I'm one of those people who talks to themselves.
It's been good for me. It helps me remember a lot more than I would otherwise forget. Often, it helps me calm down and keep it together. Sometimes, it helps me prevent blond moments. Though, I suppose when people hear me talking to myself, they may feel that that IS a blond moment. Hmmm.
But the last few years, it has also been one of the ways the Lord speaks His Truth back to me.
And He always seems to chime in when I get complainy.
Even our three year-old knows that the answer to, "What is one thing that Mommy can't stand?" is "whining."
So yesterday when I tried to pull the "this is not what I signed up for" drama on God, He was graciously quick to no-nonsense respond.
The team and our neighbors and even my children were off again, playing at one of my favorite places with some really special kids. Matt was out with some of my very favorite people in the whole world, talking and laughing and eating.
And I was feeling awful. Again. Still.
I want to do ALL of it. And then some. And then go to bed last. I have serious FOMO, as my friends call it, or Fear Of Missing Out. (except for like before 7 am).
Sitting on the floor, too sick and weak to get up, dreaming of slushies and of adventure and of Matt coming home and of just simply feeling BETTER, I reminded the Lord that THIS bleh was not what I signed up for.
No sooner did I have the words out of my mouth that He responded. Here was our conversation...
Signed up for??? Where exactly did you sign up, Stace? Where is that detailed contract full of great times I gave you for following me that you agreed to?
Instantly I felt ashamed and my attitude shift. You're right. I didn't sign up for anything at all. No adventures, no good health, no fun times.
So why are you here? What are you doing?
Well, I guess I'm just following You. Laid the rest down, and following You.
Did I lay out all the details? Did you agree to any?
So all you signed up for was ME?
It was His final Word that pained my heart.
And have I ever been a disappointment to you?
There have been many times on this journey I have been greatly discouraged. Greatly disappointed. Greatly frustrated. Greatly burdened, greatly broken, greatly hurt.
But I didn't sign up for the opposite of any of that. Didn't sign any papers on happiness and good health and wealth and appreciation and awesome pregnancies and slushies. Not even blue ones.
I signed up--all in--to follow Him, come what may...and this God, this Father, this Friend, this Savior, this Grace, this Love that I have been following has NEVER disappointed me. Has always been and gone and loved and graced more than more than enough.
I didn't sign up for a plan at all.
I signed up for a Person.
Remembering that changes everything.