"When we move to Mississippi, and our neighbors are all coming over for dinner, we can find out all about them and make them our friends. Then, when we need some sugar or if they need some help or when their family comes to visit them or when it's someone's birthday, we can all be together and be a big family!"
"Baby?" I finally interrupted the third or fourth time I heard my sky-high-expections firstborn talk like this. "Life in America isn't really the same as it is here at Emmaus, you know? People don't know their neighbors, much less eat together...and we'll be very....well, new, you know?"
She didn't know.
As her face fell, I felt awful for raining on her sweet parade.
"You know what?" I finally said with newfound conviction. "Things are different in Haiti than they are in America. But the good and Godly parts of our lives that we have learned in Haiti, we will hold onto them. We can at least try, right? We will try."
As our new home has been full, literally daily, and as new friends and acquaintances surround our dinner table most nights a week, as Lily DOES go next door to borrow sugar and as neighbors bring their families over so we CAN meet them...Lily was right.
I am realizing that "those things aren't done in America" is NOT because they cannot be, but because WE are not DOING them.
Every single conversation-turned-dinner-invitation we have made has been accepted, every one, even with puzzled expressions.
When three of our 80+ year old neighbors left last night, Matt and I grinned as we talked through the rich evening. He finally asked "Why IS eating together SO sweet? Why is eating together in a home so much more intimate than anything else we do with others?"
We wondered if perhaps it is because dinner in your home takes time, and so do real relationships. We wonder if perhaps letting people in, first, makes it a lot easier for them to let you in, too.
As people keeping asking me "What does that LOOK like?" I want to give a few quick ideas on the hospitality we learned over thirteen years in Haiti that wasn't just Haitian...but just Biblical.
1) Start with those Jesus reminds us to start with. An easy, non-intimidating place to start is with the orphan, the widow, and the sick. It doesn't take long to identify those who have no family, those who are alone, those who have come through great loss, those who are in the middle of physical and emotional suffering, themselves or in their family. We are all surrounded by those people. We have ALL been those people. Maybe we are those people now. There is no better way to ease suffering, loneliness and loss than to bring people in...both for them, and for you.
2) Instead of worrying about saying all the right things in a 2 minute passing conversation, make a quick chat an opportunity for more. "Wow, you have a LOT going on right now! Want to come over for dinner next week? I'd love to hear more, and to get to know you better." When you have 2 hours with someone instead of 2 minutes, the pressure to quickly and perfectly love them well is off, and you can enjoy getting to know them and speak into each others lives more naturally and deeply.
3) Be a little bossy. We've ALL heard, "we should get together sometime" and "someday you should come over." It almost never happens, and that quasi-invite is potentially more hurtful when it doesn't happen than if you had just said, "Good to see you!" Throw out a day or time or meal or event right then, and don't walk away until it's in the works, unless it really becomes apparent that they are not interested. "We don't have any plans Friday night! Would you like to join us then?"
4) Pull your family in, start to finish. Talk to your children and yourself continually about the importance of walking alongside people. How many times Jesus reminded people that what they did unto others was unto HIM! Read through the Gospels and see Jesus constantly spending time with those who were hurting, lonely, sick, outside, searching, angry, wrong or broken...or maybe just in need of being with Him. Ask your family how they want to be a part of hospitality...search out their strengths and spiritual gifts. Have the kids set the table. Fix it while they answer the door. Maybe that's just me. Include the kids in conversation. Discuss a plan for what the kiddos are going to do while the adults drink coffee and talk after the meal.
I frequently ask the kids to help make the dessert or part of the meal, enjoying good and messy time with them during the day, and then uplifting them while it's being served with a "Nora helped make this cobbler, doesn't it smell delicious?" It empowers our children when they know they have opportunities to be a part of His kingdom work...and when we allow their contributions to be heartfelt and not perfect. It also builds hospitality into their DNA. Lily wants to live in community simply because we always have, not because I told her to.
5) Not only does it not have to be perfect, but it shouldn't be. Jesus sat with all the wrong people in all the wrong places, oftentimes saying very culturally wrong things...with literally nothing in the oven. If that's how the Jesus we are following ate with people, we can stop thinking of our homes and lives and schedules as ours, and we can chill out on four courses and perfectly behaved kids and a polished floor.
A perfect home and perfect display is nothing more than that...a display, and nobody needs that. It's not about being perfect hosts. It's not about serving a perfect meal (thank goodness). It's about showing His love, serving one another, creating opportunities for good conversation, giving an opportunity to pray together. It's about showing Jesus...so the pressure is off to show an impressive version of US.
I've been beautifully, transformationally blessed in stick homes sharing the family chair with nothing more than mangoes, and I always remember that when I am worried over food.
Squabbles between the kids and tough pork loin and a broken glass just lead to opportunities to be real...and for guests to minister to YOU. What a gift struggles can be, if we allow them.
6) ASK QUESTIONS. The art and patience and skill of listening is often lost in this fast-paced age. If you ask any person how they met their spouse, or what their children's interests are, or what books or movies they are enjoying or where they like to go for fun...it leads to a dozen new roads in conversation. Share bits of your own story, and listen...for many are longing just to be heard.
7) Look for opportunities to point to Jesus. This has nothing to do with hospitality. This is everyday, every situation, to ourselves, our children, whomever we are with. Look for places Jesus was...look for things that He is doing...look for areas to speak into later...Look for places to PRAY, right now, or later and onward. Listen for lies to gently speak truth into, listen for fears to pour courage into, listen for hurts to ask about again, and to bring before the Lord.
8) Search for--and relish--the sweet spots. We are far, FAR more blessed by the people who gather around our table than we ever bless them. Every single time. This was true in Haiti, it is true, still. How mesmerized we all were with priceless stories last night and again tonight. How fascinating for our children to hear about times and places they've only studied. How fun to watch Lily learn about how to grow hydrangeas, for Sofie to hear about a fantastic ballet, for Matt to make a distant connection, for Nora to chatter about her cousins, for me to hear about how other mama's made it through tough times, to watch Ben share his cookie with a new friend...sometimes.
9) Make the relationship be the goal. Hospitality is not a service...it's an intentional relational lifestyle. If building relationships is your goal--whether dinner was delicious or not so much, whether your children were angels or in great need of grace or discipline...whether your house was spotless or your guest tripped on a toy and found the bathroom with an empty roll--you have succeeded. There are sweet, transformational connections built every time our disastrous garage is passed through, simply because those connections were our only goal. When these new friends need help, need prayer, need a friend, or most, need Christ in you, the hope of glory, you are now accessible. And when you need it...they are, too.
When Jesus sat with people, things changed.
If our homes are filled with the same Spirit that filled our Savior, perhaps the change that is needed most begins right here.
They broke bread in their homes
and ate together
with glad and sincere hearts.
Acts 2:46
Most important of all,
continue to show deep love for one another,
for love covers a multitude of sin.
Cheerfully share your home with those
who need a meal or a place to stay.
1 Peter 4:8-9
Yes!
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