Sometimes, when we've been so sick, and then traveling, and then had so many visitors, and had so much to do at work, we slowly realize that maybe we've been needing Him a little less...little by little found ourselves a bit less hungry for His Word...undrastically find ourselves brought to a place of self-sufficiency.
And then we are bitterly disappointed. Or unjustly wronged. Or faced with some crisis. Or hurt by some relationship.
And the slow fading is brought to an abrupt halt.
We find ourselves begging Him to dig deep within us and pull out something beautiful in response, something joyful, something lasting. And He gently reminds us that there are no such things deep within our own hearts.
Only within HIS.
He doesn't dig deep within ourselves. He reaches down from above and gives graciously of Himself.
Abruptly we remember...we are so badly in need. His word is the only food for our hungry souls. Our self-sufficiency is an empty, meaningless, disappointing, unsatisifying hoax.
It is, then, hard to curse the tragedy. Hard to be angered by the injustice. Hard to scorn the disappointment.
Because it brought you back to the freedom of your knees. Your knees at His feet.
I may or may not be talking about myself :)
Our wonderful surprise, our fantastic revelation has turned out to be nothing but a rather huge disappointment, a lot of hard work unfruitioned. I know it drives some of you nuts that I make up words...I can't help it. There aren't ever enough for me!
In a nutshell, a fabulous group we were sure we didn't deserve had said they would help us do a major EBS funding effort this summer. It was SO exciting. It seemed like the perfect fit. All of the work and networking was coming together. Lots of meetings and visitors and planning and designing and phone calls done and every light green.
It was going to be GREAT, and more, it meant weeks on the road this summer, 32-40 weeks pregnant, traveling and speaking and funding, could be replaced with ONE. REALLY. BIG. FUN. NIGHT.
MOST, I wanted it for our guys. For these called and Godly and passionate men and women that we work with and try to help feed, teach, empower and send. I wanted it to get them all sponsored and partnered and paid for.
After 2 months of yesses and almosts, we were ready to MOVE. Ready to print. Ready to Facebook.
Funny. The Lord I've been so busy to sip instead of so hungry to drink deeply of knew. All along. Knew it wasn't going to work out. Knew that out of nowhere would come yesterday a rather hard-to-understand and way-too-late in the game sorry.
So for about 20 minutes, I was really angry with myself for thinking it was going to work out. For planning on it. Really disappointed. Really frustrated, really hopeless about funding, really bitter about all the work lost.
Yep. That's what welled up. My deep deep was hurt and frustrated and bewildered and without a plan. And digging deep to find something good and positive didn't even feel like an option. Nothing good, nothing positive. No Susie Sunshine. No plan. I got nothing.
It rather quickly occurred to me that since I had NOTHING good to say, I would say nothing at all.
But.
But maybe He did. Maybe He had something good to say.
And as always, it was no solution. It was no big funding idea, no famous speaker or pop-star, no transformation of the "problem."
Unless the real problem was actually my perspective. My heart. My deep.
I neglected my kids for 20 minutes and sought Him. First, through Oswald Chambers for February 27th:
Suppose that you have a "well" of hurt and trouble inside your heart,
and Jesus comes and says to you, "Let not your heart be troubled." (John 14:1).
Would your response be to shrug your shoulders and say,
"But Lord, the well is too deep.
Even You can't draw up quietness and comfort out of it."
Actually, that is correct. Jesus doesn't bring anything up from the wells of human nature. He brings them down from above. The impoverishment is in US, not in Him.
The reason some of us are such poor examples of Christianity is that we have failed to recognize that Christ is almighty. We struggle to reach the bottom of our own well, trying to get water for ourselves. Beware of sitting back and saying, "It can't be done."
The well of your incompleteness runs deep. Make the effort to look away from yourself and to look to Him.
And then my next reading in Hebrews. The Unshaken Kingdom. (seriously. That was my next chapter title.)
You have not come to a mountain that can be touched,
to darkness and gloom and whirlwind and noise...
But you have come to Mount Zion
to the city of the Living God
to heavenly Jerusalem
to myriads of angels
to the church enrolled in heaven
to God, the Judge of all,
to the spirits of the righteous made perfect
and to Jesus.
To Jesus, the mediator of the new covenant.
You have come to the sprinkled blood.
Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken,
let us show gratitude,
let us offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe;
for our God is a consuming fire.
My attitude, rapidly, feels so shallow and vain. My frustration, suddenly, so petty.
The mountain before me, SO TOUCHABLE.
The world's mountain. Mountains of worry, mountains of to-do, mountains of expectations, mountains of hard work, mountains of me. And that is NOT the mountain I want.
E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, in light of who He is, looks so frail.
He is unshakeable. His kingdom, home of the Living God, with angels and the righteous and Jesus' precious blood.
Suddenly?
Pretty sure everything is going to be ok.
Mano's death? His presence.
Our struggles? His potential.
Our needs? His almighty.
I'm not spending another moment at the bottom of the well, trying to get water for myself. The well of my incompleteness, of dashed plans, of funding needs, of work to do...it runs deep.
So does He. And He can't be shaken. Isn't touched by them. When we're in Him, deep, we can't be either.
Your mountains of overwhelm or hurt or disappointment or uncertainty today might not look the same as ours.
But Our Unshakeable Mountain does. And the moment we make it all about Who He Is, instead, we are nothing but grateful. Reverent. In awe. Consumed.
Praise the Lord.
Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken,
let us show gratitude,
let us offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe;
for our God is a consuming fire.
This is so beautifully written and so touching. Thank you, Stacey!
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