{When I have nothing to offer} He uses me.

So, I know I just guest-posted yesterday, but then I was on James' blog, and HE just wrote a life-changing post I've gotta share, too.  James is the super-funny, super-earnest little brother of my best friend, Elisa.  He and his best friend, Jared, are smack in the middle of a 6 month adventure in Indonesia...check this out...

I (James) have learned a lot these past few (almost 3) months. I've learned culture and a little language, I've learned about new religions and I now know how to navigate a motorcycle through a traffic jam without ripping anyone's mirrors off like a ninja. I'm learning about what missions looks like from a new perspective, and I'm learning more every day about Jesus, who this man is, about how he feels about me, about how he feels about the 200 million muslims we live around, and what it means when Jesus calls himself the Light of the World, especially in a place where so many are immersed in darkness. 

I would like to tell you all that I have faced all of these new things with resounding success and flawnessness, with patience and grace....to be perfectly honest though, more than all of these things i just listed, i feel i have learned that I am incredibly and undeniably, a broken person. 

If you know me, maybe you agree, maybe you disagree. Doesnt matter. I can assure you though, I am, at my core, a very broken, and very selfish individual. I was somewhat aware of this before coming on this trip with Jared, but more in a "eeeeh, I guess I could maybe work on a couple character traits here and there that im lacking in a LITTLE bit, but im not all THAT bad..." kind of way. Wrong.

Let me tell you this real quick- if you were ever curious about what your weaknesses were, go live in a foreign country with one of your best friends where it's always hot, you don't understand anyone except that friend, they are your only way of communicating to the other people around you (since you dont speak the language and they do), you share a bed, a bathroom, eat every meal together, share a motorcycle, share money, rice apparently rains down from heaven so you eat it for forever, and in the midst of this, every decision you make and all the plans you have must be decided together, in agreement with each other. All the while you are trying to focus on loving the people around you, loving Jesus, and loving each other. give that a try. You will see your weaknesses and shortcomings and insecurities bubble to the surface real quick.

I like to think of myself as someone who is generally easy to get along with and live with. I like to think of myself as having a strong backbone, a strong will, a love for people, a drive to accomplish, loyalty to those I love, thoughtful, a desire to serve, and a kind heart...of course all positive and lovely things. I think we all like to think of ourselves in a positive light, which is normal, but a taaad biased. 

So when I think these things about myself, and I suddenly find myself annoyed or angry or frustrated or whatever emotion you want to insert, I am SO QUICK to think that it is everyone's fault except my own. Or it's the situation or environment's fault. because I, James Torell, would never be at fault for a disagreement or frustration. It's their fault. I will accept their apology when they offer it. Thank you very much.

As I said. I am, at my core, a very broken person, in dire need of Jesus.So what's your point? Why are you sharing about your personal issues on the internet? Get a journal, man. Easter was this past Sunday. There are so many things to focus on throughout the Easter story, and so many things surrounding the death and resurrection of Jesus to learn from. 

This year, as i have become ever so aware of my shortcomings, the Lord has highlighted the story of Peter and his transformation to me in a very real way (stick with me, im going to tie these together, just give me a minute).  

So there Peter is standing in the crowd, watching Jesus from a distance. Peter, the loyal, outspoken disciple who would just as soon jump out of a boat and walk on water as he would cut someone's ear off before he had a clue what was taking place. Peter, the disciple that you just want to sometimes say,"dude...just shut up and listen for once. stop saying stupid things." He was always the first one to jump at the chance to show his loyalty to Jesus, and he did so with complete confidence in his ability to stand firm.He had just watched his friend, Judas, give Jesus over to be killed. 

My guess, based on his extremely high opinion of his own zeal and loyalty, he was probably feeling pretty good about himself that he hadnt abandoned Jesus after all the others had scattered. He had left everything behind, and for the last three years of his life he was one of Jesus' most fierce and loyal followers. He may have said dumb things a lot, but he was loyal. He would have died before he let them take Jesus away, right?

And here it comes. After all the promises that he would follow Jesus to the end...when it actually counted... denial one.....denial two.....denial three.....then he hears it. The chill that must have run up Peter's spine as he just stood there, naked in his own shame and disgust of himself. He loved Jesus so much, but he just denied him three times in a row. 

In Luke, he says that there, probably just for a moment, was Jesus. His beloved Jesus, beaten, ragged, blood running down his face, body ripped apart- as Peter denied him for the 3rd time and the rooster crowed, he turned and locked eyes with Peter. I'm sure Peter couldn't help himself when he heard the rooster, he looked up at Jesus and their eyes met. Can you imagine what that must have felt like? To look right into the eyes of the one you just denied? Close your eyes and think about that for a second. What was going through Peter's mind? 

After all the promises, all the talk, all the confidence that he would never be the one to leave Jesus out to dry. That look must have shattered Peter. The shame, the betrayal, the utter disgust with himself that must have come with that. I can't even think of a word that can explain what that must have felt like...And what was Jesus saying to Peter in that brief exchange? I can tell you this- I can tell you that Peter found no condemnation in his eyes, and he found no disappointment...I can tell you that what Peter found in that look was infinite love and mercy. 

I'm sure he was searching in Jesus' eyes for what he what he thought he deserved, but instead he found compassionate forgiveness. Jesus wasnt surprised or taken off guard. He even told Peter it would happen. Jesus was already on his way to the cross where he was going to die for the very thing that Peter had just done. Because for the joy set before him, he was about to endure the cross, so that men could be free, so we could be adopted. Because he knew what Peter was about to become, the the ROCK on which he was going to build his church. This weak, shamed-filled man, weeping in his disgust and embarrassment, was about to be raised up to be the leader of the Church. 

This broken man, barely a month later, filled with the Holy Spirit and with the knowledge that Jesus was alive and had conquered death, would stand before the very people who had sent Jesus to his death and proclaim with boldness and authority the name of his King, calling them to repentance to turn and follow the man they had just killed. 

So I just got hit with all of this today as i started reading Acts. I was just like...how in the WORLD is this the same person?? The exact same Peter who couldn't even tell a little girl he knew Jesus, was winning 3000 souls to follow Christ in one day in the city that Jesus was just killed in, healing the lame, stood fearless in the face of those who hated Jesus, and began to build the Church. 

Actually no, not the same Peter. 

This Peter had seen Jesus alive. The same guy that he just buried, but Jesus was alive! He saw the empty tomb, he saw that the grave couldn't hold Jesus, and then he was filled with the Holy Spirit! Like how are you not gonna follow someone that just defeated death?? With that kind of power and knowledge and authority, with the heart of a servant and slave to Jesus, what other option did he have than to tell every single person he possibly could about him? 

There was nothing to be afraid of, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hold him back, and he was ready to give his life for it! Like THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT PEOPLE. Peter GOT IT and he didn't give a RIP about his own life after he encountered the risen Christ, the King! The only thing the disciples cared about was following in Jesus' footsteps, and every single one of them paid for it with their lives.

But I mean come on. Peter?? Simon Peter? That guy led the charge?? Jesus uses the weak. He uses the broken. He uses you. And he uses me. You can look right into his eyes, and you will find a man that doesn't condemn you, but who gave his life for you, that you can be free and have life to the fullest measure. So. Yea. I guess that's what I wanted to say. 

Guys, Jesus is alive, and he is worth giving your life for. There's so many people that don't know.

This nice little flash-back was from 2009 (yep, that's Lily on my lap) when James visited us in Haiti, and we took him on an insane boat/deserted island adventure that in retrospect, was very dangerous.  James was considering here how he was going to save all these small children if the boat capsized, which at the time, seemed VERY likely.