i've offered

Ever need some confirmation?  

Whatever it is.   That your spouse LOVES you.  That you ARE a good friend.  That you ARE a good parent.  That this IS the career for you.  That you WENT where you were supposed to go.  That you ARE doing all that you can.  That you ARE forgiven.  That there is a problem, but it's NOT YOUR problem.  That this WAS the path He had for your life.  That He LOVES you.  Maybe even just that HE IS.

There have been some sweet moments in my life when God spoke and I went, nothing else needed.  

But most of the time, I confess a confirmation problem.  I long for it, look for it, thrive on it.  I'm all about accepting.  All about stepping out.  As long as I've got some GOOD confirmation.  

It took a lot of it to get us to Haiti.  And each little three-week old girl with a suitcase at the airport had me checking Him again.  Sometimes, all it takes is a hard day, a stateside crisis or a bad attitude to have me asking Him again..."God.  This makes NO sense.  What are we doing here?  How can I do this?  Are you SURE?  Make me sure.  Please, God, tell me again.  Tell me again who You are.  Touch my soul again of trust in what you have.  Peace me or release me."

Today, I ran up to the office while the girls were napping to get ready for classes to begin again tomorrow.  I had the classroom building to myself, full of silence and sunshine and almost echoing with the sounds of men and women come and gone and coming...learning, laughing, living life alongside each other and out in that beautiful harsh place that is Haiti.  

The copier stopped working, yet again.  I sat rare by myself, feeling all blessed and conflicted, in silence just as rare, thinking.  Thinking turned praying, as it often does.  

Frankly, for all the times over the last years that we have answered various versions of "What in the world are you thinking?", we have asked it ourselves.  We know it's weird to some of our friends and family that we live life here.  

That we are using up our gifts like this.  Giving out our youth so free.  Spending our best years.  Pouring out in such a place.  Taking our little ones with us.  And we know that sometimes it's hard for people not to take it personally that we choose to live so far from them.  It breaks my heart, every time, every time I hang up the phone.

I understand it makes no sense to others because it often makes very little sense to me.  I don't know what God is doing.  Why does the copier never work?  How much difference are we really making?  

And I don't know how long He'll do what He's doing.  Why is it always two steps forward and three back?  Will the third world EVER have conversation hearts for sale?  Why are so many people still so hungry...still so hurting?  What are we doing here?  How could I ever leave?

I don't know what the future holds.  But I know Who holds it, and without a shadow of a doubt, that He's holding us.

Today, I got my confirmation when in that same silent golden prayerful moment, I stumbled across this song.

And once again.  I'm all in.   


The Long Defeat, Sara Groves


I have joined the long defeat
 That falling set in motion
And all my strength and energy
Are raindrops in the ocean

So conditioned for the win
To share in victor's stories
But in the place of ambition's din
I have heard of other glories

And i pray for an idea
And a way i cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
And impossible to leave

I can't just fight when i think i'll win
That's the end of all belief
And nothing has provoked it more
Than a possible defeat

chorus

We walk a while we sit and rest
We lay it on the altar
I won't pretend to know what's next
But what i have i've offered

And i pray for a vision
And a way i cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
And impossible to leave

And i pray for inspiration
And a way i cannot see
It's too heavy to carry
And impossible to leave
It's too heavy to carry
And i will never leave