prayers and projects

My grandpa had a stroke this morning.  His 90th birthday party is in just a few days, my father is there now, he's in Pittsburgh, showing increasing brain damage with each new test.    

Lily's been telling me all day "Don't be sad, Mommy, Jesus is going to make him ok, and everything's going to be just fine."  

She is right, of course.  But I feel a million miles away from my father's side, from grandpa's side, and that never feels just fine.

I'd love your prayers, for he and my family.  

Meanwhile, the last week of school before Christmas break is upon us--a week of finals and festivities ahead.

The Lord, who both mercifully/graciously AND sometimes overwhelmingly/exhaustingly won't leave me alone, is always working on my heart.

He showed me myself today, and there is work to be done.

I was talking with a friend-student, and together we saw a student across the fields playing soccer alone.  According to me, this student probably shouldn't be here.  He has a lot of attitude.  His pants are always deliberately sagging.  Everyone's always saying that though his father is a pastor, he sure doesn't SEEM converted.  How did he even end up at Emmaus?  Really, should he BE here?

As we were watching him practice, nonetheless, I felt a bit bad to see him practicing alone.

"Go play with him" I told my friend.  "Nobody wants to practice alone!"

"No way," my friend told me.  "I won't play soccer with any of these guys.  These guys aren't the ones who should REALLY be here (at seminary).  I know the people who should REALLY be here, and these 50 guys aren't it.  Besides, when he plays soccer, he says lots of bad things."

I muttered something to him about yes, how hard it is to live in community, and although I know my friend-student to have good intentions I was able, despite all of my own previous and similar judgements of this student, to see that this was not godly talk.  Not a godly attitude.

A few moments later, we were talking about something else, and came to this friends deeper frustration...he doesn't feel like the seminary has enough courses focused solely on cross-cultural missions.  "I want to be a missionary," he shared.  "I just want to GO be a missionary."

And there I was, hearing him, but seeing myself.

It's easy for me to see the problem in someone else.  Here is a good, godly young man who wants to be a MISSIONARY, but he will not play soccer with the punk, he will not dive deep with the other students, he will not minister where he is AT.  He is sure that he knows the heart and calling of everyone around him, can only see their faults, and is confident that he cannot work with them.  He wants to go somewhere else and work with other people, the "real" people...the ones he has evaluated and judged and found to his liking.  

I wasn't appalled at this student, but instead, realized how easily I take, and have taken, on the same disposition myself.  Appalled at ME.

I'm not HERE for saggy drawers and his attitude.  I'm not here to work with "these" guys.  I will decide who should really be here and who shouldn't.  I will decide whom I really should be working with and whom I won't work with.  I wanted a missionfield, but maybe not the one I have.  Want to be a missionary, but maybe not to those around me.  

Missed the boat, Sailor.

I felt, suddenly, sick by my boldness.

The God, who has asked me many a time to let HIM judge, to let HIM decide, has found Himself once again limited by my closed mind and my closed attitude.  (Not of course saying that He is limited, but only that my attitude and perspective and willingness can close doors and limit effectiveness.)  

I have been so bold to judge.  So bold to decide.  So bold to determine myself that Mr. Attitude shouldn't be here.  So bold to tell Him who I'm willing to minister to and who I'm not.  

How many times have I refused to play soccer with the punk, passed over the heart-broken co-worker, walked past the ready harvest, because I am a missionary only for the passionate, eager, sold out, poster child?

If I believe He's put me where He's put me in His sovereignty, It's high time I knock off evaluating everyone, judging who is worthy (often without ever really getting to KNOW the person, to boot), and start facing EVERYONE as my mission-field, as my co-workers, as my family.  Even the ones I didn't pick.  Even the ones who never occurred to me (the lady at the market, the missionaries around me, supporters abroad, perhaps non-believing pastors!) as the ones who might be "my missionfield."

It is far too easy for me to judge every word, every dress, every attitude, ever pre-conceived notion, every heart, without every even knowing what I'm talking about--and even when I do--without the RIGHT.  

This may be the temptation, the sin, the project of my life...

Letting people be HIS to fix, HIS to work on, HIS to judge, and letting my work be to love ALL of those He has brought around me, fully and unconditionally and sacrificially, in the meantime, working with what He has given me....not making decisions about others, but just loving and working to follow His lead...taking a stand against sin, yes, but letting the rest GO.

As tired as I am...this life is so hard and I keep on falling so short!...I'm so thankful He doesn't quit being at work in my life.

James 5:9
Do not complain, brethren, against one another, so that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door.