In three days

I needed that! 

Technically, we all needed that ❤️.  

Three days… 

to hear about miraculous healings in Thailand, 

to pray through the long list of OMS missionaries around the globe, 

to learn about the top 10 places the organization is praying intently for workers, 

to dig deeper with Stan Key on salvation as a journey, 

to spend an unexpected evening sharing watermelon with Uncle Dave and Aunt Marilyn, 

to catch up over tacos with the president’s wife and the other two women on the board, 

to hear about the bike shop in Italy that is evangelizing on the street corners to Italians and immigrants from countless countries, 

to have transparent and powerful lunch conversation with brothers and sisters I can’t show you, serving in places I can’t tell you, 

to gather in transformative conversations about loss and grief and anger and Jesus, tears pouring down our faces, 

to catch up with our Haitian brother who serves in the office that Matt long did, 

to discuss strategy and funding and needs and goals and visions, 

to pray over those carrying heavy global burdens,

 

to sing out Great is Thy Faithfulness in a busting room of brothers and sisters from around the globe, singing in more languages than I’ve ever heard at one time,

 

to burn the candle bright at both ends, 

to have a priceless hour for lunch on the way to the airport with the man and woman who are very most like mom and dad in my life, 

to remember there’s a big world outside my own, 

to recall that some of the passions and callings He has put deep inside me are still there, 

to recoil that my family are His first,

to reset my Kingdom focus. 

I am so thankful for people who share their struggles with me freely, that I might hold their ropes and learn their lessons with them.  I am so thankful for people who persevere no. matter. what. and who inspire my socks off.  I am so thankful for the spiritual giants gone before us who prayed and trusted and preached and WENT, packing in their coffins, for they would not retreat.

 I am so thankful for the people who let me push on painful places and who push on mine, producing oil of healing.  I am so thankful for the number of people I rubbed shoulders with this weekend who prayed for Matt and I all those years and struggles and victories in Haiti. 

I’m so thankful for all the laughter that came from good work this week. For all the tears no one hid or shamed. For all the brokenness shared and all the miracles and fruit alongside. I’m so thankful for all the reminders of His faithfulness, and all the sightings of it still.  

I’m thankful for men and woman who look and sound nothing like me who I can’t even communicate with past a smile and a nod who are my brothers and sisters. I’m so thankful for translation apps, and that soon they won’t be needed! 

I’m so thankful for the precious family I have to go home too….if my flight ever stops getting delayed!  And I’m thankful this world is His. 

Weirdo Matt is always planning his funeral, always telling me at random things to remember….what songs he wants, who he wants to preach, what verses he wants read, where he wants buried.  My dream is to die on the mission field. 

Until then, I’m glad to live in it.  

Only one thing

Its been a season of too many things. Another driving permit, one last 4 year old birthday party. Another long, good weekend baseball tournament and another year’s VBS in the books.  Lotsa people fed. Lots of Bible studies and youth groups.  One more cheer camp, lots more 6:30 am practices (I’m sorry. Why.) Lots of extra beloved kids, lots of visits to someone lonely or in pain, all precious.  Lots and lots of driving. 

Everyone told me this was that season, but I had no idea how much it would take to manage everyone’s camps and practices and lessons and appointments.  Some days Emma and I are more taxi drivers than anything else. A million dishwasher exchanges, a million loads of laundry exchanges, never enough time in the day. 

Lots of ships passing in the night for Matt and I. Lots of important relationships and activities by the wayside.  I have missed writing, and fall into bed completely wiped and wondering how I can possibly make it all work tomorrow.

While life had been full overflowing with so many good things, it’s been too much.  Unsustainable, and I wouldn’t want it to be our way of life, anyway. 

So here we are—after busting butt for a week to beg in every favor to cover every single spinning plate, filling the fridge, planning out every child pass off…and almost melting down at midnight with a 3:10 am alarm set—I’m off North for our annual One Mission Society board meetings. 

Life has chaosed to a place it doesn’t feel like I can possibly be gone for 3 days.  It took SO much work and time and sacrifice and friends to even go, I want to passionately promise the kids, one of whom is always hanging tearfully on my leg, I will never leave again ever again not for one hour.  

I remember once a family with six teenage kids coming to Haiti for a week, and telling me how blessed we were to have such a slow and steady and family-focused schedule.  Everyone home and at dinner every evening. No sports and lessons and entertainment pulling us all a million directions. That life in America wasn’t like that.  

I agreed with her patiently, but silently, emphatically, thought it is what you make it, sweetheart. We live like this cause we choose to, and we would in America, too.  

He reminded me that conversation when Matt and I were trying to remember the last time that all 7 of us, and only the 7 of us, had dinner together.  

I thought my boundary of “one thing per kid and church” meant we would never get to this scurried state, but I was wrong.  Turns out church is 24 times 7 if you let it….all such good and precious and important things. Turns out “one thing”, like cheer or baseball in America, is all weekend, every weekend, five weekends in a row like we just finished, though he be seven, or three days a week of practice plus clinics, camps and competitions.  Plus Lily working and her robust social calendar, plus Nora at ASL camp, which notified us at the very last moment an adult over 18 must attend every minute of with her.  

“One thing per kid plus church” doesnt include two days at the DMV for drivers tests, extra appointments at the dentist for an infected baby tooth or dropping teens for babysitting or housesitting or four kids birthdays this summer, or pets or playdates or…

Divide and conquer! Gaga encouraged me a few weeks ago….and while she is right we have divided again and again….none of this feels much like conquering.  

I hear Him gently reminding Martha only one thing is needed.  I see Emma asking me to read her the book….and cleaning up hours later after everyone’s in bed and finding it still unread on the couch.  I see Lily and Sofie both above my eye level, flying  and roller-coastering through their last months in our home, and hear Him urging me not to miss my disciples. I see myself, trying to fill a water bottle at the fridge with one hand while emptying the dishwasher with the other while listening to Ben talk about his birthday wish list and knowing this is stretched beyond His good.  

He reminded me gently at the altar on Sunday that I’ve grown far too exhausted to get up before the house and start with Him and His Word, living instead off snatches of It in four minute intervals throughout the day.  Though He’s reminded me before. Though I’ve promised and affirmed and known the habit’s sweetness and sustaining power. 

All this said, He also gave me an incredibly challenging and painful and sacrificial opportunity last week to shut my mouth and captive my thoughts and TRUST Him, really trust Him.  And I DID, perhaps mostly out of insufficient bandwidth, and on the other side of a dark week, He was faithful. And is redeeming it. Truly. Clearly. In front of my eyes.  

Last time I tried to fix it and control it for Him and created a terrible and long-lasting mess.  This time, I saw Him free-handedly do His miraculous work on hearts, in a matter of days, because I truly trusted Him. 

The circumstance of seeing Him at work poked me with Greg Benson’s ever prodding question, What is God trying to teach you? 

One, that my frustration and disappointment with myself over letting us get here is only beneficial in that it points me to Him….not to beat me up or keep us stuck.  His mercies new every morning, even this 3 am one, are what I need, and a new start, which He is always ready to give, only upon us asking for it.  Whatever you’re beating yourself up over, repent and be forgiven and put your eyes back on Him and go again. 

Two, that when we are certain the earth cannot spin without all our efforts, we have become the god. Our kids the idol. Our events. Our MORE.  Bankrupt. He is the one and only thing we cannot afford to disappoint, cannot afford to rush by, the only One whose efforts are enough and full. 

I’m learning that sometimes disappointing our kids and others and even ourselves is the lesser cost.  Every single YES costs something, and if we don’t guard and be prayerful in our yesses, we will be paying for it in ways that don’t satisfy, that don’t have eternal value, and that aren’t building His kingdom, that aren’t filling us with Himself.  

Maybe I was right when I judged my friend, that our days and schedules and family rhythms and priorities ARE what we make it. But I knew nothing about the pressures of this culture for and in our kids, in our lives….or how hard we’d have to fight. 

Last weekend Ben had a big final tournament game Sunday morning in Starkville.  After several Saturday games, we packed Ben up and brought him home Saturday night for Sunday morning church.  We totally let his team, his coaches, and the other parents down….we were reminded.  The FOMO in me was already writhing, but when the other first baseman woke up super sick and hospitalized Sunday morning, and Ben was not there to play the bag, it almost killed me.  Letting them down and missing out almost killed me. 

We can’t miss church for baseball, I kept telling myself, telling Ben. After all, this is Matt’s job! 

NO. 

His gracious, still small voice instantly corrected me.  I and my commands are not your job. They are your priority. 

I am learning that our true priority is not in what we say it is. I can say dinner together as a family is my priority all I want. That Sunday morning community worship is. That my marriage is. That my time with Him is. 

But if we can’t remember the last time it happened, if we skip it for a play game, if I lose it for a frantic packed schedule, if I’m too doggone exhausted for it… My eyes are not upon Him, and He is NOT my true God and King and Lord. 

I have settled for idols when I have the true and mighty God after me! I have led my family in bankrupt ways when His is better and the only way that satisfies. I have missed the one thing needed when the world told me it was 100 things. Swings and misses I cannot afford. 

Luke 10:38-42

Martha and Mary

[38] Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. [39] And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. [40] But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” [41] But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, [42] but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.”

not finished

I good cried three times today. Which is not normal. Especially on a day like today. 

I have been spread super thin the last few days. And today was the grande finale. 

Ben had a double header tournament in Clinton (30 minutes). Matt was the graduation speaker for the Salvation Army in Atlanta (and got to see his nephew play ball in Atlanta the night before!) Lily had work, 9-6. Sofie has been in Starkville (2 hours away) all week for cheer camp and 11 am was the showcase, competition and noon, I was to bring home 10 cheerleaders. 

I tried and tried and couldn't figure out how to make it work. My help committed weeks ago to take Ben to his tournament had to cancel on Thursday. I felt strongly I needed to do the Sofie portion...haven't even seen girly since before her bday, and Sofie is often the least needy one and therefore missed. Gaga Beth is on a women's retreat. Roommate Hannah is over-piled and couldn't make it work. 

All day Wednesday I was squidgy.  How did we get in this situation? We have followed the "only one thing per person" rule to a T, and yet "only one thing each" and nothing for Emma but tagalong is still too many things. These ages are full! What am I doing wrong? How can I do more? How can I fix this? How can I plan this thing out?

Wednesday evening, unable, I was mad.  

WHY does every person out there have family...grandparents five minutes away dying to go to baseball games or to keep littles while Mom runs to cheer camps. LOOK at all the ways my kids are missing out. Why does everyone have family and we never have family! You can't just ask people who AREN'T family to bear 100 degree heat and driving an hour and watching baseball games for kids not their own! You can't just ask people to watch your 3 and 10 year old for SEVEN hours on Saturday morning at 8 am.

Then I got sad. Cried myself to sleep Wednesday night. I miss my sister, SO fun and good to do life with and haven't gotten to do it. Ever.  I miss my parents, who would LOVE these stages and balance out teenage hormones and help invest in these dear ones. Help make these busy ages of five different directions WORK.

I woke up Thursday morning sour and complaining to the Lord. 

I can't do this by myself. I don't want to let my kids down. I can't do it all. My very best is NOT cutting it. 

WHY don't we have family for times like this?

As soon as I said it, He raised His eyebrows at me. 

I saw Him. Amused.

Have you asked the family I have given you?

That still, unexpected small voice was precise and clear and transforming.

It instantly silenced my previous urge to remind Him games were hot and the day was long and people were busy and He didn't give us any biological family within 800 literal miles. You know, all the reasons I had came up with not to ask. I hate asking for help. I hate not being able to help myself. 

Immediately our Tuesday night small-ish group came to my mind. 

A friend said once that the best thing about kids is that when they know what to do, they don't stop and think about why they shouldn't or couldn't do it....they DO it. She says not to "adult" things into disobedience or slowness to obey. Faith like a child. 

So I moved on His raised eyebrow. 

Texted my busy small group, explained the situation, asked if anyone could help. Sent it before I deleted it.

A few precious mamas juggling equal number of kids equal number of places offered to try to help where they could...but they really couldn't. They had about 11 free minutes. But love us too much to leave me hanging. 

Not you   came instant to my mind. 

Not you   I texted them back.   Love you, but not you. 

And then He sent us just what I needed. 

A neighbor with two girls asked if Nora and Emma could go to the pool with them Saturday. 

Then Miss Piggy, as the kids call her, jumped on it. 

The weather and Ben and the games work for me. 

Peggy usually has happy, quiet, beautiful chaos-free adventures on her bike on Saturdays. 

Love looks like sacrifice. Sacrifice, love.

Count me in, what color do I wear? jumped in my dear friend Carlene.

Classic Scott and Susan next with a We are dad-gum excited, Hey batter, batter, SWING! Let's go!

Within minutes I had all three littles and two people for each of Ben's warm-ups and games covered. People he knows. People we love. People who didn't hem and haw or complain or agree with reluctance.

People who made sacrifice sound like a gift. People who acted like...family.

Which instantly made all my 48 hours of squidgyness, emotion, frustration, helplessness and stubbornness feel SO...wasteful. Untrusting. Stupid.

When will I learn the Emma-lesson? Crying for 9 months about a baby that was NOT a good gift and NOT good timing....only to hold the BEST and most PERFECT timing gift every single day since? Wasted nine months instead of TRUSTING Him. That His gifts are good ones. That He knows better.

His gifts are good ones. His example is sacrificial love. And He knows better...and never intended for us to do it ourselves. 

Carlene showed up at 7:30 am with breakfast sandwiches and a red hat, and she and Peggy took Ben and his gear at 7:45 am this morning. My eyes were dripping as they pulled away, because the little man in the backseat was happy and brave and growing and waving and off and loved, not just by me. Because Peggy and Carlene hugged me like it was a GIFT to help, not a burden. Because they sent me videos of him hitting and base running and in every one, I can hear their voices cheering him on. Ben could hear them cheering him on. I cried because they don't have grandkids...but Ben has them.

Scott and Susan traded them out for game two, and brought Ben his favorite snacks mama don't buy him, cheered him on so loud he was laughing and kept me updated from cheer-central.  They were his cool aunt and uncle, and never once did he say, "It was fine, but I wish you and dad were there." He just had fun and was watched and cheered and loved, and he knew it. He loved it. I cried when he called me later, telling me all about his fun day and how loved on he had been.

Our neighbors had four girls all day to their normal two, and loved it. Made cobbler, did puzzles, played in the sprinkler. Got to watch the game on tv because their two were fully entertained by our two. 

When competition for 500 cheerleaders, Sonic for 10 cheerleaders and four hours on the road was completed (the last two hours much louder than the first) and my Sofie girl finally back and now 15, all my kids were playing, happy, home, loved, blessed. 

I cried when I watched Sofie in the pyramid, Sofie who is trying to figure it all out and you can see the heaviness on her shoulders and spirit and on her sparkle. She is NOT my girl. She is HIS. She doesn't NEED my plans. The Lord has PLANS for this girl. Good gifts. He's at work in her. He is not done. Her cheer coach reminded me in the middle of the arena that instead of fretting over the places I worry about in her life, PRAY them down.

My mom didn't get see His plans for my sister and my's life past Lisa-16. Past Lily and Sofie's age. I am there, I am where mom was when she finished. 

I pray He gives me lots of years to watch what He's doing in these kids.

I have no promise of that. 

But I got to watch what He's doing today. And every single time I've done all I can do...He has not.

What He's doing is a lot bigger than me. And He's not finished. And clearly not finished teaching ME. 

Praise the Lord.

Instead of worry, instead of complaining over what you do not have...

Ask Him.  See what He says. 

And do it.