what food poisoning DOESN't have to mean

The men may not care about this blog.  That is ok :)

You know when you have food poisoning?  Ate something, and a few hours later you are utterly helpless, cannot stop vomiting, vomit at even the thought of food, vomit even after drinking water, are exhausted, and cannot think about ANYTHING but feeling better?

Then, you also have a toddler right at your hip?  And everyone/thing keeps telling you to eat, eat, eat because you also are feeding a developing baby?  And you have had this food poisoning EVERY moment since 5 weeks ago?  AND you KNOW without a doubt that you will continue to feel this way EVERY single moment of every single day for another 4 weeks?

And, you can't be mad because you "caught" something, or because you ate the potato salad that had been sitting out all day, because THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

Yeah, we're not talking about food poisoning anymore :)

I can't even begin to explain how very difficult it has been these past weeks of pregnancy to "take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:5).  I do not WANT to let the joy of the Lord be my strength.  Don't want to pour myself out like a drink offering.  Don't have the energy to practice patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control.  I am tired.  I feel terrible.  I can't even keep down my vitamin.  I want to feel BETTER, and nothing else.

What a huge and true "shadow of the valley" time in my life!  I CANNOT go to people's yards and talk to them about Jesus.  I can't even make it to the gate, much less toting Lily.  I had to cancel my Saturday Bible teaching for a few weeks.  I can barely get through teaching in the morning.  I couldn't even take my own dad to the airport yesterday.  How easy it has become to let my thoughts mope into depression...can't do what I love, can't do what I'm here for, can't even run around the house with Lily or cook supper for Matt.

Beyond the physical, this has been an emotional, mental and spiritual battle for me.  Who am I if I cannot do these things?  What am I worth if the house is a mess, Matt is hungry, Lily is watching too much Elmo, and the community hasn't seen my face in weeks?  What am I doing here if I'm not sharing the Gospel?  What joy can He find in me sitting by the toilet, grouchy and tired?

And I guess that this is what it comes down to: He never DID find joy in me because of what I did.  He never DID call me beloved because of my incredible awe-inspiring ability to carry a baby, make homemade bread, teach classes, preach the Gospel, endure the heat, grade papers, and serve up supper.

Have I learned this lesson with you before?  I'm pretty sure this is my 100th blog about how my value is in BEING His child and not in what I do...yet clearly, it is a lesson still not through my thick, sick skull.

If HE loves me like this, helpless and unproductive, then who do I think I am to be so disgusted with myself?  If He rejoices in the quite bathroom floor moments in which I gripe to Him and beg Him for help, simply because we're spending time together, then who am I to despise these moments?  If He gave me this precious gift, as a Father who ONLY gives GOOD gifts, then who gave me authority to be depressed about it, mope about it, or despise my physical and current reaction to it?  (Matt. 7:11)

When will I ever learn that today, sick or well, productive or 'wasted', here or there, is about He and I?  HE and I... that CAN flourish and glorify and praise and please even in the darkest, sickest, loneliest, most unproductive moments?

I have lost 12 pounds, my ability to go out, my Saturday class, my fun play with Lily, the satisfaction of feeding my husband, everything I've eaten, the joy of preaching in the community, a clean house and much of my sense of self.

Must I lose the nearness and preciousness, strength and identity, purpose and intimate relationship of walking daily with Christ?  THAT is a decision I CAN make....may it never be!