called by His name

 "It's like there are all these unspoken rules that everyone knows except me, so I keep messing up and keep getting laughed at or scowled at or corrected, and I don't know where all these rules are printed. I wish I had a copy. I miss home, I miss understanding, I miss being understood" my Haiti-girl confessed through her tears last night on the stairs, and I couldn't help but feel the echo in my own soul.

An hour before Matt had teared up himself at bedtime when Ben started to cry, "I wish Grandpa hadn't gone to heaven. I want him here with me. What if you and mommy go to heaven, too? I want to be four forever, when Grandpa was here."

Just last week, it was circulated with unkind edges around school that our woven-in girls aren't biological Ayars, a complicated truth they had wanted to keep for themselves. The many unkind comments and questions, the insensitivity of middle schoolers, the pain and embarrassment and frustration of our girls...

This parenting thing is just. hard.  My fastest path to being undone is the pain of my children, and it's been a serious effort these days to give them to the Lord. To hold their pain and pass it on to Him. To sit with them in their tears and not have an answer, not have a fix, to have tears of my own over all the same things. 

Lord Almighty, or Lord of Heavens Armies, they are fitting titles for our God of Battles. If He is, then it must be a fight. I sure feel like I'm fighting most days, don't you, or weary like we have been?

I'm in Jeremiah right now, being reminded to dress yourself for work and not to be dismayed, reminding myself that we become what we go after. Reminding myself that the Lord is in the midst of us, reminding myself that He's potter, and I'm clay.

How easy it is to fall into the cultures and rules of the day, how heavy the pressure for MORE, to keep up, to fit in, to look "right" more than be it.

All I've got for these kiddos or for me is His prevailing strength. All I've got is an upsidedown God who died for man, an outcast Jesus who didn't do things like anyone else. All I've got for them is the Solid Rock to lay their heads, a not-yet home to call home, a bigger reality to call truth. All I've got for these dear ones is hope in Heaven, is woven-in God's children, is a God who sees and understands. 

Your words were found, and I ate them,

and your words became to me a joy

and the delight of my heart,

for I am called by your name,

 Lord, God of hosts. 

Whatever you're battling, whatever's overwhelming you and threatens to make you come undone, be strong. Do not give up. The strength that prevails is in Him. It's just His strength. And He's offering it to us, offering it to those who are single-hearted.  

These days of children feeling shattered-of-heart, of feeling pulled in so many directions, there is relief and help and strength and peace ONLY in cherishing God above any approval, above any fitting in, above any busy-ness, above any vacation or event or outcome. Turn from the things of the world that seem to offer life or peace, but actually wear us down and keep us distracted. 

I've got one place to point these dear ones, one place to go myself, and it just so happens to be the only place they need not battle themselves, where we need not rely on any of our own plans or strength. I am so, so glad they are not depending on ME, but Him...as I hold on with my whole heart.