epic fail.

 As we were driving away from Cincinnati late last night, enjoying a last spontaneous evening with our dear Aubrys, I realized that every time we head back South, I feel like an Epic Fail.

Don’t get me wrong, we had a fantastic time with them.  And a fantastic time with literally THOUSANDS of people this summer.  We have done a hundred things, been a hundred places.

Almost everything we were asked or invited to do, we did.  Almost every place we were  asked or invited to go, we went.  Almost every person we were asked or invited to see, we saw.

We did late nights.  We did long car rides.  We did no naps for two toddlers, we slept on couches and air mattresses and three or four in a bed.  We did five services.  We did time apart.  

We gave it our ALL with great joy and thankful hearts.  I don’t know how we could have done or seen or been ONE MORE.

But yesterday, my sister moved into an apartment-turned-nightmare, and she needs a fleet of cleaning fairies to join her today on their hands and knees.  Once again, she has a need, and once again, it’s something I COULD DO, and once again.  I. Am. Not. There.

And on our way to Cincy, I called my dear friend for one last talk.  And she had a heavy heart, a new outlook, a transition of heart, a long week.  I didn’t WANT to be on the phone with her.  I wanted to be bringing her an flour-less, sugar-less, dairy-free apple pie and look into her eyes and LISTEN.  Pray with her.  I could DO that (well, with a little help from allrecipies.com).  I WANT to do that.  And once again, I. Am. Not. Coming.

And talking as fast as we could, catching up and charging on with Sarah last night was precious.  I could sit by her and watch our children dance together for the rest of my life.  And she just moved her little ones from Illinois to Haiti to Kentucky, and they’re starting over and know NOone and sure could use a friend to take the kids out while she job searches or keep her youngest when she GETS that job or just to share her heart with. 

And for six months, I got to DO that…wipe the tears and share the sugar and stay up too late talking and watch our kids dance.  And I am NOT doing that any more, and I still WANT to be.

And after four great days with Bex, facing a huge transition and needing some new-reality friends, I want to BE that.  I want to be the common denominator to her drastically different days, the biggest fan who gets to be a part of not just her old dreams, but her NEW ones.

The more I think of it, the more spontaneous friend ministry and life-on-life I want to be a part of, and am not.  I’m just stopping in.  America never felt like a big mission-field to me, when I was from America. 

But now that we’re from Haiti, I SEE it.  It is.  A huge mission-field.  With many many needs for the SAME THING Haiti needs.  That the WORLD needs.

My epic-fail reality, again, is that I am NOT (no matter where we lived) able to be everything that everyone needs…and I wish I could.  It breaks my heart.  When we’re here, I wish we could be there for our friends in Haiti.  When we’re there, I wish I could be there for our friends here.  Even when we’re HERE I wish we could be there for our friends here. 

I want to be Jesus to everyone, everywhere, at the same time :)

Sigh.

I guess I am not God.

Once again, I’m giving my sisters, my family, our friends, our churches, and our COUNTRY back to a living God, the One and Only Who IS able to be everything that everyone needs in every place.  Completely.

I’ve never been what anybody ever needed, in any place.  I remember that, now. 

It's not about ME being everything the world, and my dear ones, need.

It's about trusting HIM...that HE. IS.

Only Him.

He’s still all I’ve got worth giving, and man, I am just going to keep giving all of Him I can and working towards that being less and less of me.

As long as you think that you are of value to Him

He cannot choose you,

because you have purposes of your own to serve.

But if you will allow Him

to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, 

then He can choose you to go with Him.

It is not a matter of our equipment, but a matter of our poverty.

o.chambers

What we miss and what we don't... What we will and what we won't!

If you're one of our "devotional blog readers"--you know--one of those people who jumps online with your morning coffee for something to reflect on throughout the day, this is not that post.

This is just a, in no particular order, musing of all the many things we are missing right now...along with all the things we WILL be missing soon!  If you don't live a "2 months of the year raising your salary and funds for a seminary and then pack for your life the other 10" life, you might be surprised by...

What We Miss

-of course, number one, hands down...people.  I deeply miss daily life with Micheline, Gertha, Noel, Granny, Junior, Shayla and Naomi, the staff and students, friends in the community.  Let's face it...I'm the butterfly...I miss EVERYONE.

Lily has asked for Noel, Junior, Micheline, Gertha, Asheline, Madame Nata, Abel, Maxi, Granny and the dogs, Boone and Ella, 100 times.

Sofie?  Baby Thalia (Gertha's almost 2-year old) at least every day.

 Matt is missing daily life with Vilmer, Lucner, Fanfan and Belo, being constantly cared for by Granny, Mona, MaCodo and MaAbel, along with the other staff and students.

-being HOME.  We all miss sleeping in our own beds, eating dinner around our family table on the sun porch, walks in the evening around the campus catching up with students, the girls miss their toys and books, the routine, friends popping in, cool open-air showers, and a generally slower pace.  Our family memories and growth has almost all happened in Haiti!  There's just no place like home.

-the work!  I've said it before...we LOVE our jobs!  While speaking and support-raising really has become a joy and privilege for our family, we LOVE teaching, working with students, leading Bible studies, having visitors in our home and around our table, joining students and friends in their churches and homes, etc.  We miss it, and are ready to get back at it!

-the routine.  You know how it is.  You can't WAIT for your kids to get out of school for summer vacation, but by now?  Way too many late nights and too many sweets (we've ALL gained our five pounds a piece) and traveling and crazy days...you're ready for a routine again!  So are we...life is WAY slower paced in Haiti, and while we were SO ready for a change in pace, we are SO ready again to get back to a more consistent and reliable daily life!

-the culture.  The more laid-back, relational culture in Haiti is one we miss!  Lots of spontaneous relationship-building, tons of life-invasiveneess, lots of chances to pour Him out openly, boldly and freely...bring it!

-uh, and yeah, we admit it.  We miss the beach.  No DQ, no zoos, no libraries, science museums, amusement parks, playgrounds, Targets, fairs, etc.  But we have an amazing beach :)

What We DON'T Miss
-the roads.
-the spiders.
-the rats.
-the dust.

-difficulty in finding and buying anything/everything, from groceries to school/office supplies to truck/house parts

-sweating, sweating, sweating.

-stuff breaking and being SO hard to fix.

-having very little to no alone time/down time.

-having to cook EVERYTHING from scratch ALL the time.  Pizza crust, bread for PB&J, rolls, English muffins, pretzels, ice cream, even MILK has to be made from powder or pasteurized!

-always feeling like there are 1000 things that need done/people who need seen/needs that need met.  They are His.  But we still are aware of and feel the burdens every moment.

-three words: organs for breakfast.   really not...not missing that.

What We Will Miss
-of course, number one, hands down, the people.  Just looking back at the many dear family we have been able to spend precious time with this summer already makes our hearts hurt.   Just to name a few...

-ICE CREAM

-the dear dear dishwasher.  I haven't had a dishwasher in my life since 2001 when I left for college.  And oh, with guests most days of the week, piles of dishes from making everything from scratch, and a general hatred of dishwashing, I MISS a dishwasher every day.

-the dryer.  Absolutely not tied with the dishwasher, but still gets all the piles of laundry folded and done SO much faster!  You don't even know how many tiny socks you have until you have to hang out every single one...and during the rainy season?  Forget about it.  You're wearing dirty or wet clothes and everything else is hanging all around the ouse!

-the ease.  It's not that there is less heart-ache or less struggle in America.  But, man...getting home late and being able to call for pizza?  WOW.  Or drive through McDonalds... Having a bad tooth and being able to go to the dentist... A sick kid and head into the doctor... An email you need to send and internet access EVERYWHERE... Ran out of milk and you can stop at the gas station... Fussy kids and a playground to take them to! 

What We Won't Miss...

-all the traveling!  Our American life includes WAY too much time in the car...

-all the pressure for more.  When we are in Haiti, we're not thinking about "stuff".  And when we do, most often it's because we feel like we have too much.  We use as little as we can, re-use all that we can, and give away as much as we can.  I'm not even sure what all it is, but between all of the places to shop, entertainment revolved around buying, ads and commercials, it's so easy to feel like we should have or should want more-- not more of Him, but more of earthly stuff.  I HATE that.  The temptation to feel like I need anything other than Him is far less in a less-materialistic culture.

-I thought Sofie would miss taking baths in real bathtubs...but, turns out, she really likes taking baths in buckets :)  Win-Win!