His.

Today has been the kind of day I don't normally share publicly.

I am for one reason.

As I prayed through the still-quivering of my soul this afternoon, He lifted up my chin and spoke new truth.  Took my perspective and enlarged it.  Took my thoughts and transformed them.  Took my story and universal-ed it.

When He does that, I feel compelled by Him to share, because I don't think He gives us many things to hold tightly for ourselves.

Including Sofie.

My little Sofie is a waif.  A busy-body.  A cuddle-bug.  A sun-beam. A trouble finder.  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen to Sofie. If somebody did it, it was Sofie.

Last week, she cut herself a sideburn.  Just one.  And blamed it on Gertha.

This weekend, she colored all over the wall with a pen, as fast as she could, scribbling hard, before I could get to her.  Then said Matt did it.

This morning, she drank kerosine.

As soon as Dodo charged into my office this morning, I gasped, "What's wrong!" and I knew it was Sofie before I ever started running.  Hearing her gasping for air and choking as I charged through the door was chilling, and I knew as soon as I smelled the strong, burning smell of kerosine exactly where it had come from, and that it was my fault.

This weekend, a precious half-gallon of hand-soap leaked all through a cabinet.  Waiting 'till naptime, I begrudgingly pulled every sticky thing out of the cabinet, and started washing everything off and throwing a few saturated things away.

Last year, we had some major generator/power issues.  After nights with no lights, we finally bought a kerosine lamp, like everyone else in Haiti has.  It made a huge difference to have LIGHT, and when we finally sorted out the power issues, I tucked the half-used bottle (a plastic pop bottle) of kerosine away.

Sorting through the cabinet Saturday, I found that bottle, and thought to myself, "Well, THIS is just an accident waiting to happen.  Let's get rid of that!"

I checked the lid and made sure it was screwed on extra tight.  Then, I put it in the large rubbermaid container that we use as a trash can, and put IT'S lid on tight.  It was full, so I then put the whole container outside of the back door.

Monday, our friend Rene would come and take the whole container down to the bottom of the campus to throw out the trash for us...his weekly job in exchange for help for his family.

I almost dumped the kerosine out before throwing away the bottle.  But, accustomed to life in a 5th world country, I knew that Rene would want it.  It is a reality here that ANYTHING you throw away will probably end up used by someone.  I once threw out a magazine on Saturday, only to walk into a friend's house Monday afternoon and found the walls to be newly papered with MY magazine's pages.

Long story short, Rene, coming from a place that I don't understand (as shared on my last post), found two things this morning in our trash that he wanted while I was at work.  A glass jar with no lid, and that kerosine.

He took the tub all the way down to the garbage pit, dumped it all out, took that kerosine bottle, poured the kerosine INTO the glass jar (2 birds=1 stone mentality) and then brought it all the way BACK to our house, put it outside, on the ground, by the corner of the back of our house, UNCOVERED, no lid, and then went to rake leaves somewhere else.  He was going to come back and get it later to take home.

I don't know.  Obviously, I don't really understand the thinking here.  Obviously, we have been through our share of frustration and even anger at his thinking today.  And you are joining me now in thinking that this was obviously a terrible decision.  But.  Rene is old.  Incredibly poor.  He has no little ones at home.  He wasn't thinking about little ones.  He was thinking about free kerosine for his lamp.

Fast forward....past calls to poison control, more than a dozen people with a dozen ideas in the house, past 2 hours at the clinic with Dr. Rodney, past vomiting, lots of prayers, call to the pediatrician, and lots of self-reminding that Sofie is His...His...His.  HIS.

Rene is horrified.  Devastated.  Shocked.  Embarrassed.  And it was stupid.

But it was not his fault.

You know about Israel.  Not really known for outstandingly bold steps of faith and righteousness.  They held fast to their traditions.  Seemed to miss the boat a lot of times.  Had a hard time changing.  Had a hard time following.

Their leaders were no exception.  And after all kinds of horrible, terrible, no good, Baal worshipping, very bad men and lots and lots of death and murder and betrayal, there finally seems to be in 2 Kings a streak of hope.  

It started with Jehoiada, who made a covenant between the Lord and the people, that they would be the Lord's people.  Then, all the people went to the house of Baal and tore it down, killed his priests, broke his images, and the land rejoiced and the city was quiet.

A seven year old became king, and "Jehoash did right in the sight of the LORD all his days in which the priest, Jehoiada, had instructed him.  Only the high places were not taken away; the people still sacrificed and burned incense on the high places (2 Kings 12:2-3)."

Finally, some peace.  Finally, quiet.  Finally, dedication.  But the high places built in worship to other gods REMAINED.  Finally a man who did what was right before the Lord.  But he left them.

Then 2 Kings 14:4, Amaziah.  "He did right in the sight of the Lord, only the high places were not taken away."

Then 2 Kings 15:4.  Azariah.  "He did right in the sight of the Lord, only the high places were not taken away."

15:35.  "Jotham did what was right in the sight of the LORD, only the high places were not taken away, and people still sacrificed and burned incense there."

...however, they did according to their earlier custom, and while these nations feared the LORD, they also served their idols; their children likewise, and their grandchildren, and their children, and so they do to this day.

Despite the king's pursuit of doing what was right in the sight of the LORD, because they left the high places, the people just kept being unfaithful...unfaithful...unfaithful...and so they do to this day.

But then, there was Hezekiah, chapter 18.  Twenty-five year old Hezekiah also did what was right  before the sight of the LORD, according to his father.  But.

He removed the high places and broke down the sacred pillars and cut down the Asherah. He broke in pieces the bronze snake Moses had made, because people had been burning incense to it.  

And He trusted in the LORD, the God of Israel, and there were none like him. 
For he clung to the LORD; 
he did not depart from following Him, 
but kept His commandments.  

...and the LORD was with him.

He didn't just do what was right.  He tore it all down.  Destroyed it all.  Even objects of faith and victory that had become stumbling blocks.

Didn't just do what was right.  He trusted the Lord, too.  Clung to Him.  Did not depart from Him.

And so the Lord's sight wasn't just pleased.  The Lord was with him.

So here I am.

Yes, Rene.  He left the fuel out.  And yes, Gertha was watching them.  And yes, Lily knew better.  And yes, Dodo and Bubba were here.

But you know what?  When I had that fuel in my hand, instead of dumping it out, or taking it to the trash myself, I saw that it was dangerous, and kept it around.  And I am Sofie's mom.  Instead of destroying it, I left it around, and my little followers, they played with it.

Am I trying to say that leaving the kerosine in the trash outside was like leaving idols up to Baal?  Of COURSE not.  Obviously, I'm not saying these two stories are the same.

But what He DID show me today was this:...if there is something around our lives that could cause damage (physical, relationship, spiritual), and I let it remain, it WILL CAUSE DAMAGE.

Hindsight, of course, today makes me realize that I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  Sin, of course not.  Terrible mom?  Of course not.   But I have an ornery ornery 2 year old in the house.  Never should have left it.  Never should have left it for someone else to make sure my 2 year old didn't get it.  Never should have assumed it would be no big deal.

What He's asking me tonight ISN'T to "be a better mom", nor to "stop making mistakes."  What He's asking me tonight is this:

What are my high places?

What are the things He has shown me...pointed out to me...and yet I still haven't abandoned?  Changed? Destroyed?

What are the things He has asked me to do...and I'm still dilly-dallying...still waiting....still coming up with some excuse?

Where are the places He's asked me to go, shown me as ugly, revealed to me as temptation, pointed out as my "customs" that aren't His, guilts I like to come back to, wrongs I like to dwell on, lies I like to think about?  Worries I like to cling to?  Good things that have become idols?  Baggage I like to pick back up?

When I heard she'd found kerosine, I knew EXACTLY what Kerosine.  I had seen it, I had held it, I had realized it could be dangerous, and I had left it.

When Israel continued to be unfaithful, everyone knew exactly where.

When we sin, when we stray, when we struggle with sin, is it possible that God knows EXACTLY what caused it in our lives?

And has SHOWN it to us before?  And we could have clung to Him and destroyed it and trusted?  But instead, we left it?

Sofie is good tonight, praise praise the Lord.  She is happy and chattering and running and trying to use glitter glue to tattoo her sister.  Praise the Lord.

And I will, Rene will, we all will NEVER again.  Because what could be dangerous became such real danger.

But there is a truer danger, still.  And it's not enough to DO right in the sight of the LORD.  He doesn't just want us to be good.  To do right.  He wants us completely abandoned.  Entirely trusting.  CLINGING.  Killing sin.  Destroying unholy.

And He wants us to be entirely His.

And tonight?

That's all I really want, too.