all on His own

As we can all tell, when things are extra-hard, Stacey extra-writes.  I can lay in bed for an hour and process for peace, or I work through it with the Lord in writing and sleep like a rock.

You are the bystanders in that process, which is sometimes ugly...feel free to read less and come back when things aren't so heavy.

Today, my lesson was simple.

I woke up wrong, and it kept coming wrong.  Worries. Rumors. Concerns, what ifs, and then Maxi popping in my office at 9 to tell me the fuel tank for the Emmaus generator is almost out of fuel, just so I know.

Schools can't begin. Every is afraid. What are we doing to do? What if we can't keep on? Why won't the president SAY something? How is any of this going to change? I've talked to everyone and done everything possible to get fuel, all of ALL our efforts, NOTHING.  We've got hundreds of dollars spent for promised fuel that still hasn't come. What are we going to do? What if, in the middle of all these schools fighting and fighting to get open, the school that has BEEN open has to close? What are we going to do about fuel?

I couldn't focus on my work, I couldn't be positive when Matt called on his way back to the Miami airport, I couldn't laugh when Lucner made a joke about he and Matt fixing Haiti tomorrow. I felt paralyzed and despairing and sick.

My stomach in knots, I banged my hands on the table and subconsciously said out loud, "Lord, YOU are going to have to do something.  You are ON YOUR OWN on this, because I have done my very very best, and it has all been in vain.  If you want it done, if you want Emmaus open, You're going to have to do it yourself."

I swear, as soon as I said it, He made me laugh.

How ridiculous am I? Getting all sick and hot and bothered pretending like I've been somehow HELPING the Lord in some way. Like I'm somehow responsible and ABLE for our staff and students, for my children, for our friends and neighbors and family, like I'm responsible to somehow make fuel appear, like I HAVE been playing a part in keeping Emmaus open and now I'm finished helping God!

My own ridiculous declaration of inability quickly cured me.  

If the Lord will keep us open--and HE ALONE miraculously has, day after day, then He will not abandon us now--the Lord will keep us open. If the Lord will get us fuel, the Lord will get us fuel.  I don't know how. I don't know where. But I DO know that unlike everyone else, HE is NOT searching for it. I DO know that He knows EXACTLY what we need, exactly where it is, and exactly how to get it to us.

My spirit of fear was replaced with a spirit of prayer.  If this is HIS, and it is, then I have NOTHING to worry about (which I'm pretty sure the Bible told me 98 times ago). If this problem is not a problem to God, then it is on Him. As it always was.  If I have done what I can do, then He can do what He can do.

I prayed with genuine trust, and He asked me to stop worrying about the school and the future and to put out the fleece of fuel.  And to trust Him.

I went to staff prayer meeting at noon, and Lucner kicked it off with a hymn, and then asked our staff to share any praises they might have. As I listened to Jodenel stand without crutches and give praise to God for bringing him through his terrifying motorcycle accident, brand new marriage, pregnant wife, working on healing his knee, giving them a safe place to live, bringing him from such a dark place with love and care....

...as I listened to Paulcine praise the Lord for miraculously saving her son from a very-near death accident AND transform him into an entirely different person today, from a punk teenager following his own will to a loving and caring son, following the Lord...

...as I listened to Luke talk about the healing of his son last week in the middle of the night from excruciating stomach pain in the emergency room (you can read his story on the Emmaus FB page)...

...all courageous and vibrant, counting it all joy, I joyfully shared the praise that the Lord is taking care of Emmaus and His children and Haiti.  

I got home as the kids were finishing lunch and gathered up the girls and Ben. We bee-lined for the fuel tank behind the generator house, and we prayed, Ben sucking on a mango and the girls fingering the fuel line. We joyfully prayed for a fuel-miracle, for that which we cannot even begin to see, and we rejoiced that He is faithful.

TiLou came and asked which car to take to go get Daddy.

Our generator needs diesel, but our cars need gas.  We haven't had either in weeks.  One by one, the cars have been run to below empty. Every car in the driveway was done...except one. I have guarded and hawk-eyed that last 1/4 tank of gas in the last car...that 1/4 tank was for Matt to come home. I sent TiLou off, knowing that when he got home with Matt, we would have no more.

Screaming and jumping and dancing children ran to meet Daddy. Radiant and exhausted from a wonderful trip and an unexpected 2 day delay, which meant he got 36 hours with his parents and brother and sister-in-law and niece and nephew in Florida...the gas was done. But Matt was home. And I told him about the final inches for the generator, and he told me we would pray, and the girls told him we already had, and that they could show him where to go if he wanted to pray close.

We happily had Taco Tuesday, and at the end of the meal, Maxi popped in to welcome him back.

As he headed back out into the night a few moments later, he added, "Oh, Stace! By the way...you know that money you gave me two weeks ago for a few gallons of gas, and my friend said they had some and then they didn't and then they found some and then my cousin waited in line for three days and then didn't get any and then there was so much violence at that other place that they had to shut it down?"

Yes?

"Well, my cousin's friend just brought me the jug and the change, so there are 15 gallons of gas in the shop!"

Pay attention.

We have not been able to get one drop of gas in many weeks. We used the last 1/4 tank of our gas at 5 o'clock today and at 6 o'clock today somehow, I don't even know how, we have 15 gallons of liquid gold in our shop.  I don't know anything about Thursday or Friday or next week.  But Junel can go buy food for 150 students and staff tomorrow because there is now fuel for the motorcycle.

If God can get us 15 gallons of gas, today, exactly when we had NONE, then God can provide fuel for our generator, if He chooses. 

Despite the blockades and the turmoil and the corruption. 

Despite the sassy speeches of His ridiculous and loved daughter.

Pray with us for a fuel miracle, for a school miracle, for a Haiti miracle. 

Pray with us, with JOY, for ALL that concerns you and us today, for HE IS ABLE.  

All on His own.