getting ready

After an incredibly long day yesterday--leaving Delaware at 10 am and arriving in Columbus, Ohio at 11:30 pm--we were wiped!  We stopped halfway through and visited my mom's parents...both of whom the girls absolutely adore.  We had a great visit with them, when the girls let us get a word in edgewise :)

As we loaded back into the car around bedtime to finish our trip, Great-Grandma was saying good-bye to Lily when Lily looked at Great-Grandma and I and said, "Mom, who IS she?  I mean, in our family?"

"She's MY mommy's mommy," I told Lily.

Lily was thinking, thinking, then said, "But YOUR Mommy is in heaven."

"Yep," I said.

"Sooooo," Lily said slowly, then pointing at Great-Grandma.  "Is SHE still living?"

The look on Great-Grandma's face as she patted her arms and said, "Why yes, I think I am" was PRICELESS.  Only a four-year old.  Trying to figure it all out :)

We had a GREAT time with Matt's family and with so many of our adopted family in Delaware, New Jersey and PA.  We're incredibly grateful.

I never would have thought we could have seen so many people, been so many places and spoken so many times in 2 weeks...all the while having great quality time with family and friends!

This afternoon Greg and Cathie, our dear friends from Haiti who played a huge part in God giving me His heart for Haiti, drove to dad's house to meet with us for a few hours...always such a blessing to be with these wise, loving and unconditional people.  There are people in each of our lives who have a reputation for speaking TRUTH into our circumstances and hearts, and Papa G and Mama C have had that heritage in my life for 12 years now.

Praise the Lord for those people who ask the hard questions, listen deeply, and give us the hard--but undeniably true--truths.

Our time state-side is wrapping up!  Matt heads to Florida the end of this week to be the keynote speaker at Niceville UMC's annual missions conference.  After traveling so much this summer, we weren't sure the girls and I could swing one more thing, but I hate that we're going to miss it!  The schedule is on their site, and if you live near Niceville, Florida, Matt would LOVE to see you!  He'll be out, making more family :)

He then heads straight from Florida to Indiana for EBS Board meetings, and then will swing through Ohio to get us girls and our bags and head back to Haiti, August 6th!

Lily, as much fun as she's been having, has been incredibly homesick and asking left and right how many days there are left until we head home.  As is true 365 days a year for us, we are missing friends and family, and after so much traveling and speaking, we've got to admit we're looking forward to being in our own beds and in the same place...even if life in Haiti is still a good match for our crazy-short-term life in North America!

Thank you for all your continued prayers as Matt pours out in Niceville and in Greenwood and as we prepare in so many ways to return home!

testify

Last night at the MFM speaking event, we showed a video about EBS with footage around northern Haiti and EBS's campus.  Our family has seen it 20 times, at least.  But as we were watching with the group, I realized Lily's eyes were glued, and a few minutes later, I saw tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Lily! Lily!" I gasped, "What's wrong, hunnie!?  Are you ok?"

And this is exactly what she said: "Mom, when I see these pictures of Haiti, I feel so sad in my heart, and I just want to go home.  Can we please go back to Haiti now?"

It broke my heart, and also had me uttering one of those "without words" prayers of praise to our Father.

The reality is that while I do my best in Haiti to protect our girls, work hard to make them happy, strive to give them a good education, help them build good relationships, etc... I can't make them LOVE Haiti or it's people.  I can't give them a HEART for Haiti.  Much less a broken one.

But I realized last night that HE has.  It's where God asked us to be, Matt and I, and JUST as He promised, He IS taking care of our children, too...even of their little hearts.

Even as a four year-old, with four year-old priorities, He's giving Lily a love and a joy for a people and country with no playground, no fast food, no zoos, no aquariums, no Disney Worlds, no toy aisles...so deep that her heart longs for HOME.

Just as He's provided for US, He's providing for our children, even down to the God-Alone love in all of our hearts for Haiti.

Her tears were for me a sign of His faithfulness to His promises to ME--not as His daughter or as His follower or as His worker or as a missionary, but as a MOTHER.

and I'm telling you, because I want to remember.

love and prayers

We are just having internet issues galore!  It's been down for several days and I'm finally able to get on the blog but am struggling to post it and can't receive email...ah.  What can you do?  We may soon be relying upon smoke signals.

So, 10 Random Things to Share...

1) Eric and Jeremiah successfully determined the problem of generator 2, which has been down for 6 months, and fixed it...Praise the Lord and THANK YOU.  

2) We also had a new generator that we've been waiting a long time for make it in on Wednesday, and Uncle Don and Sam are working on hooking it up as we speak.  This new energy efficient generator should save us a gallon of fuel an hour, which saves around $68 dollars a day...$476 dollars a week....Yeah, this could be BIG!  Electricity (and anything that most people don't have) is SO EXPENSIVE!

3)  Sunday at Coup-a-David was fabulous.  Rick and Carol joined us for their first trek up, and we all had a great time seeing “the world” and walking through peoples lives.  I also got to see the triplets who were new born last time we came through, and they are pudgy and happy and blessed. 

Enick preached a powerful and humbling sermon on the widow who had just enough flour and oil left in her jar for two last loaves and made bread, instead, for Elijah, from 1^st Kings 17.  Oh man, it was good.  We don’t have to have much to give it, and to trust Him with the results.

It was a great and MUDDY mud day, great worship, good fellowship, and the feeling (for me, anyway) that it was a good day to be in Haiti.

4)  Sofie very proudly and happily brought me a dead bird today.  Like, was flinging it around happily and tried to hand it to me, pronouncing "GUCK!".  What if we had had boys???

5)  Random made-me-crack-up of the day Monday: 

Eric:  “I was welding the gate, and then a couple kids showed up.  They wanted me to sharpen their machetes and knives, so I did, and before I knew it, there were TONS of kids.”

Me:  “So what’d you do?”

Eric:  “I sharpened all the knives.”

Me:  “So….You sharpened knives for small children today?”

Eric:  “A dull knife is very dangerous!  This will help them so much.”

If you’re not laughing here, remember this is a very different culture.  Every little boy is wielding a machet by 5.  You can laugh…

Plus, in the midst of fist-bumps and machetes, check out that loaded banana truck!

6) Bible study: The women’s Bible Study I’m a part of on Monday’s continues to be a really powerful and touching time.  We studied the end of 1 Corinthians 1 yesterday, in which we’re reminded that the wisdom of God is seen as foolishness to the world, and vice versa.  I asked if anyone had any examples of this, and one woman shared a very common story.

Her husband left her and her five small children a few years ago for another woman…and soon left that woman for another.  My friend worked and struggled to care for their five children, and shared with us painstaking and sacrificial ways she had managed to get some of them some education.

After three years, her husband came back…three years with NO word to her or their children, with not a penny to help.  He returned with NOTHING, deathly ill, hungry.

I was devastated at this point to hear her share this dark time.

And do you know what she did?  Wisdom of the world: Kick his mangy butt to the curb.  (or Stacey wisdom.)  Wisdom of God, Word of God: She took him in.  She cared for him.   She bought him medicine, fed him their food, took care of him. 

This man who had damaged and abandoned their family and her heart entirely.  Who had caused such suffering.  She cared for him, and restored him to health.  Because she felt this was what the Bible told her to do.  Love endlessly.  Care for the sick.  BE the Good Samaritan.

I can’t even imagine.  To close, I asked if their relationship has been restored.

“Once he got his feet under him again,” she told us, “He left with another woman.  Now I see the Bible is also telling me to forgive, so I’m trying to do that.  Can you pray for me?”

It’s a good hour.

7)  Eric and Jeremiah left Wednesday (Thank you guys and your families SO much!) but much to Lily's relief, Uncle Don is still here for another week. She told me today when upset with me for making her take a nap, "When I grow up, I'm living at Uncle Don's house!"

8)   This is our road.  The guys weren't supper impressed.  We think it's getting better.

9) Lily...I'm just so proud of Lily.  When I wait outside the gate for her each afternoon, and see her come around the bend, meshed in a huge crowd of kiddos, grinning and chattering...ah, it just kills me.  She has done it.  The impossible.  The cross-cultural.  The bi-lingual.  The terrifying.

With joy.  

Despite her worry-wort mother.  She's singing her sha-la-la, writing her A's and O's, eating her Chico's and busting out her classic Haitian kid camera pose.  She's chatting in Creole, she's playing with 200 kids on three swings and a balance beam, she's sporting her ribbons...

With joy.

  

10.  It has been MONTHS, months months since Matt and I have had a meal together by ourselves...or had anything that comes close to a date.  And today, we finally just put the girls down for their naps and went out for lunch, and yes, it was rice and beans and the road is bad and it was only 90 minutes...but the girls never even knew we were gone and it was GREAT to have some time together.  

We've got to stop neglecting that.  Someone remind me :)

Love and Prayers and Joy for today!

all i need

Well, SHOCKER...God is good.  

Bear with me through this overly-dramatic-but-true-to-where-I'm-at post.

When we found out my mom had cancer, I left university and moved into the Cleveland Clinic with her.  Those days before her death--though awful in many ways--gave me precious time with her, and gave me witness to her walk with God in a way I hadn't previously experienced.

I saw her suffer, and saw her response.  She wasn't just my mom anymore, but a child of God, living out her battle before Him and with me watching from the bed-side. 

Perhaps her biggest struggle was being absent from the side of her children, a pain I couldn't really understand until these last few years of being a mother.  

Mom had NEVER been absent before.  She was the ever-present, ever-serving, ever-cooking, ever-giving, ever-helping, ever-praying mother...and suddenly she was locked up in a tiny respirator room, reduced (or so she must have felt) to the ever-praying mother.

And sitting there beside her, I heard one prayer over and over: God, I can't be there for my children.  I can't be there.  It breaks my heart.  God, I wish to be the one, but I cannot.  Send someone else, God.  Use someone else, God.  Put someone there, there when they need them, being what I should be, doing what I should do, fill my place, Lord, with someone else.

As heartbreaking a prayer that must have been for her, I heard it over and over again, and I have been touched a thousand times since then to feel God answer her prayer despite her now-continual absence. 

Quite unexpectedly, this morning was one of those mornings.

After a rather sleepless night next to my Lily girl, praying her continually into His hands, we all woke early, had breakfast, all getting ready for school, etc.  I was in the back room getting ready before I planned to attack Lily's hair, somewhat intimidated by the task of smoothing and braiding and clipping all her tresses in the Haitian style.  Nervous.  Rushed.  Trying to trust.

When I heard Lily unexpectedly laughing from the other room, I peeked down the hall, anxious to get started on the task.  And there, I saw her seated in my desk chair, a towel around her, Noel and Gertha (whom I didn't even know were here) both an hour early for work, bent over her, working on her hair and fussing over her uniform.  

"What are you guys even doing here at this hour?" I asked, and they looked confused.  "Everyone knows we have a ti-moun going off to school today!" they said.  "Of COURSE we're here!"

And so there they were, with a child they greatly love, loving me by loving her, and giving me the very family that I needed on my first child's first day of school.  When it was time to get in the car, Noel swept away with Sofie, and Gertha climbed in with me..."so you don't have to do it alone," she told me matter-of-factly.  

And she looked so adorable.  Even when I left her, sitting on her bench surrounded by other blue-ribboned beauties, she looked lovely and calm and BRAVE.  The first song they sang was her favorite little Haitian song, and Lily jumped right in...I felt the Lord calm my heart, reminding me that He knows Lily better than I do, and will meet her needs.  

I mean, she is so brave!  She went off, away from her mother, away from home, for her first day of school, alone, in a class full of kiddos speaking her second language, with a teacher she'd never met, at a big old school she's only been to twice....

A friend told me that no matter how hard it was to see your child face some of these independences, when they DO it, you are SO incredibly proud, and I am.

Noel and Gertha, our family, with Lily.  

And Sofie, who didn't care, as long as she had clips.

So I stayed with her until the mothers were all asked to leave, and she held my hand..."Don't leave me!"  But the moment she saw all the other mother's had gone, she let my hand go.  "OK!  You can go now!"

Sweet Gideon.  As petrified as he was about heading to school today ("I think I might run away from the classroom and hide in a bush!" he told me yesterday) he was such a great big brother, holding on to the girls, looking all old, and being strong for them :)

Now, Lily has been retrieved, brought home and is sound asleep, completely exhausted, and while her ridiculously perfectionistic mother had so hoped that she would have had the best day of her life, she made it, she never did cry, and she was content when I picked her up.  

She also says it was no fun at all, that she was too shy to talk to any of the other children, and that she never wants to go again.

Ah, my heart.  This mothering thing is ridiculously hard and overly emotional.

But He is good, and gave me family right when I needed it, gave my Lily everything she needed, and (again, shocker) just continues to be and provide what we need, when we need it, even that which we thought could never be.  

I am so grateful, and so small a mother, before Him.

basket case mama

There is this cloud hanging over me, over my calendar.  

It's hanging JUST overhead, right where I can't forget it but where it's not visible to others, and I can't seem to shake it.

It might seem dramatic to you (or maybe you have been there...TELL ME what made it easier, PLEASE!), but Lily is going to school, and I am almost sick.

I keep asking myself what I'm so upset about.  We've visited the school several times, we like the school and the people, we've gotten uniforms and books and socks and registered.  We've talking and prayed and researched and thought.  We all agree this is the way to go, the time, the place.

I've been an active participant, taking the steps to bring school forth.  

But now it's here, with just one final week left (October 1st is the day that all Haitian schools begin), and (gulp) I feel like I can't breathe when I think about it...and I can't stop thinking about it.

She is already a year behind in our current culture.  (But, two years early for our first culture.)  She's told me a hundred times she's ready to go, she wants to go.  All the other 3 year-olds in Saccanville are getting ready, all their mothers, almost done gathering all their supplies.  Their fathers, aside from forking over the fees, mostly don't see what the big deal is.  Everybody's doing it. 

 I'll still be doing quite a bit of daily homeschooling, obviously, for her English learning/writing/reading.  And it's only a few hours, it's just in the morning, and it's only a few miles down the road...

And yet.

 My baby girl is going to school.  My firstborn.  The one I have never left.  Never left anywhere.  Even when I'm teaching, I can hear her sweet laughter from the yard we share with the Seminary.  I've never taken her anywhere and left her there.  She was never ready.  Doesn't she still need me terribly?

 And now, with my left-conscious culture telling me she's BEYOND ready and my right-conscious culture telling me she's NO where close, I'm asking her and asking Matt and asking the LORD (Man, I am so glad she is HIS) and...

We're gonna try.  

I've been assured many times that Lily will not be the only 2nd year preschooler in tears...that I will not be the only mother outside the gate in tears.  I guess that helps.  Crying alone is always pretty awful.  Is group crying better?  

And if we try, and she can't (or I can't...as is more likely), we'll bring her back in and I will keep this little bird another year as best I can (and I'd be lying if I said I would be disappointed :)

But what if she can?  What if she is incredibly happy--as she says she will be--to be learning and practicing her Creole, making friends, eating her little tin plate of rice and beans, running through the school yard after the raggedy soccer ball--what'll I do then?  

I will have to face the painful truth all the more.  

My little girl is growing up.  

In Haiti, in America, in English, in Creole, with pizza or with rice...I don't care.

Growing up.

And there's nothing I can do about it.

community and Christmas

Have to admit that we're a bit depressed today with Dodo and Bubba!  Yesterday they headed out, and the girls aren't the only ones who didn't want them to go!  Having true Christian community has been such a gift...We visit in the afternoons, we swap lacking ingredients mid-baking, we eat together several times a week, Lily runs next door several times a day to "Gonna go see Dodo and Bubba!  Be right back!  Don't come with me!"  

We've been very blessed to have so much help and so much family in Dodo and Bubba.  

Living together in Christian community, giving and taking, sharing and serving, ministering and encouraging, praying and helping, is how it's supposed to be!  

Other members of our Christian community had me laughing out loud last night...I was just taking a Calzone out of the oven when I heard Lily squealing outside.  I headed out in the yard with Sofie only to see a hilarious line up.  

First ran Junior down the road, carrying Lily, who was laughing deep belly laughs.  A few yards behind them ran Giselaine and Roziane, in their dresses and tennis shoes...(Granny Giselaine has diabetes and is trying to lower her sugar or something like that).  Then a few yards after them ran Matt and Boone, who is terrible on a leash.  

Lily and Matt had gone to fix the generator, so I don't know how we got from point A to point B, but if I had a lawn chair, Sofie and I would have sat and thoroughly enjoyed the sport :)

Tonight is Christmas Movie night at our house with the weekend students, so the fifteen of us will be enjoying Home Alone or Elf or It's a Wonderful Life.  

Meanwhile, we're working through a GREAT Christmas advent program with Lily that she is adoring.  (If you have a little one at home, we'd absolutely recommend it!)  Each day we read a passage from the Word that throughout the month shares the whole Christmas story, then we make a special ornament together that highlights the story.  

Yesterday we kicked off with a passage from Isaiah, then made a candle ornament with melted yellow and orange crayons.  When Matt came home hours later, Lily ran to the tree, grabbed her ornament, and yelled, "Poppy!  Jesus it the light of the world!"

Merry Christmas, Stacey!  I don't have words to describe the joy of hearing my baby proclaim His truth and begin to hide it in her heart.  I've never experienced any joy like it, a continual reminder that she really is just "on loan" to me from Him.  I'm so glad she is His, and so glad that she's beginning to know it and beginning to love her Father.  For over three years now I have prayed ever day, "Lord, help Lily to know and love you"...

Life is a bit crazy these last few weeks of school trying to get things from this semester sewn up, trying to prepare for next semester, working through student billing, registration, courses, etc.!  But, despite a lack of cold weather, Christmas decorations, and our home culture and traditions that come with Christmas, the joy of what this season means is ringing deep lately to Matt and I both.

Long lay the world

in sin and error pining

till He appeared

and the soul felt it's worth

the thrill of hope

the weary world rejoices

for yonder breaks

a new and joyful morn.

the best part

"Mommy?"  Lily tells me very matter-of-factly this afternoon, "We should obey God needs to obey us."

"We need to obey God, hun?"

"YES.  We need to obey God.  Because....because...because of Jesus."

"Because it makes Jesus happy?"

"YES.  Because it makes Jesus happy in my heart."

"Jesus is in your heart?"

"YES" she says, immediately feeling her heart.  "UMMM.  I don't feel him!"

What a great opportunity.  "Yeah, but He's there!" I shared.   "Even when you can't feel Him or see Him or hear Him, He's there!  And He can always hear and see you!  Any time you talk to Him or need Him, He is there.  And He loves you!"

"Like you do?"

"Even MORE than Mommy does.  Because He MADE you!!  And I asked Him for you, and He gave you to me!  And every day, I say thank you!"

"He gave me to you?"

"Yes!"

"And He gave ME to me?"

"Ummmm.."

"No, no.  God gave YOU to me?"

"YESSSSS."

Looking at her heart and talking loudly: "THANK YOU JESUS."

oh man.  There has been no sweeter part of motherhood so far than sharing precious conversations about the Only One who loves her more than I do...the One who takes care of Lily better than I'll ever be able to.  What in the world would I do if I couldn't put precious her in Trustworthy His hands??  

Lily's starting to know Jesus, and it makes both she and I so happy...

not for us

I’m so thankful for some of the unique opportunities raising the girls in Haiti allows.  Yesterday, we all piled in the truck with Maria and Elisa (our good friends from college who arrived yesterday morning), and drove an hour to a children’s home.  We’re friends with the couple who own the kids’ home, where they currently have 60 children under 3 years old. 

Almost 100% of their children come in because of extreme malnourishment or medical emergencies.  The home tries to help these kids return to good health, whether that means a few months of good food, working towards medical visas for major surgeries (like heart deformities or brain tumors), helping with surgeries, etc. 

Then, the kids’ home tries to return the children to their original homes, or if the situation in the home is so desperate that the family is sure that the child will simply return to his or her original state, the family can choose to release the child to the children’s home, who immediately starts working to find adoptive families. 

We all drove out yesterday for a fall party, and Lily was THRILLED beyond belief to find a playground.  A real playground.  And kids.  Lots of kids.  We were happy to meet several other younger missionaries from this children’s home and from an orphanage in town.  While there weren’t any other kids there who spoke English, Lily had a blast none-the-less. 

It has also given us some good conversations with Lily, with each other and with God about this world, and why things are the way they are, and how to see things with His heart.

The children in the most heart-breaking states were in a small room together, completely emaciated little stick children with wide knees and large heads.  I’ve never seen such starving children, all new to the children’s home and on the brink of death.  Even more shocking was to see these little ones stand up and toddle around, or crawl all over the place, when upon first sight you would be confident they were only a few weeks old due to their size.

“Mommy?” Lily asked me.  “Those kids are sick, huh.  So they have to stay inside?”

“Yeah, hunnie.”

“We need to pray for them?” she kept asking. 

Two more things I’ll never forgot:

As I was talking to  another woman, I was holding Sofie while she was babbling and drooling and grinning.  A third woman walked up holding a tiny little baby, maybe 4 or 5 weeks old, with lots of little fuzz and an adorable grin.  She was holding “Ruff” the same way I was holding Sofie, side-by-side. 

“How old is this cutie?” the woman asked me. 

“Five months,” I smiled down at squirmy Sofie.

“Oh,” she said, “I was just wondering where Ruff stood.”

“Why? How old is he?” I asked, grinning back at his adorable face.

“Seven months” she said, and I swear, all I could think was, “You must be lying.  That’s just not possible.” 

I mean, Ruff was a third of the size of Sofie.  ITTY BITTY.  And over 2 months older.  My mouth went dry and suddenly Sofie seemed huge.  And healthy.  And as I found out later, surrounding by children who had been exposed to measles.  I started worrying about Sofie who hasn’t had her MMR vaccine, and yet here were 60 other little ones living in the midst. 

Later, I followed Lily as she went from new toy to new toy, a trail of toddlers following after us and playing on whatever Lily wanted to play on.  I took a seat on a bench while Lil and a group of adorable kiddos played on a teeter-totter, but quickly moved my feet, realizing that a huge swarm of fire ants were devouring a few greasy grains of rice someone had dropped off their lunch plate. 

A round little boy sitting next to me saw me jerk my feet away, and looked down to see the 14-15 grains of rice and the hundreds of fire ants carrying them away through the dirt. 

“UH!” he mumbled quickly and dove off the bench, attracting near-by boys who fled from Lily’s side to my feet, all diving for each small piece of rice, completely ignoring the stinging red ants crawling up their sticky fingers. 

“No, no, guys,” I told them quickly.  “That rice is SO dirty and look at all these ants!”

But it was too late, and they did not care.

 I’ll never, as long as I live, forget seeing those little hands darting out after each little grain, shoving rice and fire ants and dirt alike into their anxious mouths.  Their round bellies and dimpled cheeks showed that they were no longer starving.  But their actions showed that they had been…and already at such a young age, they know to eat what you find when you can as fast as you can, before someone else does.

Heartbreaking.  Lily, clean and round and unknowing of what hunger even is, now standing by my side, watching the whole thing and asking me to explain.  Heartbreaking.

As I said Wednesday, there is SO much to do in the world.  So much of His love to give and so many people to share it with.  I’m thankful that the God who sees each sparrow rise and fall and who clothes each flower is close to these little ones, their loving Father.  He knows each inside and out, fearfully and wonderfully made them, and sent His Son for them each.  He knows who they are and who He made them to be, He knows what He made them to do.

All I could tell Lily was all I could tell myself.

This world is not for us, is it.  We are not here in this world for ourselves.  We have been sent for others…Just as He was, and the world is waiting for what we have.  Let us be urgent.

Yet again…Christ in us, the Hope of Glory.

Lily's Day

Two year ago today Lily joined us and changed everything about life forever.  One of our favorite parenting books by Chuck Swindoll, Parenting: From Surviving to Thriving, revolves around one major principle:

The job of a parent is to help his or her children come to know themselves,
grow to like themselves,
and find satisfaction in being themselves.

So far, it has been such a joy knowing that our primary job isn't potty training, chicken fingers, crazy hair and getting Lily to wear clothes...but just taking this gift that He is sharing with us and get to know exactly who HE made her to be, and constantly be giving that back to Him.  She still surprises us everyday as more and more elements of who that is come out.

What a gift...and we are thankful for all of you who have loved Lily, taught her, showed her, spent time with her, sat with her or even those of you who have never spent a moment with Lil but have prayed for her...What could do more for a child than those who have lifted them up in love to her Father?  What could do more for ANY of us?

You can see more pictures of Lily's birthday party on her blog...

Happy Birthday, Lily!

in His hands

It only took TWO seconds.  And she was gone.

Lily had finished eating her lunch before us, and was playing with the leaves of a bush right behind me while we ate.  A few seconds later, I said to Matt, "Can you see her?"

"No, but she was JUST right there," he said, and went back to eating while I jumped up to herd her back.

She wasn't by the bushes.  She wasn't in the yard.

"MAATTTT!"  He came to help me, and what was a quick grab quickly turned into a complete nightmare.  I started running down to the water, didn't see her.  through the patio restaurant, around the yard.  Lily was gone.

Almost immediately a French family previously mis-stereotyped as snooty jumped up and started running in other directions, calling for Lily.  The staff jumped into action, running into the kitchen and other doorways near our table, and we continued to search further and further from the bushes.

Several of the staff got on their cell phones, and vocalized the pounding fear in my stomach, "KIDNAPPED.  Little foreign girl.  Yellow hair.  About 2."

"KIDNAPPED." I hear another tell who-knows-who on the other end.  Several recent kidnappings were on everyone's mind.

"KIDNAPPED." The guys at the front gate, contacts in the community, local leaders were all being contacted.

It had been several minutes now, and while Matt's heart was telling him, "She is fine.  You just have to find her" my heart was telling me "kidnapped.  drowned.  hit by a car.  gone" all at the same time.

"Oh God!" I cried out, clutching my chest and just terrified like I have never been in my life.  "HELP me."

She was nowhere, and out of desperation, we left the beach/eating area and started raiding the hotel area.  I ran into the first building and charged up the stairs, only to turn onto the second story and see Lily, standing on the landing of the third story, staring at me.  Staring at me, like, "Well, it's about time.  Where have you been?"

Gosh, I'm crying again just telling you about it.

I hate that I fled from my trust in the Lord so quickly.

I know lots of people have this story.  My own mom used to tell us about the day she lost my big brother at the mall, and about how terrified she was.  She finally ran to the department store security in tears, chocking out a description of my curly haired chunky brother, only to have the police question if the missing child looked exactly like the little boy she had hanging on her hip.

Like my brother, Lily was never not fine.  She was fine.  Not so much as an additional mosquito bite.  She darted into the hotel.  She shimmied up the stairs.  She was trying to find out where they went.

What was a five minute adventure for Lily literally cut me to the quick.  I've never experienced anything like it.  One moment, things were good.  Three minutes later, I felt that my life was over.  Gone.  Kidnapped.  And two minutes after that, by His grace and under His care, He restored it.

Lily quickly forgot the moment.  I feel like I never will.  The whole rest of the otherwise BEAUTIFUL 24 hours at the beach, I clutched her to my side.  Even when she was with Matt, if they were gone for more than five or six minutes, I went to find them.  I fought to sleep last night, constantly playing over all of the "could have's" and "what if's" in my mind, ending always with the unanswerable, "What would we do without Lily?"

I remember once, a few years ago, when curious 3 year-old Gideon drank a cup of Kool-Aid colored Anti-Freeze.  I hardly knew his mom Cammie at all back then, but I remember talking to her about the scare the next day.  As a nurse, she was more aware than anyone the very potential outcome of the situation, but she said to me, "You know?  I never didn't have that peace.  I took action, I did what I could.  And I don't mean that I had peace that he was going to be ok.  I just TRULY knew that even if the Lord took Gideon, that it would be ok somehow, because of Him in my life."

Only just pregnant at the time, I didn't know what to say to that.  Remembering it now, I still don't know what to say to that.  I wish that the staff and families at the beach yesterday had seen a very urgent, but fully relied upon the Lord mother yesterday.  I wish that I had found it easier to TRUST Him with her NOT just when she was also conveniently happy, healthy in MY arms.  I wish I wasn't STILL catching myself overcome with panic of what could have happened.

While I thought I was dying on the beach, His eye was on her each fleeing step, He heard each little grunt up each stair, watched her little pony tail droop over her forehead while she waited for me to find her.

As dear as this precious gift He has given me is, I forgot quickly yesterday that she is just that: HIS.  His gift to me, as mine to give back to Him.  I know that ANY mother would have been shaken by the same situation.  But I have to keep remembering that Lily is HIS, not mine.  His child, not my LIFE.  His gift, not my god.

If she is truly His, and not mine, then He is the one ultimately taking care of her.  I'm going to mess up.  I'm going to look away for a moment, speak out of anger one time, make a poor decision.  BUT HE'S NOT.  Not ever.  Not ever going to mess up with Lily.  Not ever going to look away.  So do I trust Him with His own creation?  Or not?

Aside from that awful five minutes, those 24 beach hours were a complete blessing, full of good food, great family time, good rest, good weather, good conversation, good time with the Lord and happy happy memories.  After a busy start to the school year and Matt's days in Port, it was fantastic to have a few hours away from internet, phones, laundry, dishes and to-do lists and just focus on the Lord and the family He has given us in each other!

Thank you for your ever-prayers for protection, strength and wisdom.  Thank you for your prayers for dear Lil. Please continue to pray that we would grow in our relationships with Him to be ALL that He desires them to be.