carrying on

It's all just settling in hard. I'm not doing well and that doesn't really change anything, does it...just putting it out there.

Our dear friend from Haiti lost his precious wife Vicki, and Matt leaves tomorrow for the funeral. He just got back from being in Tupelo Sunday and Monday for American Family Radio.  My dear friend's baby nephew was just diagnosed with a rare genetic mutation...tomorrow the anniversary of the death of a dear friend's husband...

You've got your list too...so many hard and heavy things. It all piles up and then sometimes it all catches up, too, and you just want to have a day to stay in bed and be quiet...

I'm tired. Our crew is hard to manage solo, even just between homeschool and carpool and preschool alone..a lot of shuttling, a lot of shepherding, and mama is always the safe place to dump and to take it all out on, a safe place to land. Court is over for another six months, but as all the stirred up waters settle, everyone is a bit emotional. Happy, sad, disappointed, excited, thankful, grateful, frustrated, grieving...all again, always, all of us. 

I am never ever alone, and yet often lonely under here...I don't know when I'll stop automatically reaching to call dad my 15 minutes in the car or at the end of the day when everyone's in bed...or feel like everyone has passed me by and are off having fun and rest with family and I am back here reeling and without one.

I fight the temptation to believe I am unseen, the unshowered woman at home who earns all the eye-rolls and never stops sorting socks and whose importance ends right about there. I fight the temptation to believe for a minute that my family is dwindling or that we are alone. I fight the temptation to believe lots of lies....to allow for lots of worries...to make space for pity when He does NOT.  I fight to be grounded and stable and consistent and loving when my four tweenagers and four year old are NOT. No wonder I'm tired...that's a lot of fighting!

Emily was here for a few days to see Ethan, and I'm so glad we got to house her and catch up. Ana wrote me the best letter of the good and the bad, and she has been used by the Lord again and again as a symbol of being seen by Him. Today was 86 degrees, warmer than Cap-Haitian, and some kiddos gardened while others had a water-balloon fight on the trampoline, and I am grateful for every sweet, sunny moment. Our small group was overflowing with beautiful, broken and faithful brothers and sisters tonight, and every Tuesday night I get to come alongside and laugh and cry and eat and pray and study and praise... and how good is that? 

I've got a good list to pray for and a good God to pray to and good gifts to praise for and a faithful Friend to praise...so I'mma carry on with you.