no more converts.

It's come up several times this past week, and a whole new concern is suddenly gnawing at me.  We haven't lived in the States recently enough for me to know if this is a growing trend with Christians there, but two very revealing conversations in Haiti this week have me truly burdened for "the converted" here in Haiti.

First, with the employee that Matt was forced to let go.  For months regarding this friend, we have seen an open door for temptation and to easily fall into sin.  We've sat down with him countless times, talking about our concerns, sharing with him God's perfect plan for holiness in his life, encouraging him to flee from temptation and to not allow sin to be a slave over him.  He is a member of the church, a convert of 6 years from Voodoo.  A sincere young man full of His potential.  

On our ride home from the airport on Wednesday, another brother shared the heartbreaking news that our friend had been choosing, instead, to follow his own way, resulting in a young (also converted) girl now being several months pregnant and continuing to live together.  

It is an understatement to say that we were heartbroken.  For two days, we mourned the loss of the triumph in Christ that could have been...the easier path (consequence-wise) that could have been clung to...the open and blatant and continual blemish on the church, His Bride.  

Finally, Matt sat down with our friend to tell him that due to the fact that he was already on several forms of probation, this latest choice had to result in his termination. But first, Matt shared with him about how his choice to do what he wanted over what God wanted (otherwise known as sin) had broken God's heart, and ours!

"Whatever, Pastor Matt" was his response.  "You know I'm converted!  I'm converted!  It doesn't MATTER.  Whenever I want to, I'll just say I'm sorry, and then it doesn't matter any more, and no one can tell me I did anything wrong, not even God.  I'm converted."

The same week, a dear personal friend of mine came to me very distraught.  Last week, the news was circulated that a 50 year old man had violated a toddler in Port-au-Prince.  While we may hear news like this all the time in the States and perhaps in other countries, this kind of behavior/crime is absolutely UNHEARD of in Haiti. 

My friend was LIVID, and even more livid than she was over the crime, she was livid over the outcome.  The police quickly arrested the man, robbing the community of the opportunity to bring swift and merited justice...murder.  

"He deserves to die!" she protested passionately, banging her fists on the countertop.  "THAT SIN MERITS DEATH!"

I waited a few moments for her to calm down, touched by her brokenness over a broken world, but a bit concerned about her theology.  

"Friend," I said gently.  "That sin DOES merit death.  But so does Mine!  So does yours!"

"NOT MY SIN!" she almost yelled, quickly coiling angrily out from under my touch, taking me off guard.  "I have NEVER done ANYTHING like that.  I've never done ANYTHING that deserves DEATH."

My breath was literally taken away, and suddenly it dawned on me.  She is a leader in a major church.  A Christian her whole life.  A representative of many Christians, probably worldwide.  And yet she was truly appalled at the suggestion that she deserves death for her "smaller" sins.  She is, after all, converted!

The rather tormented ponderings of my heart...

     Can we truly CARRY His cross if we don't think we deserved it?

     Does His sacrifice and death in my place mean anything if I just "say sorry" when I'm ready and meanwhile live however I want?

     Can we follow after the Holy One (not be converts! BE Christ-followers!) if we aren't holy?

      Am I truly IN HIM (does He KNOW me) if I cheapen what He did on the cross by continuing to live however I want, or if I think my good works somehow make me less in need of His salvation?

How often do I live like this??  How often do I ACT like my 'little' sin DOESN'T merit death?  How often do I consciously or subconsciously think to myself "it will be ok, because I'm a Christian.  I can be sorry later and it will go away."

What if we come to find in ourselves and in Haiti a million "converts" who would NEVER wear pants (women) or paint their nails, who would NEVER commit a crime, who would NEVER beat their wives or yell at you or cuss, but who would have missed the whole boat of what it MEANS to embrace the cross and be a Christ Follower?  

Can I BE IN HIM and NOT be "dead to sin, but alive to God" (Romans 6:11).  Can the cross cover me if I do not believe that the wages of MY sin "is death" (Romans 6:23)...if I deem it "not possible" for His Word to be true: "For sin shall NOT master over you" (Romans 6:14).  

Can we BE IN HIM if our mind is set on the flesh but we are "converted?" ("For the mind set on the flesh is death, but only the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace" Romans 8:6)  

What if we don't have the Spirit of Christ (and all that He represented), but we "live well" and go to church some and don't kill people? "But if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does NOT belong to Him" (Romans 8:9). 

What if I think that the bitterness I felt in my heart the other day when I saw someone who has greatly hurt me DIDN'T merit death?  DIDN'T separate me from Him? DIDN'T nail Him to the cross the same way the child molester in Port-au-Prince did?  

I don't WANT to be a convert.  I don't want to be forming converts.  I don't want to be finding converts.  Is it possible that one day a lot of converts, claiming the cross of Christ but unwilling to bear it, will come before Him and HE WON'T KNOW US? 

This ever-present but newly realized fear of mine has me checking out my own heart and thinking about what I need to do/be/live/say differently as His disciple to those around me, those marching wildly in Voodoo "carnival" parades today (Fat Tuesday) and those going to church with their heads covered.