all the strings

Our Granny passed away unexpectedly on Thursday night, and since the moment her son Bedeul called on our way home from Bible study, all the strings have felt heavy. We're all so interwoven with those we deeply love. We all bring so much connection to one another, and the loss of one so dear brings pain to so many places, places you even forgot strings were tied to. When we lose one another, the pieces of them woven so deeply within you close, final, and it just hurts in so many places. 

Within weeks of moving to Haiti, I knew Giselaine was our person of peace we'd spent the last two years preparing for Haiti praying for. When we couldn't speak, she carried such a joy...and the joy of the Lord we recognized, and understood. We did NOT know she would be our person of peace, always. That she would eventually be Lily's. Then Sofie's. Then Nora's. Then Ben's. 

She taught us Creole. She taught us culture, always a place we could go with our confusions for gracious and joyful and honest explanation. She taught me to make Haitian food, but made US lunch (and the kids breakfast as well) almost every single day our 13 years in Haiti. She was ALWAYS wanting to feed you, and knew the things you loved the best and always made them. The children learned the way to Granny's kitchen young, and toddled up there to sort rocks out of beans and "wash" dishes at Granny's feet. Sofie, especially, seemed to find her way to Granny's side anytime she was lonely, had a hard day, struggled with a school assignment or needed a friend. Gran was NEVER in a rush. When Mama was busy, Gran would give Sofie a job, and they would sit in the shade, braid or scrub or peel or pick, and Granny would listen to her little heart, and bring joy. 

Her husband drowned when she was pregnant with their third child, trying to get out of Haiti to find a better way for his wife and children, and yet for one so familiar with loss and suffering, she always chose to add everyone around her to her JOY.

She loved my sister. She loved my dad. She loved my husband. She loved my children. She loved me, carried me, supported me, loved me WELL.

She always spoiled Matt like a son. Always had a cup of sos pois or strong coffee or highly sought after organ meat stowed away for him, whether he wanted it or not. She stood for him like a mama, looked out for him always. She trusted him like a son. And for all the many people we dearly love in the world, Matt has only ever called two women Mom. 

It kills us that we haven't been able to see her in so long. It kills us for Haiti, making everything so hard. When we all spoke last a few weeks ago, phone on speaker, always, so we could all hear her voice and all pitch in, she brought tears to my eyes, always...Just because I MISSED her.

Bottom line, since 2007, Granny loved us really well. More than we deserved. And always showed us Jesus, pointed to Jesus, modeled Jesus, spoke Jesus, and chose His joy. 

And we haven't kissed her warm weathered cheeks in TOO long, and the last part of her precious life, when things in Haiti have been very uncertain and hard, and very hard and uncertain for her...we were not there. 

Strings, wound in all the places, pulled tight. 

I did something a few weeks ago I definitely never thought I would. 

I got a small tattoo from Revelation 22:1-5, the passage and flowing river theme I have come back to so many times the past year and a half. 

The angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb. It flowed through the middle of the city, and on both sides of the river, the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit each month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be anything cursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. They will see His face, and His name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light or lamp or son, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever. 

It would be unbearable if Granny were gone. 

But if she is just ahead...if she is standing in the unceasing, crystal water flowing from His throne...if she no longer knows ANY curse of death, of suffering, of broken, of loss, of tears...if she SEES HIS FACE, if His name is on her forehead, if God is her light and her night is no more and she will reign at His feet forever and ever....

If the Scripture declares that rivers of living water flow from His heart...if the life of God is described in His Word as a river, then that river is meant to flow within me, through me.  His glory, His strength, His wisdom, His love, His peace, His JOY, through me. 

The water where Granny splashes...

my feet are in it, too. 

Our strings are tied to the same throne. 

Thank you, Gran, for showing me Jesus. 

Can't wait 'till you do it again.