the whole way down

These are the hardest days. 

We grieve the whole way down.

Every time I think it can't get any harder, that he can't get any closer, he suffers further, and the ugliness of death just keeps digging deeper. 

I know the moment Dad sees Jesus, this will all be forgotten, finite, finished, nothing.

For him.

But while the rest of us wait to join him someday, the pains and heartbreak of watching the long, drawn out suffering of a dearly loved one will remain with us. Him not here will be present with us, always. Missing him will be with us, every day until we're free. 

We grieve the whole way down.

I gathered all the grace and strength He's given and shared at WBS's board and donor dinner last night, taking Matt's place while he continues to faithfully and lovingly take mine.  It was through suffering the death of my mom that Matt became my friend twenty years ago...never dreaming that exactly 20 years later, that friend would be walking my dad to Jesus. Through unspeakable suffering in Haiti we saw and experienced His continual and miraculous and sanctifying work. Through the sudden death of WBS's president and the pain of the WBS family, the Lord brought us to WBS. Through the hard experiences of these last months...gathering suffering children not our own, bringing a baby into the world through great pain, walking through Nora's pain and suffering and confusion these past months...the Lord has entered into our pain, grieved with us, and continued to shape us more like Him. Our Lord, in His suffering, somehow defeated death and bridged the gap between us and the Father. 

It must be then, I shared, that in a lost and dying and confused world, brothers and sisters living out radical faith and shepherding the suffering to Jesus must be sacred and the most vital of work. Coming uncomfortably alongside others in their suffering somehow furthers His sanctifying work...and so it is the work of WBS...the work of Emmaus...the work of us each, to run TO the sound of pain instead of away from it.

So many have modeled this so well to us this season.

Every time I think death and loss could not sting any deeper, it burrows.

And we grieve the whole way down.

But however deep and dark this goes, we've yet to arrive at a place where He is not.  

Nor will we.