten up as He desires me to be.

Not only is He well-aware of the backwards life He has asked us to live...but He is ABLE.

Love your enemies like this, and pray for those who persecute you, (rejoicing and being glad, vs. 12) in order that you may be sons of your Father (vs. 45).  

Keep Calm

Whatever my vision of God's purpose for me is, His purpose for me is to depend on Him and on His power NOW.

If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me.

 God is not working toward a particular finish.  What He desires for me is that I see Him, walking on the sea, with no shore, no success, no goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see HIM.

 He can walk on the storms of my life right NOW.

There's the boiled down truth, Stace. Is that the testimony of ME today? Calm? Faithful? Unconfused? Entirely dependent?  

Thank you, again, O. Chambers.

bikinis, me and Jesus

It all started--at least for Lily--about two weeks ago at Target.  We were in the women’s swimsuit section, and I was looking for a one-piece with the girls in the cart, thinking they were paying no attention.

“Oooooo-la-la!” ("Fancy Nancy" series, anyone?) Lily said, gripping a tiny, adorable, bright orange bikini top.  “This is BEAUTIFUL.  Mom!  Get this one!”

Not really paying attention, I kept browsing.  “Uh, that’s nice, sweetie, but no.  That’s not for me.”

As I continued to look for something with full coverage that was not, well…hideous, she continued. 

“Whaddabout this one?  SO CUTE!  Look, it’s got sparklies!”  she raved, going from one triangle to another.  Finally, I stopped.

“Hey Lil?  Mommy’s looking for a big suit, like these, not a little one, like those.  Wanna help me look at these?”

But she would not be dissuaded. 

“MOM!  Those aren’t CUTE like these.  (truedat)   Please, Mom, why don’t you get one of these?”

There were lots of other women around, shopping swimsuits, too, and frankly, I just wasn’t at all prepared to HAVE the “modesty talk” with Lily.  She is FOUR!  What was I going to say?  I'd never thought through how to talk to a four-year old about this.

Sending up one of my frequent, “HELP!” prayers, I took a deep breath and said as quietly as I could, “Hey Lily?  You know what?  My body isn’t FOR me.  The Bible tells us that our bodies are NOT our own, and that the Holy Spirit LIVES INSIDE of us!  Isn’t that exciting?  And because my body is actually GOD’s, and He lives IN me, I want to treat my body like it’s really special.”

Lily was listening SO intently.  “And THAT means I want to keep it covered up, and show people what’s INSIDE my body—Jesus—and not what’s OUTSIDE of my body.  You know?”

She kept thinking and thinking, quietly sitting in the cart in the way every mother both loves and dreads.  She’s my disciple…and yet, has her own brain.  Form-able.  But Individual. 

While she thought, I dove back into the florals, my mind whirling.  Was that right?  Did I say what I should have said?  Did I handle that right?

“But MOM!” Lily interrupted my thoughts.  “Look at all those girls.  THEY’re all wearing those cute suits!”

Following her finger, I realized that posted all around the walls above the swimsuits were huge images of deliriously happy, bone-y, beautiful women in teeny-tiny vibrant bikinis.

Sigh.  Another conversation I wasn’t ready to have yet, the “Not everyone knows and loves Jesus” talk.

“Baby?  Some people don’t know that they belong to God.  And some people don’t WANT to belong to God.  And some people DO, but choose to live for themselves.  But we know we are His, and I believe God wants us to dress in a different way than those girls, than most people.  God lives IN us, so we want to make Him happy.  Uh….you know?”

Thinking, thinking.

“OK, Mom, I see.” she said thoughtfully, and I breathed a sigh of relief.  Oh man.  My girls are growing up.  I know we’ll have the talk again.

Finally giving up my search altogether, overdramatically thinking that I will just NEVER swim this summer (forgot my suit in Haiti!), we headed for the groceries when a woman a bit older than me reached out and touched my arm.

“THAT was the best reason I have EVER heard,” she said, totally catching me off guard.  I hadn’t realized anyone else was listening.  “Thank you,” she said sincerely as we headed off, me half-smiling and booking it out of there self-consciously.

But since, I’ve been thinking more and more about this issue.  

First, because I want to be ready when it comes up again.  And it will, because Lily’s section is 85% bikinis, too.  Second, because I want to really KNOW and BELIEVE what I believe. Third, because anyone who has eyes sees that this is a MAJOR issue in America AND in the church today, and finally, because I’ve read several articles on “modesty” recently, GOOD ones, and seen them downright ROASTED as being sexist, close-minded, degrading and ridiculous.

This sounds a bit vain, but the more I think and pray about it, the more I think what I shared with Lily is IT.  It’s not about “two inches below the knee.”  Not about being a good Christian.  Not about bikini or tankini or swim dress.  Not even about (primarily) others, their thoughts, what our dress does for or against them, etc.

Just like pretty much EVERYTHING else in life, this issue is about ME and JESUS.

Boiled down, at our source, this is what I see on it…

Matt 5:14—You are the Light of the World.  Let your light shine before men in such a way that they will see you, and glorify your Father.

My role:     A Light
                The transparent vessel through which “the world” sees “the Father”

1 Cor. 3:16—Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?

My role:       God’s temple

1 Cor. 6:15—Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ?  Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, whom you have from God?  Do you not know that you are not your own?  For you have been bought with a price: therefore, glorify God in your body.

My role:       God’s temple

                  Live like I am NOT mine

                  Live like I am costly

                  Glorify God in my body

This has got NOTHING to do with being a man or a woman.

Nor does it have anything to do with being alive in America in 2013.  You think God cares that it’s hard to find cute modest swimsuits/ dresses/ shorts at Target?

The seemingly harsh and but reality-beautiful truth, after much thought and prayer, reading and Bible-searching is, I think, just what my first thought was to Lily. 

I am not for me.  I am not mine.  I’m His, and the light through which the world is supposed to give my Father glory.

That, friends, is HUGE. 

What that looks like at the check-out, Sunday morning, Saturday night, is between the Lord’s heart and ours. 

But I’m betting if we think about how we dress (or how we pretty much anything) through the lens of just 1 Cor. 12-20, we’ll be changing it up, adding a layer, or throwing it out.

We’ve got a LOT to give this world, in and because of and through Him and Him alone.  It’s a radiant and serious and intense and precious and Holy calling, to be God’s temple.

Let’s dress like it.  For His glory.