But, I have some terrible, no good, very bad news to share with you that has been eating me alive.
Next week is my birthday. A big birthday. I'm not going to say it. Just think: "old."
Now, whatever age that makes you think of, that is how old I feel like I'm turning.
About two months ago, I was having some kind of mid-life crises. No motorcycle or tattoo or anything, just feeling way down. Thinking about my life.
And it's not that this is not where I ever thought I would be at this age, or that I feel like I haven't done anything with this l-o-n-g life He's given me.
It's just that I remember being young, and fun, and spontaneous, and tireless, with my whole life ahead of me.
And now.
Well, now I can't sit down in a quiet place between 11 and 4 for fear of falling asleep. The moment someone mentions something happening, I think about how it will interfere with the girls' nap time. Can't leave the house without a suitcase full of diapers, wipes, snacks, toys, Dora panties and the camera.
My idea of "fun" is ten minutes alone to shave. Or Matt taking the girls for 20 minutes so I can make dinner in peace. I look forward to breaking a 6 month old bag of hidden gummie bears out of my drawer.
And my eyes are getting wrinkly. I used to make fun of my MOM'S crow feet and pointy nose, and she said...SHE SAID I was gonna be sorry one day.
And I. Am. Sorry.
I've talked with several people about this upcoming crises, and while I did happily find one sympathetic friend who had trouble getting out of bed the week of his __th, most everyone else has told me that this is a GREAT age, better than your twenties, and I should be thrilled.
I will finally be taken seriously, I will be seen as a legitimate contributing member of society, I am now much more secure and care much less what others think: the age of freedom.
But none of this helped whatsoever.
So, I tried making a pros list:
1) I am MUCH more secure in who who God made me to be and in Him
2)At 20, I was literally enslaved to serious eating/image issues, once controlling everything and now completely forgotten most days
3) The Lord and I have grown much closer
4) At 20, my biggest fear was losing my mom. Now, I have grown so much, and BECOME my mom.
5) I have these wonderful, wonderful children--what a gift--and the precious ministry of raising them in the way they should go
6) I've had Matt in my life for almost 10 years!
7) I care insanely more about what He thinks and insanely less about what others think
8) I am getting to do and be what I feel God's led me to do and be
9) I have good health
...at this point, the list started getting a bit sad, including, "I have my teeth," and "today there is a nice breeze."
The list was good. But it didn't kick my funk.
Nor did it kick my complaining to Him that my life is so far from the fun, entertaining, action packed, glamourous life that somehow I imagined it would be by the time I turned this age.
I mean, I can't even put on some lip gloss and go to DQ for my big day. How lame is that?
And then, God said something to me. Like, I heard it. Dave, you and I chatted once about how God sometimes has to speak pretty harshly to us to get through, and this was one of those "butt-kicking" moments.
I was in those weeks of feeling down, looking at the calendar to schedule another visitor, and realized, quite out of the blue, that my birthday is on Thanksgiving.
And The Still Small Voice immediately whispered,
So. Knock. It. Off.
And you know what? Just as abruptly as the command was given, I DID. The cloud was gone.
Yep. My stinking 30th birthday is ON Thanksgiving. I have my God, His call, His joy, His presence, His peace, my husband, my children and my health.
I have NOTHING but EVERYTHING to be thankful for.
So I'm going to be my-version-of-old. So my clothes are faded and bleach spotted and SKIRTS, and I don't own anything worth more than this laptop, and I live in a dirt road village on the edge of the earth and there will be no "Turning 30 in Style" or "Girls Getaway Vacation" for these crows' feet.
But God gave me thirty for thanksgiving.
So. I. Will.
And it's not that this is not where I ever thought I would be at this age, or that I feel like I haven't done anything with this l-o-n-g life He's given me.
It's just that I remember being young, and fun, and spontaneous, and tireless, with my whole life ahead of me.
Look: Jeans! No wrinkles! No one wiping their noses on my shirt! Having fun!
And now.
Well, now I can't sit down in a quiet place between 11 and 4 for fear of falling asleep. The moment someone mentions something happening, I think about how it will interfere with the girls' nap time. Can't leave the house without a suitcase full of diapers, wipes, snacks, toys, Dora panties and the camera.
My idea of "fun" is ten minutes alone to shave. Or Matt taking the girls for 20 minutes so I can make dinner in peace. I look forward to breaking a 6 month old bag of hidden gummie bears out of my drawer.
And my eyes are getting wrinkly. I used to make fun of my MOM'S crow feet and pointy nose, and she said...SHE SAID I was gonna be sorry one day.
And I. Am. Sorry.
I've talked with several people about this upcoming crises, and while I did happily find one sympathetic friend who had trouble getting out of bed the week of his __th, most everyone else has told me that this is a GREAT age, better than your twenties, and I should be thrilled.
I will finally be taken seriously, I will be seen as a legitimate contributing member of society, I am now much more secure and care much less what others think: the age of freedom.
But none of this helped whatsoever.
So, I tried making a pros list:
1) I am MUCH more secure in who who God made me to be and in Him
2)At 20, I was literally enslaved to serious eating/image issues, once controlling everything and now completely forgotten most days
3) The Lord and I have grown much closer
4) At 20, my biggest fear was losing my mom. Now, I have grown so much, and BECOME my mom.
5) I have these wonderful, wonderful children--what a gift--and the precious ministry of raising them in the way they should go
6) I've had Matt in my life for almost 10 years!
7) I care insanely more about what He thinks and insanely less about what others think
8) I am getting to do and be what I feel God's led me to do and be
9) I have good health
...at this point, the list started getting a bit sad, including, "I have my teeth," and "today there is a nice breeze."
The list was good. But it didn't kick my funk.
Nor did it kick my complaining to Him that my life is so far from the fun, entertaining, action packed, glamourous life that somehow I imagined it would be by the time I turned this age.
I mean, I can't even put on some lip gloss and go to DQ for my big day. How lame is that?
And then, God said something to me. Like, I heard it. Dave, you and I chatted once about how God sometimes has to speak pretty harshly to us to get through, and this was one of those "butt-kicking" moments.
I was in those weeks of feeling down, looking at the calendar to schedule another visitor, and realized, quite out of the blue, that my birthday is on Thanksgiving.
And The Still Small Voice immediately whispered,
So. Knock. It. Off.
And you know what? Just as abruptly as the command was given, I DID. The cloud was gone.
Yep. My stinking 30th birthday is ON Thanksgiving. I have my God, His call, His joy, His presence, His peace, my husband, my children and my health.
I have NOTHING but EVERYTHING to be thankful for.
So I'm going to be my-version-of-old. So my clothes are faded and bleach spotted and SKIRTS, and I don't own anything worth more than this laptop, and I live in a dirt road village on the edge of the earth and there will be no "Turning 30 in Style" or "Girls Getaway Vacation" for these crows' feet.
But God gave me thirty for thanksgiving.
So. I. Will.
Happy birthday, Stacey. You know what my first impression of you was when you and Matt picked me up from the airport? (By the way, I am so grateful that you guys did that in that heat, even though you were tired from your own trip. Thank you). My first impression was in twofolds. One, you were the most beautiful lady I have ever met. Ever. You just radiated beauty. Matt's one lucky guy, and I don't know what you are talking about in mentioning wrinkles and such. Two, after watching you talking to Lily while we were waiting for my luggage to arrive, I easily concluded that you were the best mother ever. I've babysat so many children, worked with so many mothers, but none could compare to you. I noticed how special Lily was, and realized that it was from the way to talked to her, how you engaged and encouraged her...how your love for God overflowed into her life. I learned a lot from your example from that single wait in the car. So, thank YOU.
ReplyDeleteA side note: my first impression of Matt- I initially mistaked him for David Beckam. Hahah... When I heard his sermon on Easter Sunday, and then at Bible studies, I realized from the way God spoked to me through him that Matt was WAY better than Beckam. You guys are great... :) -Danielle
"Happy Birthday, Stacey" is right. What a blessed gift, Danille...thank you. I'm set. His voice topped with your encouragement has me not even caring any more :) Thank you for taking the time...
DeleteS
This is beautiful and God has made you such a beautiful vessel!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honest, open window into your soul--it touches, it teaches.
Happy Thankful Birthday!
Just so you know, I wouldn't have thought you'd be turning __ on Thanksgiving! I'm a few years younger and I understand how you feel. I never thought of life being this day-in-and-day-out sameness. Not that it's bad, by any means no!, but it's not exciting or spontaneous or what a lot of people would call "fun" (except the two monkeys wrestling and giggling behind me as I type).
ReplyDeleteI'd rather also have your mom's crows feet than my mom's bunions! LOL think about that when you think about thankfulness ;)
Inside and out Stacey, you are beautiful!
ReplyDeleteHappy 30th Thanksgiving Birthday!
Knock it off and just enjoy the special day God gave us you!
Love you... Lori
I went through a period around the same time in my life wondering if this was all there was. Two beautiful healthy little girls, a husband who loves me, a full-time job to go to and I was asking myself "is this all there is" and fell into a funk. I was exhausted from trying to balance work and raising two small children. It took my older single sister-in-law to tell me that all she wanted was to be married and have children but that father time was quickly closing the door to having children. It didn't take long for me to pull out of the funk and be thankful once again. Now my children are married and having children and my sister-in-law is still single and over 60 years old. The time your children are this small goes by so quickly but when you are "living it" it sometimes doesn't feel like life will change ever. One day, we were a nice family of four and the next day.....our kids were spreading their wings beyond our house.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your Thanksgiving birthday. Blessings from Canada. Cathy Zavitz