the very rare marriage insight

As we wait for Matt to come home on Monday and enjoy helping with Baby Evie this weekend, here's the post I promised on my new marriage secret revelation.


Which is not actually a secret, but has been very revealing.


This does not mean I have ANYTHING figured out, nor that I have now "arrived" in our marriage.  But I DO know that after a few incredibly difficult years--mostly caused by my very well-intentioned, but harmful best-efforts--I am SO thankful for the beautiful place our marriage is now.


Which is why I feel so led to share, in the hopes that something might bring some hope or healing or happiness to someone else's marriage relationship.


If not, you'll now know more of my many faults :)


If you've been married, heard about marriage or thought about getting married, you've probably heard (far more helpful then that "men are from Mars," which we all already knew) that women just want to be loved, and that men are loved by being respected.  


And while I have always felt so much respect for Matt, I never really realized that while I DID indeed respect him, that doesn't mean I was SHOWING him respect in ways that were respectful to him.


During a particularly frustrating and mutually hurtful season of our marriage not that long ago (which I always blame on heat, exhaustion, over-work, lack of sleep, or toddlers) I found myself at my wit's end and went to a very common missionary resource...Google.  Looking back now, what I typed was a ridiculous question for Google.


What do I do when my Christian husband is being a jerk?


Sometimes, when I put in such random inquiries, like "How do I pasteurize milk?" or "could my toddler die by rash?" I mostly get advertisements.  But every now and then, maybe when we are particularly low or  broken, I think God hijacks Google (and other resources) to speak truth into our lives.  

Just a theory.  


But He did.  "Search."


19,400,000 results.  Number one?


Are you respecting and submitting to your husband, even when he is being a jerk? 


Needless to say, that was NOT what I was looking for, because obviously, Matt was the problem I was trying to fix, NOT me.


Also needless to say, that was just what I needed to find.


I clicked away on Peacefulwife's Blog : The Joy of God's Design for Women and Marriage, quickly scanned a list of "What is Disrespectful to Husbands?" The Holy Spirit quickly changed my frustration and blame to conviction.


Her list of like 100 things that wives do that is disrespectful to husbands is a little overwhelming (but if any of this is triggering, check it out!), but here's what opened my eyes in a nutshell to how disrespectful my daily "love" had been:


-telling him what to do or how to do things

-taking control of the marriage or family and not allowing him to fulfill his God-given leadership position

-asking him to do something, and then doing it yourself before he has the chance

-too much helping

-lack of appreciation

-interrupting

-second guessing, lack of confidence

-being too busy to spend time with him

-disagreeing with his parenting in front of the kids

-being critical of his driving

-asking, "Are you sure?" after he's already decided

-making comments about his lack of ability to remember


I realized that as I've been doing these things, usually with good and loving intentions, I have actually been robbing him of the respect he deserves and NEEDS to feel loved by me.  It also became clear that what many of our battles boiled down to were ME trying to CONTROL.


While I SAY I want my husband to be the head of our house, and the leader in our marriage, and while I intentionally married a man who loved God and whom I trust and respect and adore implicitly, I continued to fight for control, continued to try to "help" Matt be the kind of husband, dad, missionary, friend, leader, person that I think he should be...instead of trusting God with Matt, and instead focusing on ME being the best wife, mom, missionary, friend, person I can be.


It had truly NEVER occurred to me that all of the loving, wifely "help" I'd been forcing down Matt's throat might actually be feeling disrespectful (read: not showing him love) to Matt and might actually be ME trying to CONTROL Matt and our marriage!


God, asking me, again.  


Do you trust me? 


This is what the author promised me:

As you cut out the negativity, lecturing, criticizing, controlling, scolding, sighing, scowling, eye rolling, etc… You will begin to become much more the woman you have always wanted to be and that God has always wanted you to be. Then when you begin to add respect and cooperation with your husband’s leadership and the power of God working in you, it is a recipe for miracles! First, God will change you. And as your voice of negativity goes silent, and you begin to praise him, thank him, appreciate him and build him up about the good things, he will be able to hear God’s voice much better than ever and God will use you as a partner to draw your husband closer to Him. You can’t change your husband. But God can. And if you want to see your husband become a godly man, the most powerful thing you can do is become a godly wife.  

And she was right.  I determined that day that I would fight for all I was worth against that list that had become so habitual.  Bite my tongue, close my eyes, stop mid-sentence...WHATEVER it took to stop doing those things, NO MATTER WHAT, and to trust Matt instead.  Trust God with Matt. 

And I can't tell you how much my faithfulness to this goal alone has transformed our marriage, myself, and Matt!  How freeing it has been to RECOGNIZE that I wasn't trusting the Lord in my marriage and to DO SO.  How freeing it has been to realize that I am not responsible for Matt. That I am not the God of our marriage! How freeing it has been to let Matt decide and let it go!  How beautiful it has been to see him shine under my confidence.  

Can't tell you what a joyful and lasting turn it has been for our marriage!  

If any of this sounds familiar or helpful, check out the Peaceful Wife Blog for more ideas like 101 ways to show your husband respect or "when your spouse is wrong" or more on Biblical Submission. I don't agree with everything you'll find or read here, but there sure is a LOT of material and insight that has swapped my perspective for HIS.

I'm also just finishing working through a GREAT book called The Respect Dare that follows the same lines, if you are interested.  If you want to talk or share or if I can be praying with you, I would love to hear from you!

There's so much more I could share or reference, but maybe this isn't resonating with anyone but me!  

So very thankful for Matt.  So very thankful God can even use Google to direct us :)  So very thankful "the jerk" was me.  And I will be SO very thankful when he is home!