sick days, grief as an honor

Friends, I've been sicker than I usually get...just as soon as I got all the kids over the hump of colds and coughs, I managed to get it deep. I am still in a congestion cloud, but as you know, the show must go on and we're just pushing.  The extras...the blog, the laundry, the sweeping...have gone by the wayside and I'm feeling it!

We had our first (for the Ayars) Ash Wednesday service Valentine's Day. Without a building, we met in a hotel, and it was a precious time, not just refocusing on our humanity and repentance, but also being with community that is becoming familiar...and the precious gift of Betsy and Robin showing up, yet again, when it really mattered.

Isaiah led us in How Deep the Father's Love for Us, and OH man. Surely it's not the first time I've sung that song, but the words sure hit like it was.  

As Betsy continues her battle with cancer, she somehow keeps showing up for me...really praying, really stopping and stepping into the middle of our chaos, really listening and really sharing from her own life and experience, really walking into the room of strangers to worship with us, Ash Wednesday. So thankful for friends like this.

We made up for date night last night, but ended up in the urgent care with a Matt who is feeling worse instead of better. Sometimes you just feel like you should be over something by now...and it's a hard reminder when you're simply not. 

Since leaving Haiti, this has been a hard dynamic for me to wrestle with. Dad's death, hard cycles, leaving Haiti suddenly, even being sick these 10 days... No matter what other people think, once I have decided I should be over something by now, I'm incredibly frustrated when tears or tissues or heartache remind me that I'm simply not...and cannot decide my way into healing.  

So Lord. Enter and stay with me, bidding me trust your gracious provision for each hour. You are at work within my very woundedness, kindling more eternal yearnings, and I would learn to let you accomplish your sanctifying labors in me. 

Meanwhile, as life has gone on, Lily got to meet with this precious couple from Haiti in a chapel service at school, bringing tears to all of them and to mama at home. Her love and home-ness for Haiti is always so real and deep, and I praise the Lord always for this community, calling and culture engrained in Lily!  They taught the students a simple little Haitian song, one that Lily and Sofie sang every single day in school in Haiti, and hearing it sung around her again in such a different context totally undid my dear girl.

I'm working on getting back among the land of the living...thank you for being friends who walk through the seasons with me!

How Deep the Father's Love for Us

How deep the Father's love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the Chosen One

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the man upon a cross

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed, I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom