His.

Today has been the kind of day I don't normally share publicly.

I am for one reason.

As I prayed through the still-quivering of my soul this afternoon, He lifted up my chin and spoke new truth.  Took my perspective and enlarged it.  Took my thoughts and transformed them.  Took my story and universal-ed it.

When He does that, I feel compelled by Him to share, because I don't think He gives us many things to hold tightly for ourselves.

Including Sofie.

My little Sofie is a waif.  A busy-body.  A cuddle-bug.  A sun-beam. A trouble finder.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen to Sofie. If somebody did it, it was Sofie.

Last week, she cut herself a sideburn.  Just one.  And blamed it on Gertha.

This weekend, she colored all over the wall with a pen, as fast as she could, scribbling hard, before I could get to her.  Then said Matt did it.

This morning, she drank kerosine.

As soon as Dodo charged into my office this morning, I gasped, "What's wrong!" and I knew it was Sofie before I ever started running.  Hearing her gasping for air and choking as I charged through the door was chilling, and I knew as soon as I smelled the strong, burning smell of kerosine exactly where it had come from, and that it was my fault.

This weekend, a precious half-gallon of hand-soap leaked all through a cabinet.  Waiting 'till naptime, I begrudgingly pulled every sticky thing out of the cabinet, and started washing everything off and throwing a few saturated things away.

Last year, we had some major generator/power issues.  After nights with no lights, we finally bought a kerosine lamp, like everyone else in Haiti has.  It made a huge difference to have LIGHT, and when we finally sorted out the power issues, I tucked the half-used bottle (a plastic pop bottle) of kerosine away.

Sorting through the cabinet Saturday, I found that bottle, and thought to myself, "Well, THIS is just an accident waiting to happen.  Let's get rid of that!"

I checked the lid and made sure it was screwed on extra tight.  Then, I put it in the large rubbermaid container that we use as a trash can, and put IT'S lid on tight.  It was full, so I then put the whole container outside of the back door.

Monday, our friend Rene would come and take the whole container down to the bottom of the campus to throw out the trash for us...his weekly job in exchange for help for his family.

I almost dumped the kerosine out before throwing away the bottle.  But, accustomed to life in a 5th world country, I knew that Rene would want it.  It is a reality here that ANYTHING you throw away will probably end up used by someone.  I once threw out a magazine on Saturday, only to walk into a friend's house Monday afternoon and found the walls to be newly papered with MY magazine's pages.

Long story short, Rene, coming from a place that I don't understand (as shared on my last post), found two things this morning in our trash that he wanted while I was at work.  A glass jar with no lid, and that kerosine.

He took the tub all the way down to the garbage pit, dumped it all out, took that kerosine bottle, poured the kerosine INTO the glass jar (2 birds=1 stone mentality) and then brought it all the way BACK to our house, put it outside, on the ground, by the corner of the back of our house, UNCOVERED, no lid, and then went to rake leaves somewhere else.  He was going to come back and get it later to take home.

I don't know.  Obviously, I don't really understand the thinking here.  Obviously, we have been through our share of frustration and even anger at his thinking today.  And you are joining me now in thinking that this was obviously a terrible decision.  But.  Rene is old.  Incredibly poor.  He has no little ones at home.  He wasn't thinking about little ones.  He was thinking about free kerosine for his lamp.

Fast forward....past calls to poison control, more than a dozen people with a dozen ideas in the house, past 2 hours at the clinic with Dr. Rodney, past vomiting, lots of prayers, call to the pediatrician, and lots of self-reminding that Sofie is His...His...His.  HIS.

Rene is horrified.  Devastated.  Shocked.  Embarrassed.  And it was stupid.

But it was not his fault.

You know about Israel.  Not really known for outstandingly bold steps of faith and righteousness.  They held fast to their traditions.  Seemed to miss the boat a lot of times.  Had a hard time changing.  Had a hard time following.

Their leaders were no exception.  And after all kinds of horrible, terrible, no good, Baal worshipping, very bad men and lots and lots of death and murder and betrayal, there finally seems to be in 2 Kings a streak of hope.  

It started with Jehoiada, who made a covenant between the Lord and the people, that they would be the Lord's people.  Then, all the people went to the house of Baal and tore it down, killed his priests, broke his images, and the land rejoiced and the city was quiet.

A seven year old became king, and "Jehoash did right in the sight of the LORD all his days in which the priest, Jehoiada, had instructed him.  Only the high places were not taken away; the people still sacrificed and burned incense on the high places (2 Kings 12:2-3)."

Finally, some peace.  Finally, quiet.  Finally, dedication.  But the high places built in worship to other gods REMAINED.  Finally a man who did what was right before the Lord.  But he left them.

Then 2 Kings 14:4, Amaziah.  "He did right in the sight of the Lord, only the high places were not taken away."

Then 2 Kings 15:4.  Azariah.  "He did right in the sight of the Lord, only the high places were not taken away."

15:35.  "Jotham did what was right in the sight of the LORD, only the high places were not taken away, and people still sacrificed and burned incense there."

...however, they did according to their earlier custom, and while these nations feared the LORD, they also served their idols; their children likewise, and their grandchildren, and their children, and so they do to this day.

Despite the king's pursuit of doing what was right in the sight of the LORD, because they left the high places, the people just kept being unfaithful...unfaithful...unfaithful...and so they do to this day.

But then, there was Hezekiah, chapter 18.  Twenty-five year old Hezekiah also did what was right  before the sight of the LORD, according to his father.  But.

He removed the high places and broke down the sacred pillars and cut down the Asherah. He broke in pieces the bronze snake Moses had made, because people had been burning incense to it.  

And He trusted in the LORD, the God of Israel, and there were none like him. 
For he clung to the LORD; 
he did not depart from following Him, 
but kept His commandments.  

...and the LORD was with him.

He didn't just do what was right.  He tore it all down.  Destroyed it all.  Even objects of faith and victory that had become stumbling blocks.

Didn't just do what was right.  He trusted the Lord, too.  Clung to Him.  Did not depart from Him.

And so the Lord's sight wasn't just pleased.  The Lord was with him.

So here I am.

Yes, Rene.  He left the fuel out.  And yes, Gertha was watching them.  And yes, Lily knew better.  And yes, Dodo and Bubba were here.

But you know what?  When I had that fuel in my hand, instead of dumping it out, or taking it to the trash myself, I saw that it was dangerous, and kept it around.  And I am Sofie's mom.  Instead of destroying it, I left it around, and my little followers, they played with it.

Am I trying to say that leaving the kerosine in the trash outside was like leaving idols up to Baal?  Of COURSE not.  Obviously, I'm not saying these two stories are the same.

But what He DID show me today was this:...if there is something around our lives that could cause damage (physical, relationship, spiritual), and I let it remain, it WILL CAUSE DAMAGE.

Hindsight, of course, today makes me realize that I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  Sin, of course not.  Terrible mom?  Of course not.   But I have an ornery ornery 2 year old in the house.  Never should have left it.  Never should have left it for someone else to make sure my 2 year old didn't get it.  Never should have assumed it would be no big deal.

What He's asking me tonight ISN'T to "be a better mom", nor to "stop making mistakes."  What He's asking me tonight is this:

What are my high places?

What are the things He has shown me...pointed out to me...and yet I still haven't abandoned?  Changed? Destroyed?

What are the things He has asked me to do...and I'm still dilly-dallying...still waiting....still coming up with some excuse?

Where are the places He's asked me to go, shown me as ugly, revealed to me as temptation, pointed out as my "customs" that aren't His, guilts I like to come back to, wrongs I like to dwell on, lies I like to think about?  Worries I like to cling to?  Good things that have become idols?  Baggage I like to pick back up?

When I heard she'd found kerosine, I knew EXACTLY what Kerosine.  I had seen it, I had held it, I had realized it could be dangerous, and I had left it.

When Israel continued to be unfaithful, everyone knew exactly where.

When we sin, when we stray, when we struggle with sin, is it possible that God knows EXACTLY what caused it in our lives?

And has SHOWN it to us before?  And we could have clung to Him and destroyed it and trusted?  But instead, we left it?

Sofie is good tonight, praise praise the Lord.  She is happy and chattering and running and trying to use glitter glue to tattoo her sister.  Praise the Lord.

And I will, Rene will, we all will NEVER again.  Because what could be dangerous became such real danger.

But there is a truer danger, still.  And it's not enough to DO right in the sight of the LORD.  He doesn't just want us to be good.  To do right.  He wants us completely abandoned.  Entirely trusting.  CLINGING.  Killing sin.  Destroying unholy.

And He wants us to be entirely His.

And tonight?

That's all I really want, too.

love and prayers

We are just having internet issues galore!  It's been down for several days and I'm finally able to get on the blog but am struggling to post it and can't receive email...ah.  What can you do?  We may soon be relying upon smoke signals.

So, 10 Random Things to Share...

1) Eric and Jeremiah successfully determined the problem of generator 2, which has been down for 6 months, and fixed it...Praise the Lord and THANK YOU.  

2) We also had a new generator that we've been waiting a long time for make it in on Wednesday, and Uncle Don and Sam are working on hooking it up as we speak.  This new energy efficient generator should save us a gallon of fuel an hour, which saves around $68 dollars a day...$476 dollars a week....Yeah, this could be BIG!  Electricity (and anything that most people don't have) is SO EXPENSIVE!

3)  Sunday at Coup-a-David was fabulous.  Rick and Carol joined us for their first trek up, and we all had a great time seeing “the world” and walking through peoples lives.  I also got to see the triplets who were new born last time we came through, and they are pudgy and happy and blessed. 

Enick preached a powerful and humbling sermon on the widow who had just enough flour and oil left in her jar for two last loaves and made bread, instead, for Elijah, from 1^st Kings 17.  Oh man, it was good.  We don’t have to have much to give it, and to trust Him with the results.

It was a great and MUDDY mud day, great worship, good fellowship, and the feeling (for me, anyway) that it was a good day to be in Haiti.

4)  Sofie very proudly and happily brought me a dead bird today.  Like, was flinging it around happily and tried to hand it to me, pronouncing "GUCK!".  What if we had had boys???

5)  Random made-me-crack-up of the day Monday: 

Eric:  “I was welding the gate, and then a couple kids showed up.  They wanted me to sharpen their machetes and knives, so I did, and before I knew it, there were TONS of kids.”

Me:  “So what’d you do?”

Eric:  “I sharpened all the knives.”

Me:  “So….You sharpened knives for small children today?”

Eric:  “A dull knife is very dangerous!  This will help them so much.”

If you’re not laughing here, remember this is a very different culture.  Every little boy is wielding a machet by 5.  You can laugh…

Plus, in the midst of fist-bumps and machetes, check out that loaded banana truck!

6) Bible study: The women’s Bible Study I’m a part of on Monday’s continues to be a really powerful and touching time.  We studied the end of 1 Corinthians 1 yesterday, in which we’re reminded that the wisdom of God is seen as foolishness to the world, and vice versa.  I asked if anyone had any examples of this, and one woman shared a very common story.

Her husband left her and her five small children a few years ago for another woman…and soon left that woman for another.  My friend worked and struggled to care for their five children, and shared with us painstaking and sacrificial ways she had managed to get some of them some education.

After three years, her husband came back…three years with NO word to her or their children, with not a penny to help.  He returned with NOTHING, deathly ill, hungry.

I was devastated at this point to hear her share this dark time.

And do you know what she did?  Wisdom of the world: Kick his mangy butt to the curb.  (or Stacey wisdom.)  Wisdom of God, Word of God: She took him in.  She cared for him.   She bought him medicine, fed him their food, took care of him. 

This man who had damaged and abandoned their family and her heart entirely.  Who had caused such suffering.  She cared for him, and restored him to health.  Because she felt this was what the Bible told her to do.  Love endlessly.  Care for the sick.  BE the Good Samaritan.

I can’t even imagine.  To close, I asked if their relationship has been restored.

“Once he got his feet under him again,” she told us, “He left with another woman.  Now I see the Bible is also telling me to forgive, so I’m trying to do that.  Can you pray for me?”

It’s a good hour.

7)  Eric and Jeremiah left Wednesday (Thank you guys and your families SO much!) but much to Lily's relief, Uncle Don is still here for another week. She told me today when upset with me for making her take a nap, "When I grow up, I'm living at Uncle Don's house!"

8)   This is our road.  The guys weren't supper impressed.  We think it's getting better.

9) Lily...I'm just so proud of Lily.  When I wait outside the gate for her each afternoon, and see her come around the bend, meshed in a huge crowd of kiddos, grinning and chattering...ah, it just kills me.  She has done it.  The impossible.  The cross-cultural.  The bi-lingual.  The terrifying.

With joy.  

Despite her worry-wort mother.  She's singing her sha-la-la, writing her A's and O's, eating her Chico's and busting out her classic Haitian kid camera pose.  She's chatting in Creole, she's playing with 200 kids on three swings and a balance beam, she's sporting her ribbons...

With joy.

  

10.  It has been MONTHS, months months since Matt and I have had a meal together by ourselves...or had anything that comes close to a date.  And today, we finally just put the girls down for their naps and went out for lunch, and yes, it was rice and beans and the road is bad and it was only 90 minutes...but the girls never even knew we were gone and it was GREAT to have some time together.  

We've got to stop neglecting that.  Someone remind me :)

Love and Prayers and Joy for today!

lookin' up

Dad got safely in this morning, and we enjoyed a great day together of REST and with friends coming to see him.  So glad to have made it through the week, to have a weekend, and most, to have grandpa here.

Sofie this afternoon, still looking peaked, not eating, stuffy and fussy, but getting some smiles...doing BETTER.  Praise the Lord!

anniversaries

I will always remember the day I came back to my room my sophomore year of college and told my best friend and room-mate that I thought I wanted to date Matt Ayars.

"Matt AYARS?" She looked at me in disbelief.  "Like, the Matt Ayars you are always fighting with, and always complain about, and you can't stand him, and he can't stand you either?  And remember last week when you said you were never dating again ever and were going to be a single, strong missionary all of your life?"

"Uh, yeah.  That Matt Ayars.  I think I like him now."

Nineteen months later we were married, and today, it's been six years!

What drove me nuts about Matt Ayars and what I have come to greatly value was that he didn't tell me what I wanted to hear and didn't put me first in his life.  He was searching out the Lord, and wanted that for me, as well.  I love being second in Matt's life, and love that to this day, he is still way more interested in our personal relationships with the Lord than with what others think or the pressures of the world.  

It has been a beautiful six years and I am grateful everyday for a truly God-given husband and Godly dad for my girlies!

...AND Miss Sofie has been with us ONE week today!  Hard to believe...time is already flying!  She has slept 6.5 of those 7 days :)  Her one week appointment went great, she's gained some weight and is doing well.

I feel so incredibly blessed.

Grandpa was dehydrated, but it led to some more major issues.  He's still in the ICU and they are trying to get his medication regulated.  He's doing well though and my dad has been there and will be until tomorrow.  Then, my sister will be driving out there for a few day, and Matt and I will be there on the 20th.  Thank you for all your prayers!

Aunt Lisa plans to keep the girls tonight so that Matt and I can go out to dinner.  We also had good friends come and spend the day with us this afternoon (Scott and Lacey), and were able to catch up with good friends yesterday at their pool...Lily LOVES going to "Jenn's House", playing with Erika and Lydia and with their kid goggles, was swimming better than ever.

  

        

sofia lovely ayars

Just as Philosophy means "love of wisdom", Sofia means wisdom.  I took Lily from the Hebrew word for Susan, after my mother, and then Matt chose Sofia from the Greek.

She must already know that this is the meaning of her name, because thus far, Sof spends the large majority of her time sleeping and pondering the complicated things in life.  

We searched and searched for a good Haitian middle name for Sofie, always coming down to a word we really loved in Creole but that just didn't sound quite right in English.  

However, Lovely  is not only a rather common Haitian name (several little girls in Saccanville carry it), but more personally it is the name of a little girl in Port-au-Prince that really touched our hearts years ago.  As we were praying about and searching for what His call was on our lives, little Lovely and bringing Jesus to her people contributed to where we are today. 

Plus, you have to admit that she IS Lovely.   

This also means that we have a LSA and a SLA :)

The ONLY time Sofie seems to get upset is when she is cold, and for about 10 seconds max.  She will be very glad to learn that we live in a warm climate 365 days a year...What a gift! 

I love how wrinkly new babies are!

Once again, it's crazy to us how much you can love someone you just met, and that all that love we have for Lily can be had AGAIN for another.  Just wild. 

If nothing else, we are constantly reminded what a gift these girls are!  As with all of His gifts...GOOD, unmerited, undeserved, unimagined and still, thankfully, His!

 and just in case you were thinking like we were that Sofie looks TOTALLY different than Lily...here was Lily at 1 week...  Guess not :)

Sofie's going to join Lily's blog now!

settling in

After 24 hours in the hospital, we're all back home and very glad to be!  I hate hospitals :)

It is wild to all of us that all of the waiting, preparing, thinking and WAITING (did I mention that already?) of the past 9 months is over, and suddenly there is this new person, and God's given her to us to take care of forever.  It's just wild, the miraculous way God works.  

"My baby" is a very well loved little sister.  "Where is my baby?" Lily is always saying, incessantly fond of head petting, face kisses and holding the baby.  Sofie is going to be a tough little baby with all of this good toddler love!  When the nurses took her to the nursery for a blood test yesterday, Lily kept wailing, "Where did she take my baby!??"

Without Aunt Lisa, Uncle Adam and Grandpa here, we'd be swamped!  They are making food and med runs, playing tirelessly with Lily, changing diapers...it is beautiful to have the opportunity to have family around during this special (and really needy) time.

Also (this is crazy), Matt's very best friend from high school, Alex, who was in our wedding, etc. and his wife had a baby girl and named her Sophie at 3 am on the 4th, just two hours before our Sofie was born...what are the chances??  We knew they were pregnant, but didn't know when they were due, that they were having a girl, that the girls would have the same name, etc...Pretty crazy

Will have more pix tomorrow of Sofie settling in and will talk a bit about her name, and then will get Sofie news over to the girls' blog for those of you who are getting babied out :)  Thank you again for all of your love, prayers and excitement over this new member of His family!

good news

Sorry, all...Blogger has been having some trouble.

WELL, we have great news to share with you...

We met with the same group of specialists today that we met with back in January, and for the second time, the moment the wand touched my stomach: "Everything looks beautiful, I don't know what your doctor is talking about!"

Sofie's boney butt, not her head, is up in my ribs, with her head down perfectly and everything exactly as it should be.  She is 6 pounds 10 oz, and just everything, from her heart to the length of her thigh bones, looked just perfect.

The specialties again are not sure how the bad report from yesterday turned into nothing but good news today...once again, it seems that either the Lord miraculously changed the circumstances in less than 24 hours, or human error created an issue that never existed.  Either way, we are abundantly grateful for a healthy baby, for my health and fully credit Him for her existence and health!

We're also not really feeling excellent about the doctor I've been seeing as delivery rapidly approaches,  and will be meeting with someone different from the same practice on Thursday.

Matt got home late Wednesday night and is off again tomorrow morning...this time for New Jersey to have a few days with family!  Lil, grandpa and I will be working in the yard all weekend and finishing off Lily's playground, and meeting up with some good friends Sunday.

So grateful to have a Solid Rock as our firm foundation, who knows when every sparrow falls and clothes each tiny flower.

"Somehow babies just do all the growing and fixing on their own," one of the nurses said today, and I was so glad to be able to share with her that it's the God of the universe and not a 6 pound baby working miracles each day.

an added crisis, English aches and proper placement

The Easley's made it back to the States safely, and our visiting professor who planned to come tomorrow cancelled yesterday.  This is the second visiting professor who has had to cancel for April, totaling 60 hours of teaching that suddenly needs covered!  Lucner and Matt "flipped for it" this morning and are each rather anxiously attacking 30 hours of classroom time...a HUGE amount of preparation!

Matt will be teaching Inductive Bible Study and Lucner, Civil Rights.  I'm very thankful for these guys and everyone's continual willingness to sacrificially help out when needed.  They are both also feeling the weight of their master's studies, administrative tasks, and the other courses that they are both teaching...please be praying for us!

Sofie is officially 30 weeks along (see the girls' blog here) , Lily and Dodo and I are all feeling better, Matt is on his way to town now to preach at an English chapel service that a friend is having, the heat keeps ramping up and life continues to be a busy joy.

Today's English class was especially fun.  We just began Unit 12, which talks about emotional, spiritual and physical health and problems.  It begins with learning the parts of the body, which had me bent over with laughter.

No one ever mastered the pronunciation of "thumb", which has lots of non-Creole sounds in it, and there were lots of good questions, like "Teacher, are mouth and belly synonyms?", "Can I add -ache to any body part if it hurts, like back-ache, elbow-ache and buttocks-ache?" followed by "What is a buttocks?" and "Why is your small finger called a pinkie?" and "What do you call a sixth finger if you have a sixth finger?"

It is also April's Fools Day in Haitian culture, as well, and I always get particularly nailed being rather gullible.  The favorite joke every year seems to be to tell someone that someone else was looking for them, and then laughing hysterically whenever the two people find each other and didn't need each other at all.  I fell for this at least 4 times this morning.  Junior got me particularly well, but then his dear conscious bothered him too much during prayer time in chapel and he left the service to find me and to apologize :)

This morning's "Utmost" reading nailed my days struggle again...

Look at our current circumstances.  Do crises which affect us or others in our home, business, country or elsewhere, seem to be crushing in on us?  Are we being pushed out of the presence of God and left with no time for worship?


If so, we must put a stop to such distractions and get into such a living relationship with God that our relationship with others is maintained through the work of intercession, where God works his miracles.  


Beware of getting ahead of God by your very desire to do His will.  We run ahead of Him in 1001 activities, becoming so burdened with people and problems that we don't worship God, and we fail to intercede.  If a burden and its resulting pressure come upon us while we are not in an attitude of worship, it will only produce a hardness towards God and despair in our own souls.    


God continually introduces us to people in whom we have no interest, and unless we are worshiping God the natural tendency is to be heartless towards them...giving them a quick verse of Scripture or leaving them with a hurried, uncaring word of counsel before we go.  A heartless Christian must be a terrible grief to our Lord.


Are our lives in the proper place?