the ayars affairs: forever cross cultural

I’m not sure why leaving Haiti has felt so hard this time.

Maybe because Gertha’s mother-in-law passed away suddenly, leaving no time for a long lunch and settled good-bye. And she is sad…and I am gone.

Maybe because—no matter how hard I try to plan and do ahead—so many little things came up in the last days to do and attend to. Moise brought us his broken laptop at dinner-time last night, some QuickBook issues had Cheyenne and I in the office most of the day resolving, ten people popped in throughout our last day needing help “before you go.”

Maybe because, I admit, this summer looks so emotionally daunting…tomorrow, the anniversary of my mother’s death, Friday, my father’s wedding…next month, my baby sister has her first baby, July, Matt’s parents move from their whole lives in Jersey to Florida.

Maybe because we are leaving a team we joyfully spend hours with every day and know we will terribly miss. Yes, we all head out and work all day and often into the night, but late afternoons find us sharing sugar or watching the kids play together, dinners often catch us diving into each other’s leftovers and days, evenings almost always include Pictionary or a movie or a “meeting” turned hang-out. We truly have a community where heartbreak heads next door, joys are immediately shared and celebrated, bewildered husbands send over their wives, a quick run up to the office easily finds someone to watch over little ones.

Maybe because board meetings and graduation and alumni day and finals and the end of the year were all so BUSY that I am still feeling very in need of sweet rest. I feel hungry for time at His feet in my happy spot with my favorite mug without worrying if the girls are bothering whoever is graciously keeping us at the time.

Maybe because there is so much missionfield. Junior and several students are preparing to climb the mountain of Baron for a month, to live with families there and help bring them clean drinking water and Living Water. I want to, too. Our team is preparing for a group of 18 to come in a few weeks to work with kids and youth…and I want to do that, too. Enick asked Matt to preach on the mountain next month, and I want him to.

Maybe because America can’t help but feel a little overwhelming. I never feel very GOOD at doing America anymore. I don’t understand the culture easily as I once did…I struggle with feeling isolated and awkward and frumpy. I try to kiss people too much, and I don’t know why everyone doesn’t greet you and shake your hand everywhere you go, and I still don’t know how to use an iPhone, much less how to live in a world where everyone else does. Things are so different in Haiti…and yet each year they feel less so, and the more different things feel in America.

Maybe because I’m not ready for Matt to be gone for his annual month of Doctoral study. Not ready for Sofie to be turning THREE. Not ready to be living out of a suitcase for 8 weeks.

Still, I’m not sure exactly why leaving Haiti has felt so difficult this time. But it does.

I’m counting thankfuls.

I am so thankful Sharon flew out with us and came to spend these last insane days with us. I am so thankful to know that my father will be at the airport tonight, at least an hour early and ready to love us, as he always is. I am so thankful that Lisa HASN’T had her baby yet and that, Lord willing, I will finally be able to BE there for her. I am so thankful that I get to BE exactly where I want to be while our families go through such massive life changes these next few weeks. I’m so thankful we get to meet and reconnect with so many of the people that MAKE all of this life-ministry possible by their prayers and help and love. I’m so thankful for all of the opportunities we have this summer to share what He’s doing through Emmaus.

I am so thankful for all the reasons why continual cross-cultural living, no matter WHERE we are, is always a little hard and sad—because it testifies to how many He has given us to love, and to be loved.

I am so thankful that life is constantly reminding us that we are not of this WORLD-culture…and that our only constant is Him.