these are glory days

Dear ones, there is no point telling you I'm going to be transparent about something painful, because you know I am, for His glory and the edification of others...and also there is no point trying to impress anyone 19 years into this blog :) You know me. 

I have genuinely been battling with anxiety, which is not a typical struggle of mine and has caught me off guard. I have a dear friend courageously battling horrible cancer, and I was starting to notice that every time I got a medical text update, my stomach was churning and twisting, and I kept finding myself washing dishes or folding laundry in a panic, in a rush, praying and at peace in my mind and heart as I did so, and yet my hands shaking and my body in fight or flight.

Matt is doing 800 times better than he was doing in December/January. Finally in a new pace with new rhythms. Finally free of constant headaches and body pain, extreme and constant exhaustion yet inability to sleep. First summer in TWENTY YEARS (since 2004!) that he has not been actively fund-raising and traveling continually. Finally back teaching and preaching and writing and LOVING it, anointed for his calling to teach God's word. He finishes teaching with more energy than he started with (it had been a LONG TIME since this was true!), and he's leaving the room moved and with hearts growing and roots deepening, mine included.

And yet. After such a many valley months, I realized I am waiting with dread for hard things to fall instead of waiting on Him and His many good gifts...my stomach and heart-rate get racing over a phone call about groceries or other daily graces! 

Our precious bonus girls have been doing their reunification trial, and we all talk almost every day, see them 3-4 times a week. We miss them terribly. There have been some really hard moments and days. But they are doing ok, and the Lord is with them, and He is caring for them and watching over them. Like He always has.

And yet. For 2.5 years, we were their safe space. We were their providers. We were their protectors. And while we are still and will always be their family, having our ability to provide and protect and be home suddenly shift to NO ability to provide, protect, and be home...and all my Mama bear instincts. Oof. 

I thought I was doing ok, moving through the recent transitions in stride, keep on swimming. But I realized this week that every time one of them texts me, every time I walk past their bedroom door, every time we are out and I count and I'm missing two...everytime someone asks for them, every time one of the littles asks when they are coming home...I move on in my day lifting them up in prayer in my heart, trusting the Lord with them in my mind, and yet again, feeling shaky, rushed and knots in my stomach.

I finally realized this week that while the crisis season of battling cancer with dad and the grief season of losing him is finally lifting...while the "danger" season of our bonus girls is shifting...while Matt's re-set season is healing and restoring and full of hope and GOOD, my body is having a hard time catching up with my mind and heart! My body is having a hard time catching up with the Lord :) 

All the anxieties of those seasons that I pushed through to be strong and stable and faithful and fixed are weirdly catching up with me now that the urgent and heavy are behind me. 

I'm not sure that makes sense, or is how it works. But. Writing it through helps.

My first response to that is irritation.

The sun is finally peaking out from behind the clouds, and my hands are stupid-shaking and my stomach is in a knot! I have trusted Him and clung to the corner of His robe and kept my eyes fixed on Him through the hardest days of my life, and we are finally passing through them, and I'm having trouble with the easiest things...like breathing? 

My second response (upon irritation not helping and talking to a few dear friends and Matt) is that my phone and being constantly accessible to all information and outreach maybe need a turning off for a while. My rushing, when I notice it, may need stopped and sat for a while! My constant multi-tasking may need single-tasked, on purpose. 

I've left the mess a few times these past days and poured over liturgies and Bible passages, hand-writing card after card, posted place after place, and when I find my breath stuck and my stomach churning, I've been turning to reading them out loud, slow and again and again. I opened mom's hymnbook and piano and have spent several shaky moments playing through well-worn truths. Matt's been putting his hands on my head and praying for me if he's home, and I've got my "resilience" podcast playing again as I fold laundry or do puzzles with Emma or take our daily walk.

The Lord sits enthroned over the flood, King forever. May the Lord give strength to His people, and bless His people with peace.

When I am overwhelmed, let me count the many ways you have met, supported, taught, and delivered me in the days gone by. You have been faithful, Lord. 

Setting my mind on the spirit: life and peace, until my body catches up.

Finally, I was sitting in church this morning asking the Lord to meet this newly-realized anxiety head on....not through MY best efforts, but through HIS. To show me and help me focus on HIM, and to break these chains for me. To help me reset as I carry on, eyes on Jesus...and to powerfully and miraculously reset my mind, heart and body by His supernatural hand.

Tonight our church is having a service of healing and wholeness following this hard season of church-split, and I am so looking forward to this intentional time...and praising Him for His timing! I know He will meet me, too. 

I leave you with this testimony: 

A few days ago, as I was wrestling with and clinging to the Lord on all of this, my dear suffering friend with cancer was suffering particularly. What she is going through with such grace is hellish, many of the meds and procedures I know far more about than I wish, passing through similar valleys of suffering with mom and then dad. I have been praying day-in and day-out, and a few of the last days have been particularly scary and full of pain for our dear one. 

I did not know how to respond in her precious prayer group. So I waited, days. Praying in and praying out. Praying day and praying night. And out of nowhere, in the middle of making dinner, I picked up my phone with NO idea what I was going to type and quickly sent this...not from my own heart and mind and headspace, but seemingly from His. 

These days are GLORY days! Not because they are good... but because you are so. absolutely. determined. that God WILL be glorified through these present trials, through your life and testimony. These are GLORY days. MIGHTY is He who is firmly on the Throne. Amen.

I have NO idea where that came from.

I sent it without even thinking. 

And I have gone back to it fifty times.

Lord, may you be glorified through my responses and through my attitudes and through my words and though my testimony, even in the darkest days, even now, as they lift. 

May these days--even as I still wrestle with the tail ends of anxiety and healing--be GLORY days, His Glory days. Mighty is He who is FIRMLY on the throne...who was and is and is to come. 

In your life and mine. 

May these days be Glory Days. 

I love you!

How have you battled against anxiety? What helps you? Give me your stories...