scars.

So the Lord, who has been close and quiet the last few weeks, had a good long time yesterday to deal with all my jumble.  

In the middle of all our jumble and a nine hour drive.  

Matt and Lily made it safely to Philly, spent the night with our cherished Aunt Lori and Uncle Terry, and this morning headed to Seeds of Greatness Bible Church where an awesome group of people have been working hard to find us a family van.  Then he and Lily will head to our dear friend's house in North Carolina for the night, and then on to Atlanta tomorrow.  

We will, Lord willing, be together to celebrate Easter after all. 

The littles, Nikki and I loaded up and drove to Atlanta, where our dear friends have been offering us a place to stay for years.  They probably didn't mean all seven of us in the middle of Coronavirus with a 24 hour notice...but. Friends are friends for a reason :)  

When we woke up this morning in this homey home, the kids were already quick to the toys and we are just thankful for Deb and Craig, for Lori and Terry, for Dad and Cindy, for Jerome and Lisa, for Ana and Chris, for all the beautiful, sacrificing people loving our family practically well.

My dad graciously finished packing the moving unit in Ohio this morning and saw it off, and once again, we hurry up and wait.

We're waiting for a house, for our earthly belongings to find us, for Matt and Lily, we're waiting for classes to resume at home, to meet the people who are our new missionfield, friends and family still unknown, we're waiting for a lot of things.

But in the challenges of the last weeks, yesterday felt like the first time--with kids buckled in and watching Moana thanks to Grandpa's handmade ipad holder :)--that my heart slowed down enough to realize that all I really need to be waiting on is Him.

These circumstances these last weeks are NOT what I wanted. Not at all, not any of them.  And I cannot, cannot control or fix or change that.

But you know what? Despite them, despite all the hard and some horrifying things, I can control the state of my mind and heart, the response of my life and being, today.

And I don't want to live traumatized. I don't want to live filled with doubt. I don't want to be a wreck. 

I don't want to be anxious for anything. I don't want to be questioning so much. 

I don't want to be hurting over so much, don't want to be angry or frustrated or bitter or left broken.

I don't want to be focused on ourselves or our circumstances or the challenges. 

I want to be at peace, not turmoil.

I want to be a healed person, even when hurting.

I want to be reaching out, not in.

I want to be walking by faith, not fear. 

I want to be carrying on with confidence and trust, not doubt and concern.

For myself. For my family. For our dear country of Haiti and our friends and family there. For this country and our friends and family here. For the world.

He hasn't brought us this far for me to be a self-focused, bitter wreck. He hasn't done so, so, so much stretching and carrying and providing in our lives thus far for me to be rendered paralyzed and doubting now.

All the things we do NOT have must PALE.  All the loss we have suffered must move back.

They must pale now.  All the disappointing, heartbreaking, unsettling, uncontrollable things we do NOT have must pale now. 

For we have the richness, family,, the richness of Christ, that which CANNOT be taken away. No matter what.

And I have said for years, a million times, that HE IS ENOUGH.  

Life, Haiti, friends, family, experience, His Word...it's been teaching me for decades that HE IS ENOUGH.

And darn it, He is. 

And I'd better start acting like it.

If He is enough for Haiti, if He is enough for the States, if He is enough for my children...if He is enough in my life, then I've gotta hold onto that healing He's Good Friday'd for. He died that we might be free - genuinely free from worry, free from fear, free from doubt, free from bitterness, free from anger and baggage-living.

Thank you for being so gracious with me these weeks as we've mourned, and I know that process isn't finished. I know He isn't done yet working on healing and trust for lots of things.

But I also know that this is the time to be faithfully, confidently, gratefully, whole-heartedly stepping out on Jesus...Who has never left us, nor EVER ever ever let me down. Who has never left Haiti nor ever let her down. Who is already where we are going, and already has a plan...a good one.

He was there as our "transition plan" was shattered. He was there our wild night of tears and rapid packing. He was there in our non-existent goodbyes and in the lack, He was there our traumatic day at the airport. He was there with Nikki when her father died, He was there with us when we left our friends and home. He was there with Gues when Yasha was born and He is there and here with our families now.  He was with us in Ohio and He is here with us now and He is with us where we are going and HE is the one we are waiting upon.

He IS the plan, the family, the friend, the provider, the healer, the Father, the King, the answer we need. He is the daily bread we're hungry for, He is the living water we're so parched for. 

In such a helpless time of no answers, He is. 

I need not be afraid of scars for my children nor for myself.  They will be a part of our stories and we will use those for Him.  How wounded and scarred He was in the redemption plan of our healing! 

Even when He defeated all death and darkness, His scars stayed, and continued to minister to people, continued to show God's hand on His life, continued to show such great love.

I'm ok with being scarred...just not with being bitter, just not with being stuck, just not with living in doubt or fear, just not with living safe and protective instead of abandoned and free.

I'm ok with being broken...but only in the Healer's hands who allows for it, only for His glory and use, only as a fragrant aroma....not for hardness or sourness or self.  

Isn't pain and brokenness and loss and sin and darkness what He came for? What He died for? Hasn't He Eastered, that I might have new life--not free from pain...not yet...not free from loss, not yet---but free from bitterness and anger and despair, free to be holy and healed, even in painful circumstances?

Who will free me from this life that is totally dominated by sin and death, by sickness and fear, by doubt and pain, by loss and hurt?

Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.  Romans 7

The answer for all the many questions and brokenness is in Jesus... 

...and I know Him.

Our Savior may be scarred. But Easter found Him alive and full of Light and Love and abiding in Trust of His Father.

As I know Him, may I be like Him.  

even now. 

or maybe now, especially.