a miracle worth it's wait

Jil's oldest son and middle daughter, standing in front of their home.

For what seems like the 100th time this year, I'm sitting here at my desk glowing...with joy and with sweat...downright delighted to share with you the miraculous movement of His hand.

In March, I first told you about Jil, beginning with these words: Sometimes it is just too much. Today was one of those times.

Since that distressing day, we've received countless beautiful emails and phone calls from many of you, echoing our same overwhelmed sentiment: "WE MUST HELP." We spoke to several of you about starting a housing project, about building a house for Jil, about your churches coming and building a home for them, about beds, school, food, health care, and brainstorming dozens of ways to help.

Last week, we even took Don of "Hulmes Construction" to visit Jil and to help us begin to organize a way to REALLY help. Don immediately understood our increasingly long list of problems...

How do you help Jil's family without causing community jealousy and more problems for Jil?

How do you even get supplies and materials back to where Jil's little house is? There isn't even a water source anywhere near his house!

How do you build a house on land that he is illegally squatting on?

What if the land owner saw the house and took it from them?

What should the house look like?

Who should build it?

What about all the OTHER families living nearby in equally dire situations?

For months we have struggled with not just how to help, but with the whole issue of extreme poverty.

How is it best helped?

What is the real problem?

How can you help without hurting?

How do you involve the community?

Ever since going with Don, we have barely spoken about it, all overwhelmed with the reality of the situation and the feelings of helplessness, trying to trust the Lord to show us how and when.

Last night, Julie, Hannah and Don watched Lily while we went to eat in town for our anniversary. On our way there, we were quite surprised to see small mountains of sand dumped quite sporadically all along the side of the road. "Wow!" Matt said, "Someone must finally be fixing the road!"

But further down, we saw piles and piles of freshly made cement blocks, again, all quite randomly sprawled across a 3 or 4 block area. Hmmmmm....

This morning, Matt headed to a church about 30 minutes from here as the guest speaker of an Evangelism Seminar. On his way there, he stopped to chat with Jil, already drenched in sweat and working aggressively in the road, patching holes as always. When he saw Matt, he was overjoyed, and Matt assumed it was because of the beds and mattresses Abel had dropped off a few days earlier. Not so...

"My friend!" Jil exclaimed, "Mirlove had our baby! She is a little girl!"

"Wonderful! Congratulations!"

"And my friend!" Jil exlaimed, "In 10 days, we will have a new house!"

WHAT?

The mountains of sand. The blocks. Food for the Poor.

Beginning on Monday, Food for the Poor, "serving the poorest of the poor", an organization who has a branch located about 30 minutes from here, is building Jil a new house. And not just Jil. LOTS of new houses.

Apparently, Jil's area has caught their eye over the past few years as a zone especially impoverished. This is how their program works: If you have no cement foundation, and no blocks, no cement in your house, and if you have NO foundation or start of a new house, and if they select your zone, and IF you agree to feed 6 workers 2 meals a day for 10 days...You can move into one of their new houses.

They are all built identically, with a strong foundation and cement block, painted vivid colors, each long house split into two "apartments" and shared by two families. Front doors. Small porches. Solid roofs. One qualified "Food for the Poor" boss comes in for each home, hires laborers from Saccanville, and builds each house. They have bought a patch of land right next to Jil's zone, and everyone in Jil's zone who meets the above requirements will have a new house waiting for them by the end of JUNE.

FOR MONTHS we have fretted, worried, thought, planned, talked, cried and prayed. And it was already taken care of. Not just sufficiently, but WELL. Perfectly.

It is already done. For the price of 10 days of rice and oil, Jil will have a new house. Young men in Saccanville will have work. Young men in Saccanville will get fed. The poorest families in the zone will have dry places to sleep, strong walls to protect them.

AND I DIDN'T DO IT.

Just as the smallest homely sparrow falling from the heavens isn't lost before our infinite Father, neither is Jil. Neither is Jil. Neither is his brand new precoius baby, conceived out of violence and violation and darkness. Neither are his dear children, hungry and dirty and happy.

Neither is Jil. (Neither is YOU).

All along, God was Jil's Father. God had a perfect plan in the works for the perfect time in His perfect way....and swept the miracle in, knocking me humbly to the ground, reminding me of three things:

1- I am NOT the only way God works.

He can choose to use me or He can choose to accomplish His will through someone else. Me, my plans, my money, my talents...all just tiny specks before Him...NONE of which He NEEDS in order to take care of His creation, to bring people to Himself.

2- We must keep working with what God gave us.

God has clearly brought Matt and I to Haiti to help train His children to bring Haiti to Christ. We don't know how to build a birdhouse next to a Lowe's store, much less stake out to construct a new Saccanville. Does this mean that He doesn't sometimes ask us to do things out of our comfort zone, personalities, talents or giftings? Heavens no!

But it does mean that before I pick up a new "rock for my cart" that we have to spend a lot of time making sure that God is indeed calling us to do something totally outside of the ministry He has made us for...trusting that if He's NOT asking US to do it, and yet desires it to be done, that He WILL PROVIDE.

3- WAIT.

Why does the Bible talk so much about "Waiting on the Lord" and then I am always anxious to make stuff happen? Does God not know infinitely more about Jil's situation and Jil's solution than I ever have or ever will? Has He not followed Jil every day of his life? Heard every cry of his heart? Known every need that he has? DO I NOT TRUST HIM?

Again, this is not to say that we should say in the midst of heartbreaking situations, "Well, trust God. Have a nice day!" May it never be!! But this whole time that I have been fretting for Jil, in the SAME WAY that I was hopeless for Pehpay, it never occurred to me that GOD COULD TAKE CARE OF IT. Without me. With awesomeness.

AH, I have a ways to go, don't I? I feel so incredibly small in light of His beauty and perfect plan and His abounding grace today. Incredibly and happily small.

Humbled and overjoyed by the reminder that HE is on the throne, orchestrating His will, uninhibited by where we live or poverty or the powers that be, government, the economy, hatred, violence, sin, selfishness, culture, language, land ownership, bank accounts, water shortages, location, and beautifully uninhibited by the best-intentioned-yet-skeptic-in-the-hands-of-an-All-Powerful-God ME.

PRAISE THE LORD.

Still wanna help? Interested in helping the poorest of the poor with some of their pressing physical needs? Check out Food for the Poor.

Pictures of Jil's newest little one and the project coming soon...

beach, jil, community, beauty and heart-ache

What a weekend!

Finally got to watch Julie and Julia (which made me want to blog more) and Matt finally got to see Avatar (which made me wonder how much THAT must have cost :), went to the beach on Saturday, visited Jil's family and several other friends on Friday, went to a church right outside of Sakanville on Sunday, put up screen doors (Lily helping Don as much as she could :), taught Saturday morning in the church, and peeled, pitted, chopped and froze dozens and dozens of mangoes. Sakanville is so overflowing with mangoes that we can't even get all of ours given away!

Saturday was just a gorgeous day to be at the beach...It feels so far away from the realities of life in Haiti, and it was so good to have a day together as a family without email, errands, laundry, cooking, phone calls and seemingly endless things to attend to.

"You just traumatized me for life," Don said on our walk home from Jil's on Friday. It didn't seem possible, but all of the rains recently have made Jil's little mud house significantly worse. His wife is waiting to have her baby any day now, and was laying on her little cot in the dark hut right where we left her weeks ago. Her earnest joy is just beautiful, and we had a good visit, talking about the coming days and how the kids did in school. They are out now for the summer.

I brought them a bag of mangoes, thinking it would bless them, but this morning she sent me a pineapple, anxious to return the gift. How heart-wrenching, to receive a gift from a family that I can't stop thinking about their poverty. Matt and I spoke about having the family over for supper one evening, but the painful truth is this...

I couldn't stand for them to see where I live. It would crush me to watch them sit on our couch, see our toilet, see our running water, run their hands over the solid walls. I couldn't stand it.

I can't hardly stand to see it myself after spending 30 minutes perched on Mirlove's rickety "bed", piled with plastic bags and cardboard for cushioning, wide-eyed children grinning all around, no food or even clean water in site, eyes adjusting to the the darkness, my gag reflex adjusting to the smells, my mind fighting to understand why Lily sleeps in a clean crib with a fan overhead...why I was born into a middle-class family in Ohio and Mirlove was born into a mud shanty in the poorest home of one of the poorest villages in one of the poorest countries in the world.

Going to Jil's breaks your heart. Coming home from Jil's breaks your heart. One small horrific reality in a world full of them...I'm SO grateful that this world is not all that there is...and that He dwells in the midst of His people, whatever their "midst" looks like.

This week the small cots and mattresses several of you have helped pay for will be delivered to Jil's home...It may not be a big thing, but his children sleeping out of the mud and sewage will make such an unbelievable difference.

Sunday we walked about 20 minutes to the very edge of Sakanville to attend Maxi's church. The overwhelming June heat made us happy to see an open-air church, and we celebrated the Lord's mighty hand for several hours with brothers and sisters known and unknown. During the opening prayer, the pastor asked Matt if he would please preach, giving him a good hour to prepare a sermon :)

Several members of the church had just been baptized, so Matt spoke about being full of the Spirit...not just "converting", not just repenting or having remorse or being forgiven, not just being born of water, but about being born of the Spirit. He spoke about what the difference between all those things are, and about what it is to truly have our relationship with God dominate what we do and think and say, not sin....what it truly is to embrace the Spirit of Life that He is offering and allow God to put our Spirit of Death to death.

It was GREAT, but Matt and I were still quite shocked and humbled to see five people, in such a small church, come forward at the end of the service, confessing that while they have said they are "Christians," that they have never really asked Him to dwell in them, to overcome their sin natures, have never asked for the Holy Spirit, have never asked Him to transform them... It was a beautiful moment, to pray with these five brothers and sisters, all in their 20's and 30's, and to seek Sakanville change...yet again.

Lately, it feels like we are just holding on for dear life... There has been SO much change, SO much to do, SO many emotions, SO much transformation, SO many miracles, SO much suffering and joy and the Lord has been SO actively at work in our hearts and family and seminary and community that we just keep praying that we might be faithful and holy and have the courage to remain right in the middle of His plan. Praying the same for you today!

testimony

It was as sweet a moment as I had thought it would be.

Belony and Pehpay walked in a few minutes late, holding hands, and everyone could see that Pehpay had worked hard to look as nice as possible. His pants must have been 3 sizes too big, but a belt bunched and held them up, and they had been carefully pressed, as had his faded shirt.

They walked hand in hand down the aisle, both of them beaming, and all the guys got quiet.

"This is him!" Belony said joyfully, and everyone knew we were standing on holy ground. Not because of anything special about the grinning old man before them, but because of what Christ had done in his life. Pehpay never went to school. "Not a day" he told me, and has spent his entire existence here in the little muddy community of Sakenville.

And yet it was with rapture that this most educated group of brothers and sisters listened, all sitting forward on our pews to catch every word.

"I was all but dead..." Pehpay began, and slowly and boldly shared his story with the pastors, evangelists, missionaries and teachers around him. He showed them how big his stomach was, talked about what dying had been like, talked about living his life in darkness.

"But God met me, and then He healed me, and I will love Him forever, no doubt. I will love Him forever" he swore with a child-like faith, clear eyes, and a huge, almost toothless grin.

"God preserved my life, but you know, I am still going to die one of these days. But because of what Belony told me about Jesus, I will have eternal life now! So, it is all ok. I will love Him forever!" he said again, and then Belony led his "little brother", back down the aisle to a beautiful chorus of applause...not for Pehpay, for he had done nothing. And not for Belony, because his hand had done no miracle, his sacrifice had saved no one from their sins.

No, once again the chapel was filled with beautiful applause of praise, praise for a God who continues to surprise His children by His great love, His great power, and by His great mercy. I'm so thankful we have all of eternity to applaud who He is...with Pehpay.

It is the season of the mango, and the trees are heavy with them. If you pick them, they never ripen, rotting where you place them. But if you wait until they fall, they are perfect...sweet, warm from the sun, dripping with vitamins and nutrients. Matt would say, "That could preach."

These days they are falling by the dozens, much to the delight of everyone, blessed for once with truly free food. All the kiddos (and several of the students :) have orange around their mouths continually, and Lily is quiet happy to join them.

The revival services have been going really well, with two or three people committing or re-committing their lives to Christ each evening. Matt's played bass and few evenings, and Lily and I go until she can't keep her eyes open. Sunday evening there is a large final service. Please pray that the Lord will continue to move...

life as it happens...

As I finished our last post, I thought, I sure hope I'm not the only "AMEN!" here, or I think that I should just quit blogging.

All your "Whoo-hoo!" comments have quite confirmed that I am not alone in my excitement for who He is, how He works, and what He's doing! Thank you :)

Nothing fluid tonight, just a bunch of random things on our hearts, minds and schedules...

Tomorrow, Pehypay is speaking in chapel! Belony had asked him to come and share his testimony as soon as he was able, and after making it to church on Sunday, he can absolutely make it to Emmaus. I can't wait to hear his story from his perspective, and to share in this with the students and staff...I'll have pictures and an update for you this week!

The revival has been going well, and tomorrow night and Friday night Matt is playing bass for the worship portions. Belony will be preaching tomorrow night, and I've invited several people throughout the community that have been open to the Gospel, but "not ready." Please keep praying for these services! I'll have photos of this by Friday, too (It is NOT easy to get pictures in these situations...Many people do NOT want their pictures taken, and I don't like taking pictures often in church).

If you're looking for music for your devotional life, I just downloaded Kari Jobe's CD, entitled "Kari Jobe" a few days ago (took 3.5 days to download, but still) and MAN, it is fantastic. She strikes the perfect balance between personal worship and reverent worship...just REALLY good stuff that has been making my Bible study and prayer time extra intimate and focused. If you're looking for something like that, check it out.

Matt's Romans course is officially half-way through, and today's class went really well. He's been using a Key Note (MAC version of PowerPoint) presentation, but was getting really frustrated that the students were SO intent on copying down every word, that no one was focusing on the thinking and inductive part. But today, all four projectors unexpectedly lost power and were unable to be fixed, and without the presentation, Matt had the best class yet....might be on to something here...

Also, we are overjoyed to announce that our dear friend Don is getting packed and ready to come on Sunday, staying with us this time for a month to work on the second-story of the men's dorm (which is FAR from being finished) helping with a few things around the seminary, and helping to work on Lucner's house. He is always SUCH a positive and Godly example and influence for us both, and we are so excited he's coming and giving of his time and money and family and skills, yet AGAIN, to pour out Christ in ways that only he can. (Plus, Matt loves that he gets 2 man-movies in a row when Don is here for every chick flick versus his normal 'every other.')

Thank you for all of your continued prayers. Normally, graduation would be this week, but due to the Earthquake, we still have 5 more weeks of classes...the difficult year is working on everyone, and we're grateful for your prayers for the energy and perseverance of the staff and students!

Pictures and testimonies on Friday...

this is BIG

Today was a BIG day. It didn't start big. We planned to go to church right across the street. Matt didn't have to preach. We didn't have any visitors to translate for. A few friends were coming for lunch. "Bless us with your sweet presence" I had prayed this morning, wanting nothing else.

By His grace, He gave us that, and much more.

As we walked up to the church, I saw Frandia standing outside. She was the "first" convert I have spoken of frequently, and for weeks as Belony and I have opened the Word to her, we've talked to her about going to church. We've spoken to her about the importance, especially as one who lives entirely in a non-Christian household, about spending time worshiping the Lord with other believers. But each week, she has had a reason why church wasn't for her.

But this morning she was outside, scraping mud off her shoes, and though she looked quite uncomfortable and was wearing a rather failed-attempt at appropriate church clothing, she was THERE, and she and I both broke into a big grin at the sight of each other.

"Lord, this is big!" I prayed silently as we walked in together.

After some opening announcements, Abel stood to introduce any visitors, but said that this week there were two new Christians to introduce. "Joseph" Abel nodded, and a few pews over Joseph stood, a previous gate guard for EBS. A man who had spent his life in a Catholic / Voodoo mix of religion, this past Tuesday he came and found pastor Janiel, saying, "Today is the day. I want to be a Christian. Tell me how."

It was all I could do to keep from clapping my hands in joy, when Abel introduced the second, who sat right in front of us. We could tell he was young, but then he turned around, and we recognized him immediately. Remember the day when several young men from Sakanville stood outside the gate, behaving quite badly? And Matt prayed that one of these Saul's would one day be a Paul?

Kenson was in front of them, throwing rocks and spouting off mouthy responses to each word of peace Matt spoke. "With so much energy and passion and intelligence, Stacey, these men could do BRILLIANCE unto the Lord. We have to keep praying," Matt had told me.

This morning, in front of all of his peers and neighbors, Kenson stood. "I am a Christian now," he said strong and slow. THIS IS BIG.

We were floored. Making an announcement like that here is not the same as it might be in the States. He won't drive 30 minutes home and not see any of these people until next Sunday. They will see his every moment, hear his every speech, watch his every move. He pronounced to Sakanville this morning that he has died, and been born again a new person, and 100 people will be holding him accountable.

Beside him sat three other young men, all in jeans and t-shirts. This completely unacceptable dress for church in Haiti was entirely ignored by the whole church, who welcomed these men the same as everyone else, and I breathed another silent prayer..."LORD, THANK YOU." They were friends of Kenson's, that he had brought with him.

"Don't you want to become Christians today?" Abel asked them. "Not yet," they each said, but Matt whispered hope next to me. "If this is real, Kenson will bring them to the Lord." (After the service, Matt and Kenson had a long talk, and Matt quickly saw that all of the attitude, hatred and bitterness formerly possessing Kenson have been entirely replaced with a quiet joy.)

Pastor Janiel announced that every night this week there will be services, calling this week a "Week of Revival"...please be praying for these, starting tonight through next Sunday, from 5-7 pm. Pictures to come.

Overwhelmed by the miracles around me, the service began, but it wasn't until the end that that they brought me to tears. Right at the very end of the two hour service, and old man stood from the old-man-row, and picked up a stick and headed out the door.

It was Pehpay.

He met my eye and grinned, holding our hands for a moment in joy before heading home.

Pehpay should be dead. DO YOU HEAR ME? I was THERE. I held his dying hand. Pehpay lived his whole life in darkness. Pehpay should be at the beginning of an eternity of death, darkness and HELL. Pehpay should be dead.

Instead, Pehpay has been given NEW life in every way imaginable. He walked 6 blocks, by himself, to church this morning. He is just at the beginning of an eternity of glory, of love, and of sweet communion with his new found Father. Pehpay is ALIVE.

IT IS A MIRACLE, friends. Miracles, all of it. I saw 5 miracles this morning, family, with my own eyes. I was THERE. Family, I'll never have anything more sweet to share with you than this. I was THERE today, and so were YOU.

Dan and Gill, Gord and Doreen, all that you did down here to build the Seminary and His kingdom, you played a part in the bigness of today. Sam and Cammie, all the hours you spent pouring Jesus into these brothers and sisters, Christ in you did BIG things today. Have you prayed for Sakenville? Given 1$ to build a seminary in its midst? Come on a team? Prayed for Haiti? Prayed for us? YOU were there today. Christ in you, the hope of glory for Sakanville.

In this little block church in a little quiet community on a little distant island, God's doing the same thing He did for me. Called me to Him, took on my sins, and exchanged my spirit of death for a beautiful spirit of LIFE. As steadily as He's changing me, He's changing Sakanville, and doing what He does best....the impossible.

Glwa a Dye...Glory to God

the miracle of Pehpay

A week or two ago, I wrote about the first two converts in Sakanville that Emmaus Biblical Seminary has seen. One of them was an older gentleman on his death bed...

Pehpay and Belony, April 28th

His smile stretched from ear to ear and his hands were literally shaking with excitement as he lifted the paper for me to see. On it were scrawled two names.

"This man," Belony pointed, "He is sick. He is very very sick. And we talked to him about the Lord, and he said, 'I want that.' And I said, 'Oh, you cannot become a Christian just so that maybe God will heal you! You must become a Christian because you want Jesus to be the Lord of your life!"

"And I explained more to him, " Belony continued, "And he began to cry and cry, and I said to him, 'Are you crying because you do not want to die?', and the man said, 'No, I do not care if I die. I am sad because I have wasted my life without Him. I am sad that I waited until now. I am sad that I might only serve Him but a few days.'"

Then, last week, I shared about our visit to him, and how burdened and thoughtful I felt in regards to healing and the hopelessness of his situation...

Just this past week...my heart is busy pondering it all. Belony, Charitable and I visited a man Wednesday that was one of the the two first converts on Tuesday. They had told me his was sick, but...he is SICK. We trudged through mud and open sewage to arrive at his "house." A shriveled ancient-looking woman with kind eyes introduced herself as Marie-Claire, his sister, over a steaming pot of mush. She led us inside a hut built from woven palms once covered in hard mud, now crumbled and patchy.

A Haitian hernia operation gone bad had left Pehpay bedridden. The hut wreaked of urine as we huddled around him, and I fought back tears as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. He had once been clearly a tall, very able man, with huge feet, huge hands, a broad jaw and broad shoulders. Today, his stomach was hugely bloated, his biceps and forearms so shrunken that his elbows were by far the largest part of his arms. He wheezed as he shared his story, and tears followed deep paths in his face as he reconfirmed his new salvation.

"Do you believe completely that He is your Lord?" Yes. "Do you believe completely that He can heal you?" Yes. "Do you want to be healed?" Yes. And then we prayed for him for a long time, and as I held his hand and prayed, my mind and heart were just swimming with Bible stories of healing, testimonies of healing, all my life's questions of healing and what it looks like and how it works and when it comes and how...

I kissed his weathered cheek and we headed back to the campus, now silent. We could hear his haggard coughing persist as we walked on.

Well, yesterday was Matt's turn to go out with the students while I stayed home with Lily. On their way home from a Bible study down the road, they popped in to visit this gentleman, known around the community as Pehpay. Around the time they should return, Belony came running across the yard to our house (Matt had a meeting at 3), just bounding and grinning. I knew something exciting had happened, but hadn't thought it would have anything to do with Pehpay.

"Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord!" Belo rejoiced, waving his hands in the air and twitching from excitement. "Pehpay, who could not speak the first week, and who could not sit up the next week, whom we all but lifted to a sitting position, got out of bed and stood up, BY himself, today!"

I hate to tell you that I didn't even believe him, thinking we must be talking about a different person. "The old guy with the hernia operation, that is dying? Marie-Claire's brother? The guy we prayed for that couldn't breathe and couldn't sit up?"

"YES!" Belony all but shouted. "PEHPAY! We went to pray for him on our way home, and when we came in, he was saying, "Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord!" and I said, 'Yes, let's praise the Lord that He has saved you!' and Pehpay said, 'Yes, because He has saved me, but look, He is healing me!'"

Then Pehpay sat up, on his own (which I swear to you, would absolutely not have been possible just a week ago...it took all three of us ALL our might to make him sit up), threw his legs over the bed, and stood, all on his own, and began praising the Lord again!

Even hearing it and knowing it to be true if Belony says it is true, it is very hard for me to believe. Matt's got Lily this afternoon so I can go and see him. That day I blogged about healing, I was feeling so broken and despairing over Pehpay and sickness in general...and just a week or so later, I have the joyful and humbling gift of telling you of a man, newly our brother, who now is standing, for the first time in over six months...

Can't wait to see him, to tell you more, and to share his God, my God, the God that truly sees, with more of His creation this afternoon!

ponderings of my busy heart...

The Lord seems to be working me through a particularly thoughtful time. There is so much around me all the time...almost too much to process, and so much to be thinking through. My thinkings always leave me short: short of understanding, short of answers, short of what to do, short of follow through. I'm asking for His thinkings, that He might guide my peace, my understandings, my take-away.

Just this past week...my heart is busy pondering it all. Belony, Charitable and I visited a man Wednesday that was one of the the two first converts on Tuesday. They had told me his was sick, but...he is SICK. We trudged through mud and open sewage to arrive at his "house." A shriveled ancient-looking woman with kind eyes introduced herself as Marie-Claire, his sister, over a steaming pot of mush. She led us inside a hut built from woven palms once covered in hard mud, now crumbled and patchy.

A Haitian hernia operation gone bad had left Pehpay bedridden. The hut wreaked of urine as we huddled around him, and I fought back tears as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. He had once been clearly a tall, very able man, with huge feet, huge hands, a broad jaw and broad shoulders. Today, his stomach was hugely bloated, his biceps and forearms so shrunken that his elbows were by far the largest part of his arms. He wheezed as he shared his story, and tears followed deep paths in his face as he reconfirmed his new salvation.

"Do you believe completely that He is your Lord?" Yes. "Do you believe completely that He can heal you?" Yes. "Do you want to be healed?" Yes. And then we prayed for him for a long time, and as I held his hand and prayed, my mind and heart were just swimming with Bible stories of healing, testimonies of healing, all my life's questions of healing and what it looks like and how it works and when it comes and how...

I kissed his weathered cheek and we headed back to the campus, now silent. We could hear his haggard coughing persist as we walked on.

The same night I kiss Lily's freshly washed chubby cheek, inhaling the beautiful scent of rarely-clean baby, heart wrung as she says "Bye-Bye, Mommy" and flips onto her belly for a good nights sleep. She is beautiful and precious and good and sweet and sassy, personality becoming more and more like my sisters, and the love He has given me for her is indescribable. I feel like the most blessed creature He ever made, kissing her, knowing the ridiculous love I have for her is just a shadow of the ridiculous love HE has for her, for ME. So much to think about...

A few days later Matt leaves, and I remember all over again why and how I love him and what a beautiful gift God's given me in Matt. I never take him for granted when he is a thousand miles away, and frequently do when he is in the room. One of the seminary cooks wept through breakfast this morning for the hundredth morning because of her unsaved husband, who has other women, other priorities, spends her hard earned money on alcohol while their children have no money for school, ridicules her faith...and my hearts breaks for her and I marvel that the Lord has given me a husband so after His own heart, so anxious to bless His name and to be a blessing to mine.

Monday a dear friend and pastor comes to teach a course at Emmaus. He and his wife's sheer presence is an encouragement, and their passion to pour into the men and and women here is a beautiful gift. But the last time we were with him, it was days after his dear wife of some 30 years passed away, and talking after Lily sleeps about the difficulty of the past 12 months strangely renews the loss of my own mother...who never met Matt, or Haiti, or Lily, and yet whose irreplaceable friendship and unconditional love and unchanging character I intimately miss.

And just now, our brother Belony left our office, anxious to share with me a third conversion that took place yesterday, the daughter of a witchdoctor, living still in his house. Six young women were with her, all six with at least one baby, all six much too young to be married, to be mothers. He spoke to them all about the Lord, and the witchdoctor's daughter almost immediately accepted, "as if she had just been waiting and waiting each day for someone to bring her the truth."

"But the others," he told me, "Had tried to get their babies dedicated in the church past the bridge, but the pastor would not even allow them to come in, because of their great sins. So, they didn't want to hear anything about that pastor's God, and so I just spoke with the one, and prayed that they would hear, and that the Lord would touch their hearts."

"Stacey," Belo continued, "Didn't Jesus come for the sick? How will this area, that is dark in EVERY sense of the word, and living SO far from the truth...how will this area come to Christ if His follower's push the sinner away and only make place for the righteous? Didn't Christ come for the sick?"

And my heart breaks for the girls I didn't know existed until now, and their dozen children, for the church that doesn't want them, the god they worship that doesn't love them, the God that loves them that they don't want, the man that brought them Jesus but was rejected, for the hours I spend worrying about and doing things that have no significance in the kingdom, for the complacent place I often find myself, content with the little of Him that I have, content to keep my light under a basket...

No answers today, just thoughts!

But unlike "a lonely bird on a housetop," from Psalm 102, I still find myself today, though "wretched man that I am", "the bird that has found a house, the swallow that has found a nest for herself" in Psalm 84 as one who dwells... not in Haiti, not in the past or in the present or future, in the questions or in the answers, in my spouse or child or job, in one culture or another...but as one who dwells in His house, and as such, praising Him.

For a day in your courts...better than a thousand elsewhere.