it's me (hiding the oreos).

Being sick, for me, is very reflective.

Basically, it is the only time I ever slow down.  At all.  I don’t even usually slow down in my sleep, but instead pass out upon hitting the pillow and start running (with a groan…PLEASE don’t even talk to me in the morning) the moment my feet hit the floor.

So to have the goal of yesterday and today with a stuffy, spinning head, fever, achy body and sneezing fits be “JUST MAKE IT”… I had to do it.  Had to ask Matt to come home a bit early.  Had to teach from the chair.  Send the kids to the neighbors for an hour.  Make pancakes and eggs for supper.  Walk past piles of laundry. 

Is that good for our house, family, work or diet?  Probably not.  But for 2 days, it’ll do.

And in that “it’ll do” mindset versus my typical “what would Wonder Woman do?” mindset, He’s actually had a few moments to say a few things.

While I had a rather long list of concerns and frustrations for Him to graciously attend to during this irritating and cruddy time, once again, God’s mostly been just interested in prodding at ME.

I know it was Ghandi--not God--who said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”, but since God Himself has seemed to follow this guideline, it’s good enough for me.  When it comes down to it, the last few days have reminded me more of the log than the specks I often dwell on.

When God introduced Himself to Israel, it was as a God ENTIRELY different.  He put a million things in place right from the getgo to show them just that.  He wasn’t like the other gods.  He wasn’t like them.  He was, and is, entirely different.  Entirely set apart.  Entirely holy.  Entirely love.

Doesn’t think like we think.  Doesn’t look like we look.  Doesn't dwell or feel or act like we act.  And from the start, He’s been asking His people to do the same.  To look, to be, to act, to live, even to think entirely different.  As He is.

As the globe has spun from the days of Noah to the days of today, it has been a repetitive story of death, revenge, war, hatred, jealously, pride, evil, horror and heartbreak--a continuing and evolving spin on sin and self.

He is altogether different, wanting things altogether different, and sent His altogether different Son to make an altogether change: “The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!”

And I believe He formed me on this Earth (not just sent me to Haiti) to be that change.  When He created in us that NEW heart, we’re to be a part of that, to be missionaries—different people altogether enslaved to a different God bringing an entirely different Gospel for an altogether different world.

And we would already BE there if others would just stop entirely driving me nuts.

I continue to wait on THEM to be that change before I will be.

Matt, as one I am continually blessed to be eternally stuck with, incessantly drives me batty.  (I don’t usually talk about marriage on here, do I?  Cold medication may have permeated my filter: warning.)

I can tell you in a heartbeat 95 things he could do differently to make me happier. 

Probably. 

Testimonial: This morning, BEFORE 6 am, he opened a brand-new, impossible to find on this entire island, perfectly sealed, been saving it for over TWO MONTHS for a special occasion, bag of limited edition “Birthday Cake” flavored double-stuffed Oreos.  Before 6 am. 

Matt world: If I had known those were hiding there, I would have eaten that whole bag months ago!  Why in the world would you HIDE OREOS when you could EAT them?  She crazy.

Stacey world:  Grave. Grave. Sin.  Has he NO idea how long I’ve been saving them just to see Lily’s eyes light up for her fifth birthday in another three months?  Expanse of punishment: no less than one week.

He watches “Lord of the Rings” while he’s washing dishes.  He ALWAYS tries to sneak Sofie into our bed in the middle of the night so he can snuggle her while she kicks me.  His favorite humor dwells in the 11 year-old boy range.  He never, never, NEVER remembers to brush the girls teeth.  THEY WOULD HAVE NO TEETH if they had no mother. 

He wants to get over things by literally forgetting about them.  Not by talking through them in detail 29 times for full-closure.  He got the Ayars temper (and by saying so, I have flared the Ayars tempers :)  He absolutely doesn’t appreciate me as much as he should! 

And as I was stuffily complaining to the Lord about all the things I really wish, desperately wish, dramatically wish He would change about Matt, He reminded me that He’ll take care of Matt.  

I AM THE CHANGE.  He wants ME to be the change, the change I want to see. 

Luke 6 in a nutshell has bombed me today.  Love, bless, give, turn, expect nothing, love, do good, pray, lend, expect nothing, don’t judge, don’t condemn, pardon, GIVE.  LOVE.

The church in Haiti?  It drives me crazy. It is so frequently so badly failing so miserably.  This past Sunday, the senior pastor of the church where Matt was preaching was LITERALLY SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR ON THE STAGE.  In his suit.  Someone woke him each time he was to speak, and then Matt preached—NO EXAGGERATION—OVER dude’s snoring.

And so many wouldn’t be coming to foreigners for help if the church was doing what it was supposed to be doing! She dwells on the stupid and overlooks the necessary, comes through when it's convenient and is altogether absent when it's difficult.  Not at all what it’s supposed to be! Not at all doing what it’s supposed to be doing.  I could harp on the Haitian church, the American church, the world’s church until I was entirely dismal.

Or I could be the change, eyes fixed.  Love, bless, give, turn, expect nothing, love, do good, pray, lend, expect nothing, don’t judge, don’t condemn, pardon, give.  Love.

All these people asking for things all the time?  They drive me crazy.  It is never enough.  It will never be enough.   Built dude an entire house…start to finish…and now he wants to know when Matt’s going to pay to fix the hole in the roof that leaks when it rains.  Gave chick a job, and she’s asleep in the bed.  So few are grateful.  So many could do more.  I could disgruntledly give until I was poorer than Haiti and bitterer than it’s clarin whiskey. 

Or I could be the change, eyes fixed on Him.  Love, bless, give, turn, expect nothing, love, do good, pray, lend, expect nothing, don’t judge, don’t condemn, pardon, give. Love.

EVEN He Himself, says Luke 6, is kind to ungrateful and evil men.

There are a lot of excuses.  Matt is wrong.  I am sick.  I’ve already tried that.  It’s not doing all it should.  He’s already asked me that 10 times.  I’ve already given way more than X.  I’ve already done way better than Z.  They are so ungrateful. No one understands.  I am alone.  No one is helping.  This is not how it was supposed to be.  That was not how she was supposed to respond.  What in the world to they think they're doing?  Why is it always so complicated?

But I have One Example to compare myself with, and suddenly nothing holds water anymore.

One judge to worry about, and justice no longer my concern. 

One King to bow before and One God to seek after and suddenly my frustration is replaced with His broken heart and my resolve--with His help--is renewed.

because THAT ONE says it’s ME.

He’s says it’s ME to turn cheek and give more and forgive.  Me to not judge to pardon to forgive.  Me to be merciful, be gracious, be kind.  Me to be walked on, be forsaken, be hurt and be love.  Me to give and Me. To. Love.

Because HE LIVES, it’s ME to BE the change He wants to see in the world. 

Even in my own little corner of it hiding Oreos. 

The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good;

for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart. 

Do not call Me, ‘Lord! Lord’, if you do not do what I say.

Luke 6:45