an undivided heart.

Sometimes life in Haiti speeds up the inevitable.

If you were on the road to a breakdown, come to Haiti.  Within days (if not hours.  if not just arriving at the airport) you will be there.

Marriage struggling?  Come to Haiti.  World War 3.  (sounds kinda like a postcard).

Problems with your kids?  Lots of baggage?  Stuff you need to work through?  Self-esteem issues?

Come to Haiti.  It'll all surface in 2 minutes flat and you'll have to deal or die.

I know it sounds extreme, but living in a 5th world culture will do that to you.

Remove comforts.
Remove comprehension.
Remove language ability.
Remove convenience, distractions, entertainment, family and friends?

 Yeah, you get to the bottom of yourself real quick.

This has been the refining fire of our married, work and family life.

Someone told me the other day that they don't like blogs or blogging because they are not PERSONAL.  If you want to share transparently, or if people want to really know what is happening, it can't be done on a blog.

Oops.

Do you know why our blog always feels so raw and transparent?  Because our life is.  Because Haiti is.  Maybe I've been here too long now to have a socially acceptable blog :)

There are visitors in our home about 50% of the time.  Many we have never met before.  Some of them have actually attempted to have a conversation with me before my morning coffee.  Some of them have seen Matt in his underwear.  Some of them have heard Matt and I "disagree".  All of them have not only seen, but experienced, what "behind closed doors" is at the Ayars house.  All of them have seen Sofie emerge from the bathroom bare-butt, because THAT GIRL CAN NEVER PUT HER UNDERWEAR BACK ON AFTER PEEING!

This morning, Jerry and Larry found a scooter in their bathroom at 5:30 am.  Found by kicking in the dark.

There are Haitian friends and family and strangers in our house at least 50% of the time.  If you show up at the Ayars at meal time, you eat.  Even if you "no like pizza."  If you have nothing going on at home...if you need some clean drinking water...if you want to play Hello Kitty Bingo...if you want to see what foreigners look like when they're sick in bed.  If you want to see Pastor Matt in his underwear.

Comm'on.

When you walk, sit, and rub shoulders and live in Haiti, it means that you SEE men and women bathing, chat with old women with no shirts on, kiss little cheeks of children covered in seeping sores, see hungry, see broken, see dying.  Everything: public.

And it means you stick out like a sore thumb in a culture that is greatly and shamelessly attracted to ANYTHING different.  Everything we see, say, and do: public.

If you go to buy groceries, there are 2 thousand people touching you at all times.  At church on Sunday we four were smashed on a bench built for 8 with 13 other people.  When I go to pick up Lily at school, I pack with the mothers like sardines, then pack with the 2 dozen children who STILL want to touch my hair.  When I needed to breastfeed my babies, a crowd would gather, find seating, and observe.  Advise.  Try to help.

Crazy lady is not tucked away in a home.  She is standing, outstretched, naked, filthy, in the middle of town square, sobbing.  Breaking my heart.  Hungry children are not hidden behind ratty t-shirts.  Teenage girls not advertising from dark corners.

It's no different than life anywhere in that the brokenness is no more broken.   Haiti just doesn't have the luxury of covering it up.  When you're in survival mode, keeping it all bottled up and hidden just isn't a priority.  And when your culture is community-oriented...

He has used this to change my life and to teach me an awful lot about Himself.  He did.  He is.
So I don't have the luxury of hiding it, either.  Hence uncomfortable blogging.

And this week, a sacred conversation with fellow foreign friends who have found life in Haiti to be very rapidly transforming (crazy-difficult) and breaking down (wrecking) all their plans and guards lifted a veil for ME.

The sheer chaos of Haiti, the dramatic differences in the culture, the loudness, the ways, the lack of personal, the invasion of boundaries, how people relate to each other, all of it.  Overwhelming.  NOTHING feels like home, NOTHING resonates, they "get" NOTHING.

And the fear we've all had at one time or another starts to creep in.

What if they are unable to grow a heart for this place?  For these people?  

What if you are not sure you still WANT this screaming insomniac bundle of rare-joy?  What if you are unable to grow a heart for her?

What if you are not sure you still WANT to be in this marriage?  What if you don't have a heart for him/her anymore?

What if you are pretty sure you NEVER wanted to be in this job?  What if you don't have a heart for it, whatsoever?

What if you're unable to grow a heart for the community of people you live with?  With chick who is driving you insane?  For the jerk you have to see at work EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.?

What if, at the end of the day, you are unable to LOVE like we're supposed to?  Unable to be faithful like He asks us to be?  Unable to lay down your life?  Unable to take the stand?  Unable to persevere?  Unable to succeed?

What if ________ is needed?

And you CAN'T?

As the words came out of my mouth, I heard them like someone else was saying them.

"God's not interested in whether you can grow a heart for Haiti.  God's interested in your heart for Him.  If God has brought you here, He will take care of your heart.  He will take care of your insufficiencies. He will give you everything that you need for each day, on that day."

As I said it, I realized how true IS.  If you take all your focus, all your energy, all your hopes, all your fears, and lay them all on HIM...seek out HIS heart and HIS heart alone, you will find more than enough for each day.  Your life in Haiti is about your heart for God.

It's never BEEN about us being enough.  Never been about us being able to do enough, or feel enough, or love enough.

It's always been about who He IS.  And who we are in Him.

I was encouraged, and thankful as I finally closed all the doors and turned out every light and headed for bed last night that while He continues to give me a heart for Haiti...a heart for my husband and children...a heart for the students and staff at EBS...a heart for our community, that all of that has been HIS doing.

My life isn't about my love for Haiti.  My marriage isn't about my love for Matt.  My momming isn't about a love for my girls.  My work isn't about my love for teaching or for the students.  This blog isn't about my love for writing.

It's all about my love for Him.  The only heart I need to have today is for Him.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, whoever you are doing it with, however you are feeling (love or not-so-much-love), this is overly-simple often-neglected truth is for US:

All that is needed, today, is a heart for God.

Lay it on Him.  He'll take care of the rest.  Even that which feels impossible.