a life-giving slap of {HIS} reality

The power goes out and the thick black air is hot and irritating around me. 

I am SO tired and can't sweaty-sleep.  

First thing, Sofie dumps her juice all over Lily.  

An hour later, Lily dumps her juice all over the bed.  

That I washed YESTERDAY.
The dog jumped though our barred porch while we were gone and shredded NASTY dirty diapers all OVER my house and in the carpet.
I sit down for my devotions and someone colored on a page of my Bible and I reach for my favorite pen and someone has snapped the point off and I am ink stained.  

Our team of friends and next door neighbors are all at the beach and we are left behind at work.  

No matter HOW MUCH I clean up, it is never clean!

Pretty sure no one asked how my day was yesterday.  

No one appreciates the thousands of little things I do everyday.  

In fact, (it always snowballs) no one really cares about me at all.

I'm not brilliant like Matt or important like the students 

or fun like I used to be.  

Most of my day is filled with dishes and dressing, 

cooking and cleaning, 

grading and balancing, 

boogies and boo-boos, 

playing zoo and doing laundry.

In the dark, with rare tears on my pillow, I am feeling miserably sorry for myself and the pathetic situation I am in (ever been there?), when--

by the grace of a Gracious God--

His quiet reality hits me, unexpectedly and fully.

I am not nearly as dead as I want to be.  

I'm not NEARLY as dead as He died for me to be.  

The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified.  

Truly, truly, unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, 

it remains alone; 

but if it dies, it bears much fruit.  

He who loves his life will lose it, 

and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal. 

If anyone serves Me, he must FOLLOW me."  

John 12:23-26

It was for freedom that He set me free, and yet here I am, still trying to cling to the slavery of my own life.  Of sin.  Still trying to love my life.  Still trying to serve Him and follow ME.  

Here I am at almost 30: still thinking about STACEY.

I'm not thinking about identifying with Christ.  I'm thinking about being appreciated.  I'm not thinking about being joyfully poured out as a drink offering to toddlers, to students, to neighbors, to visitors, to strangers.  I'm thinking about how they're not caring enough about me.

What a TRAP!

Here I am, sitting in the garden with Adam and Eve from Lily's toddler Bible. 

"All the stars and mountains and oceans and galaxies and everything were nothing compared to how much God loved His children.  He would move heaven and earth to be near them.  Always.  Whatever happened, whatever it cost Him, He would always love them.  And they were lovely, because He loved them...."

I am fully loved.  Fully lovely because of His love.  Everything I need, everything I could ever ask for, everything I could EVER dream, I have already found in Him! 

And yet, here I was, also like Adam and Eve, trying to make myself happy without Him, knowing full well that there is no. such. thing.

Like Adam and Eve, all over again, I am.  Not just breaking a rule by loving something more than Him (myself), but breaking God's very heart, forgetting my wonderful relationship with Him by focusing instead on me.

It is, as John says, he who HATES his life in this world who will keep it...he who dies to himself as He died to Himself who truly lives.

I'm not NEARLY as dead as I want to be.  

By the grace of God, I have no rights.  I am His.  I have no rights, no merits.  I deserve no thanks, no gratitude, no appreciation.  I deserve one thing, just like every one since Adam and Eve.  

Just death.  

And yet by His grace and HIS death, I have found new life, and by His grace, I don't have to live anymore slave to my rights and my justice and my merit.  Slave to what anyone thinks...not even ME.

It's all because of Him.  All of me is His.  Anything good is because He is good.  

Any chance I have to be walked on, abused, persecuted, or more frequently, just looked over, ignored or unappreciated, is a BEAUTIFUL gift-opportunity to identify with Christ...and to remind myself (not as a coping mechanism, but as TRUTH) that every boogie wiped, every lion tamed, ever salad chopped, every paper graded, every conversation had, every account explained, every boo-boo kissed, every story read, every coffee brewed, every spill swept, every visitor served, every dollar given is an opportunity to DO IT UNTO HIM.

An opportunity to commune with GOD and to LOVE Him and to be loved by Him.

"For this reason, I say to you, do not worry about your life.  

For all these things all the nations of the world will eagerly seek; 

but seek instead His kingdom.  

Do not be afraid, little flock, 

for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the kingdom.

Sell it all, let it go...

for where your treasure is, 

there will your heart be also."  Luke 12:33

Such a happy heart is mine following the slap of His reality last night.  

I  KNOW that receiving more of myself, or of others, is NOT the treasure that I want.  He has been helping me happily die today to the selfish and unsatisfyingly empty "treasures" of appreciation and the value the nations seek.

I want His heart, His pleasure, His glory.  

I want His Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love.  

And I have it.

HE is my treasure, and my portion forever.  

Thank you, God, for reminding me,

 and for bringing me back to Yourself.  

Your voice is so much greater than my own...

and I desire it to be louder than my own, as well.