The joy of Christmas yesterday for our kiddos was through a filter of darkness for Matt and I. This is the hardest season we have ever been in. Our commitment these days has been to each have our devotional time with Him, and not finish the time until He is finished, until we have found Him, until we have reached His peace and truth. It's made for days filled with reading and praise and prayer and fasting all in between the children and the days' activities, and we're finding Him in the dark.
But yesterday, every time I found Him, a text, an email, a concern, a thought, a fear, a loss, an emotion would settle in, and in moments I was thrown off again, reeling.
Every time we were well grounded in Him before, we have always had a full-time job and ministry (and my dad!). We were grounded in Him, surely, but always there was a safety net, an identity, a purpose, a provision that we had outside of Him.
To be in a truly open-handed season of trust? Man. That is hard, this is hard. Again, for the millionth time, He is asking me if we trust Him, and WE DO. I do. But.
What-ifs plague me. Looking back plagues me. Little injustices and hurts plague me. Looking ahead shakes me. Have you been there?
Something about Christmas yesterday, without Dad, even with all the richness, I just could not keep my head above water internally. I couldn't get there. I couldn't shake the fear of uncertainty. The sickness of disappointing people, or potentially being a disappointment. The holes I can't see Him filling with Himself.
I struggled all day through happiness and joy and cooking and cleaning and playing for the kiddos, with the kiddos, begging the Lord to help me, and finally reaching out to two friends last night to help me.
The story is not over, one wrote, and I realized instantly she spoke truth and a glimmer of hope returned.
Stop it, eyes on Jesus! wrote the other, a splash of cold water when I needed it, and a glimmer of truth returned.
'Cause honestly, there's never been a time when so much noise has clamored for my attention. The devil is all racket, and it's been hard to hear His voice through the thoughts of many and the fears from myself. Have you been there?
Eyes on Jesus....Nothing has changed. Not our worth. Not His plan. Not His purpose. Not His grace.
Eyes on Jesus...He is our peace. He is our goal. He is our rock. He holds our losses, our past, our present, our future, our children.
Eyes on Jesus...His throne is not shaken, He sits unchanged, and our hearts, despite this impossibly hard season, have never stopped seeking and searching and loving Him.
He is good, He is ours, He is for us, and He has good gifts for His children, and He is not finished, eyes on Jesus.
While Christmas can make the hard things feel harder...it's "Eyes on Jesus!" to its very core. Every shepherd and wise man gathered 'round reminds me. And the Jesus we are fixed on has come and is HERE.
I keep finding my hands full of worry and doubt and sadness, and I'm just bringing Him one burden after another, again and again. It is a battle, dear ones, and we are fighting it. We are clinging to Him. He has won this battle, and eyes on Jesus, we are going to, too.
If you're in a dark night of the soul with us, I am lifting you up and trusting Him with you!
💙
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