His full cup.

We spent the large majority of yesterday in juvenile court. As heavy as we were feeling for our own kiddos and the pressures and fears of major decisions being made by others regarding their lives, it was sitting there as case after case was seen that broke my heart. Broken families, whatever all the reasons, wear the losses heavily, and watching all the losses pile yesterday was almost more than I could handle.

When a mama came out bawling and her four little ones bawling too, going separate ways for what was determined the gut-wrenching best, I thought I was gonna lose it.  When we had to be there 8:45-11 and then come back again at 2, I didn't think I could do it...and that was one day! 

The challenging, stretching, complicated, discouraging, impossible and vital work of judges, case workers, social workers, state appointed lawyers...man. Their ministry in broken places really touched me yesterday, in a mission field that would eat me up and spit me out in a few days. 

I never thought I'd be in juvenile court, holding the ropes of kiddos not always our girls, but the Lord knew it would be one of the challenging places He'd lead us, and I'm grateful to GO such places, eyes wide open, and KNOW, to see all the sides of brokenness and attempts at healing and to know here too, His everlasting love and His GOOD reach.

We carry on.  

We pulled in weary and dreary around 4, and Beth graciously drew my attention to Emma's heaving ribcage. I'm not sure I would have noticed her drippy nose and growing cough turning dangerous after such a long day out of the house, but after a long day at the Ayars, Beth stayed on as I turned back around and took Emma to the doctor. Her oxygen level was borderline ER, so we did a few breathing treatments and went straight to CVS to wait for more, and steroids, and antibiotics. Our dear neighbor sent over a frozen pot pie, and when we got home, dinner was on the table and the kids and I were fed and together and snuggled through a movie and struggled through a nebulizer while Matt taught his Monday night class. 

Whew.

She was definitely better today than worse today with her meds, and I am SO thankful, and for Beth!

On Sunday afternoon, I was walking in the sunshine around our neighborhood, baby in the stroller, praying a mile a minute, probably known by now as the crazy lady who talks to herself. I found myself, out the gate, trying not to complain. Trying to look at the bright sides. Trying to be grateful. Trying to stuff it all down.  But I quickly felt a clear sense from the Lord that I could stop all that trying and just feel how I felt. Just pray my frustrations. My fears. My anger. Not my neat packages.

So I did...I told Him of the injustices going unaddressed. I told Him of my wasted efforts going unnoticed. I started in on the sacrifices unadvertised, on the pains I didn't sign up for, on the unfairnesses of it all in the world, of the losses piled on losses.

And I hadn't even much gotten half a mile when He cut me off as only the Lord can...with kindness. With freedom. With great love. With precision. 

He told me to speak plainly, and then He did, too. 

There are far greater injustices than these still awaiting My mighty hand. There are far greater costs being paid for following My costly cross. There are far greater deeds than these overlooked by man, but not by me. 

It was NOT stop your whining. 

It was not suck it up, buttercup.

It was exchanging my perspective for His, which almost in a breath turned my burdens into genuine blessings and my freedom to complain into freedom to praise Him. In a moment He did a work I couldn't have brought myself through in months. 

The last quarter mile, Emma waving at every passing dog, the short, yet powerful pressing of His Spirit evaporated all my complaints, counting it all loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing the Lord of Heaven's Armies, Maker of Heaven and Earth, Good Father and the One. Who. Sees.

Praise Him.

And that "come-to-me" walk Sunday was not only what I needed that day, but was what I needed in court and at the doctor Monday, and was what I needed for today when the principal called about a daughter who was victim to "Mean Girl Monday", and will be what I need tomorrow as Matt and Lily leave for 8 days in the Czech Republic. I know I'll be ushering up His mercies again, just as they have sustained me and turned my eyes to Him these hard moments instead of to my circumstances. 

I can trust Him. I can serve from His full cup. I can trust He sees and knows and cares and sleeps not, and I can praise Him in ALL circumstances, serving unto Him for His glory, rich with the grace He has given me out of His unending love.

I wish I knew right where you were today. Wherever it is, I'm grateful He's there.