pathetic. lovely.

I'm tempted to say that I don't know when I have ever felt this terrible in my life.  But of course, I do remember this long stretch of miserable time in 2008 before Lily and again in 2011 before Sofie.  Someone remind me who thought we just had to have a third?

Today has been an all time low, vomiting before I could even get breakfast in to lose, and no matter what I do I can't seem to stop feeling violently and continually ill.

Thank goodness Phil and Emily are awesome team hosts.

The girls have been such champs, playing quietly and not complaining and bringing mom all sorts of gifts.

After church today the girls and Matt walked to Granny's house to see Screamy, the kitten we gave her almost a month ago.  Still Screamy :)

Fortunately for Matt and unfortunately for the rest of us, Matt is heading to Kansas tomorrow for the next 5 days.  I could not have been making it these last few weeks without him and he is, I'm sure, VERY ready for a break from all of the cooking and dishes and helping that he has been so faithful and quick to do.

A slew of great men (and woman!) are heading there, too, spending the next few days talking about the past, present and future of Emmaus and coming around Matt in a big way.  I must say that as I think about Sharon time and Carol time and someone else taking care of meals and people who love and would actively play with my children, I find myself insanely wanting to be going, too.  Additionally (and of course) the only food that sounds anywhere NEAR "good" the last several weeks is watermelon and ice cream, neither of which we can get and both of which I'm pretty sure Sharon would have found me.

Wishing we were going doesn't help me feel any better, and Matt's time will be far more productive and restful without a vomiting wife and two incredibly fun and inefficient children.

So.  We will be here, loving your prayers and for Matt, as well, as he travels.

I'm so thankful that after all these holidays, Gertha and Micheline will start back helping me some this week...I don't know what I would do without them.  Nor without our neighbors, who did not sign up for all the extra loads they are carrying lately, most of them out of great kindness and sacrifice on their parts.

It has been during my pregnancies, more than ANY other time in my life, that I have been greatly stretched in my areas of strength and self-sufficiency.  I can always push harder, last longer, go further...do more, never quit, blah blah blah.  But not when He's making our babies.  My abilities are rendered pathetic, my stamina, pathetic, my push...pathetic.

It always has me wondering what I am worth, what good I'm doing, why He loves me.  How He can love very pathetic, minimally contributing, very vomitty me.

As awful as this period of life feels physically, this is not a bad place to be.  Reminded, all over, that He never DID love me for all I WAS accomplishing.  Nor was the almighty God all that impressed with all I was doing each day, anyway.  Nor was my happy attitude and elbow grease ever winning His favor.

I am lovely for one reason alone, today, and it is the same reason I always have been.

Just because He loves me.

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