in His hands

It only took TWO seconds.  And she was gone.

Lily had finished eating her lunch before us, and was playing with the leaves of a bush right behind me while we ate.  A few seconds later, I said to Matt, "Can you see her?"

"No, but she was JUST right there," he said, and went back to eating while I jumped up to herd her back.

She wasn't by the bushes.  She wasn't in the yard.

"MAATTTT!"  He came to help me, and what was a quick grab quickly turned into a complete nightmare.  I started running down to the water, didn't see her.  through the patio restaurant, around the yard.  Lily was gone.

Almost immediately a French family previously mis-stereotyped as snooty jumped up and started running in other directions, calling for Lily.  The staff jumped into action, running into the kitchen and other doorways near our table, and we continued to search further and further from the bushes.

Several of the staff got on their cell phones, and vocalized the pounding fear in my stomach, "KIDNAPPED.  Little foreign girl.  Yellow hair.  About 2."

"KIDNAPPED." I hear another tell who-knows-who on the other end.  Several recent kidnappings were on everyone's mind.

"KIDNAPPED." The guys at the front gate, contacts in the community, local leaders were all being contacted.

It had been several minutes now, and while Matt's heart was telling him, "She is fine.  You just have to find her" my heart was telling me "kidnapped.  drowned.  hit by a car.  gone" all at the same time.

"Oh God!" I cried out, clutching my chest and just terrified like I have never been in my life.  "HELP me."

She was nowhere, and out of desperation, we left the beach/eating area and started raiding the hotel area.  I ran into the first building and charged up the stairs, only to turn onto the second story and see Lily, standing on the landing of the third story, staring at me.  Staring at me, like, "Well, it's about time.  Where have you been?"

Gosh, I'm crying again just telling you about it.

I hate that I fled from my trust in the Lord so quickly.

I know lots of people have this story.  My own mom used to tell us about the day she lost my big brother at the mall, and about how terrified she was.  She finally ran to the department store security in tears, chocking out a description of my curly haired chunky brother, only to have the police question if the missing child looked exactly like the little boy she had hanging on her hip.

Like my brother, Lily was never not fine.  She was fine.  Not so much as an additional mosquito bite.  She darted into the hotel.  She shimmied up the stairs.  She was trying to find out where they went.

What was a five minute adventure for Lily literally cut me to the quick.  I've never experienced anything like it.  One moment, things were good.  Three minutes later, I felt that my life was over.  Gone.  Kidnapped.  And two minutes after that, by His grace and under His care, He restored it.

Lily quickly forgot the moment.  I feel like I never will.  The whole rest of the otherwise BEAUTIFUL 24 hours at the beach, I clutched her to my side.  Even when she was with Matt, if they were gone for more than five or six minutes, I went to find them.  I fought to sleep last night, constantly playing over all of the "could have's" and "what if's" in my mind, ending always with the unanswerable, "What would we do without Lily?"

I remember once, a few years ago, when curious 3 year-old Gideon drank a cup of Kool-Aid colored Anti-Freeze.  I hardly knew his mom Cammie at all back then, but I remember talking to her about the scare the next day.  As a nurse, she was more aware than anyone the very potential outcome of the situation, but she said to me, "You know?  I never didn't have that peace.  I took action, I did what I could.  And I don't mean that I had peace that he was going to be ok.  I just TRULY knew that even if the Lord took Gideon, that it would be ok somehow, because of Him in my life."

Only just pregnant at the time, I didn't know what to say to that.  Remembering it now, I still don't know what to say to that.  I wish that the staff and families at the beach yesterday had seen a very urgent, but fully relied upon the Lord mother yesterday.  I wish that I had found it easier to TRUST Him with her NOT just when she was also conveniently happy, healthy in MY arms.  I wish I wasn't STILL catching myself overcome with panic of what could have happened.

While I thought I was dying on the beach, His eye was on her each fleeing step, He heard each little grunt up each stair, watched her little pony tail droop over her forehead while she waited for me to find her.

As dear as this precious gift He has given me is, I forgot quickly yesterday that she is just that: HIS.  His gift to me, as mine to give back to Him.  I know that ANY mother would have been shaken by the same situation.  But I have to keep remembering that Lily is HIS, not mine.  His child, not my LIFE.  His gift, not my god.

If she is truly His, and not mine, then He is the one ultimately taking care of her.  I'm going to mess up.  I'm going to look away for a moment, speak out of anger one time, make a poor decision.  BUT HE'S NOT.  Not ever.  Not ever going to mess up with Lily.  Not ever going to look away.  So do I trust Him with His own creation?  Or not?

Aside from that awful five minutes, those 24 beach hours were a complete blessing, full of good food, great family time, good rest, good weather, good conversation, good time with the Lord and happy happy memories.  After a busy start to the school year and Matt's days in Port, it was fantastic to have a few hours away from internet, phones, laundry, dishes and to-do lists and just focus on the Lord and the family He has given us in each other!

Thank you for your ever-prayers for protection, strength and wisdom.  Thank you for your prayers for dear Lil. Please continue to pray that we would grow in our relationships with Him to be ALL that He desires them to be.