four little reminders and mangoes

When I headed for the kitchen to make the girls breakfast this morning at 6 am and couldn't make it further than the hallway, I knew I was in trouble.  I finally gave in on my, "I'm gonna beat this really soon" idea and finally wrote to our dear doctor-friend, who literally got me on the right meds in less than 30 minutes from emailing.

What I've been learning this season:

1--> Adventure is good for the soul...maybe not the body.  After being penned up for so many weeks during Haiti's month of crisis in February, we've been so enjoying getting out and adventuring more.  But whatever bug I picked up wherever has been brutal. Today was the second Monday in a row I spent incredibly sick.  I should have contacted our doctor and gotten on meds at least several days ago.  Thank you Sue for being that awesome doctor, thank you to all of the beautiful people who culturally lovingly reached out to me today by coming to visit me (on the floor) to express their concern, thank you Granny for all the weird culturally loving foods you made me today (boiled plantain with garlic, anyone? Flour-lime-coke paste?) and for the sweet girlies who have been so patient with mommy on floor, with all the visitors, and with new foods to eat for me.  

2-->The only thing worse than Sharon leaving is spending your last 24 hours with her in the fetal position.  I get so little time with any family who doesn't live here that when they are here, I want to soak in every minute, and I HATED wasting some of that on sickness, especially at the end.  I DID love listening to the girls rely on her, watching her with Ben, watching she and Matt having fun conversations, and all the precious time we had together that I DID feel good.  

You know what it is about Sharon? She sees what needs done and does it, but more, she sees where love is needed and loves there. She's willing to speak into the places where love...whether nurturing or challenging...is needed, and does so WITH love and with graciousness.  She teaches and models and encourages what is His good, and Matt needs it, I need it, our children each need it.  So. very. thankful. she was here and that even when she isn't, that she is in our lives. 

3-->  I could not do this without Matt. He held (read: wrestled) Ben all through church. He swam with (read: threw the big girls and was bossed every which way by Nora) the girls for hours all afternoon yesterday. When we got home, he made everyone dinner. When I couldn't walk without blacking out this morning, he taught my entire three-hour English 2 class. When I've needed help, he's helped me, and beyond, and graciously.  I'd never WANT to do life without Matt, but I'm renewed in my thankfulness!

4--> God is where we are not, and not short.  This has been a repeated lesson the past few weeks as I have been STRUGGLING with my own shortcomings.  Many of them, I can't control, many of them I can.  But whichever it is, I'm just never, never, ever going to be enough. Never gonna get it all right. Never gonna be all the things I want to be all the places I want to be them to all the people I want to be them too.  Somedays, that reality just kills me.  I am so short. 

Can't be the sister I want to be to my sister AND be the mother and wife I want to be to my children and husband. I can't fix situations I desperately want to fix for friends. I can't change situations I desperately want to change for people.  I can't fix the problems (or maybe even just ONE!) of Haiti, of America, of any place. I can't slap people with the freedom their hearts so badly need, can't carry people's burdens they way they need them carried, can't transform peoples lives the way they need them transformed. 

Heavens, sometimes my helping even hurts! Sometimes my best efforts result in EPIC fail. Sometimes I give it 110% and hope and pray and push and TANK.  

The truth He keeps reminding me of again and again is that He doesn't. All that is needed, and MORE, is Him. And He is ON IT.  All my shortcomings, He is NOT, and then some. He's never blown it, never failed, never slept, never missed it, never been far off.  Just never.  

So wherever you're just not showing up like you want to be today, remember that He is.  And keep. on. praying.

Years ago, in a roasting little tin church built on top of a garbage heap, I heard Matt preach a sermon about the role our prayers play in grace for those we are praying for.  He talked about the millions of mangoes around us, and how as they hang in their trees, large and green, you reach for one, only to find it hard as stone.  But as the tree gives them water, something you can't even see happening, they eventually start to soften.  They look the same, large and green, but one day you poke at one and it's getting soft.  Finally, a day comes that they're so juicy that they fall from the tree, perfect and ready and sweet.

Matt shared about how our prayers often work like that.  They are the means through which hard hearts and stony situations soften and change. As we pray and pray and pray for people and try to be practical Christ-likeness in their lives, we can't do it all...perhaps we can do very little, if anything.  But He can. And we can be faithful to pray, pray for His sweet grace to seep into their lives--something you can't even see from the outside--with the confidence that He is at work, perfectly and without shortcoming.  With our prayers and His work, that which was once impossibly hard can grow soft and sweet...and ready.

Praise the Lord, that which we are not and cannot...He is.