midnight confessions

Midnight confession (which really could be an alternate name for this blog) : I've been being dumb.

As I sat across from Erin and Brad last night on their porch, eating dessert and talking and laughing while our kiddos were wreaking joyful havoc in their basement playroom...as I sat on the porch tonight surrounded by all our precious Sunderland friends, Aunt Sharon and Uncle Martin, the kids chasing fireflies...I realized I've been wholly believing a lie that's been filling me with doubt and sadness and fear.

Spending ages 22-36 in Haiti, the vast majority of our family friends are because of Haiti. They either lived in Haiti. Came to Haiti. Are Haitian. Taught in Haiti. Stayed with us in Haiti. Visited us because we were in Haiti. Supported us in Haiti. Hosted us as missionaries, had us speak in their churches because of being missionaries in Haiti. Prayed for us, because of Haiti.  

Almost 90% of the dear people in our lives who have become family, we can trace all the way back to Haiti. 

You probably started reading this blog too because, well, we lived in Haiti. 

And somewhere in my subconscious sector, I have been afraid that just as we gained so many dear friends through the roads of Haiti, that traveling the roads of Haiti much less frequently might mean that our dear friends might not be anymore. 

Maybe our Haitian friends would be lost. Maybe our because-of-Haiti friends would no longer be interested in our family.  Maybe all the people we have come to love so much these past years would stop loving us. The thought has been too painful to even really acknowledge. 

As we've chatted around tables and watermelon and ice tea this week in a state we'd never been in before Haiti, with 100% of people we'd never know outside of Her, I have realized this fear that had been crouching behind me.  I have found myself thinking again and again--laughing with the Voos Crew and singing for Ben with Jane and Robert and catching up the the Schmids and boating with Mr. and Mrs. Oval-Head and staying up way too late with Aunt Sharon--These friends are still our friends. 

They would probably have slapped me had I said it with an, "of course we are."  But until this week, it didn't seem dumb.  

What grace. 

What grace to be reminded many months into new life in a state where we knew NO one, that our friends because of Haiti are just our friends.  

What grace to be faced with truth, this week, that our family God provided through Haiti is still our family God provides. 

We are so far from perfect, so far from thriving right now, that it is beautiful and humbling to taste and see these nights that He is good, and has given us good gifts of people...NOT because of Haiti, not because of anything we have done or earned, but because that is what HE does: He. gives. good. gifts. 

And you're (still) one of them.

I'm so thankful.