the treasure

Tomorrow Matt heads back to Florida for an accreditation conference. He's gone a few days and then meets us in Nashville as the crew and I head North. We're breaking the 12 hour drive into two days...waiting for the girls to get out of school and then doing what we can. Baby girl is no fan of her carseat, but I am SO thankful for "the party bus" that means we can take one, not two cars, on this road trip (though everyone liked to ride in the car Emma was NOT in :).  You can pray for all that. Dad's memorial is Saturday morning in Ohio.

The only time there is any peace is when I'm in His Word. 

I'm a stubbornly content person, and usually I can find His peace all over the place. But right now, the only rest, the only peace, the only answer, the only light to my path is when I'm in His Word.

Sunday morning, I needed that far more than community...usually my favorite form of worship and seeking the Lord.  Matt bravely took six of the kiddos to church and to lunch and gave me three hours alone (one baby--when you have 7--counts as alone). I determined right away not to clean (this was no small feat), not to organize, not to get ahead on the week, not to cook, but to sit with the Lord. I lit the fireplace, got the baby down, sat in the sunshine and read and journaled and read and prayed and cried and read and worshiped. 

I am so grateful that we serve a God who is both on the throne, and also by the fire...a God who has something to say...something powerful, something personal, something from long ago and exactly for this moment...something living and breathing and transforming.

I can't call my dad. But the words of my Father are rich in mercy and unfailing love. They speak peace and invest genuine hope. They are my light and my salvation, they meet me where I am and guide me in the best way.

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;

be gracious to me and answer me!

You have said, "Seek my face."

My heart says to you, 

"Your face, Lord, do I seek."

For my father and my mother have forsaken me,

but the Lord will take me in.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and let your heart take courage

wait for the Lord.

A few weeks ago, we were sitting around the dinner table, all the kids and I, talking again of Grandpa and heaven.  The girls were all thinking of people they were excited Grandpa would soon meet.  Famous people. Historical figures. Family members. Lady Jane and Beth's husbands. Claudin's wife and Micheline's daughter. Grandma...lots of talk about the grandma they've never met and always longed to.

Finally, I said, "Those reunions are all going to be so sweet, but that will be a minor focus compared to the presence of Jesus. Grandpa will be so full and in awe and complete by the presence of Jesus!"

Ben had been wanderingly in and out of the conversation, and suddenly he just LIT up, and exclaimed joyfully, "There's gonna be PRESENTS???  I KNEW there were gonna be presents in heaven! YEAH, Baby!  Jesus gives you PRESENTS!"

We were all laughing through our tears at our boy who LOVES celebrations, holidays and gift giving more than anything in the world. 

But the Lord reminded me again yesterday that His presence IS the treasure...not just for my Dad, but for me. Not just in heaven, glory hallelujah, not just at my alma-matter in the middle of a powerful revival with thousands of people...but in my living room. On the floor. In tears. In my pajamas. Again.

His presence IS the treasure, and my mom and my dad and I share it, them on forever holiday and me, on the other side of the gate, still at work.

In His sweet presence, we find joy and hope and healing according to His great mercy and unfailing love.

And as much as I love and ache for my dad this season, I keep calling him, and he will not answer. I need him, and he's let me down. I long for his presence in our lives, and instead he wore out and failed and broke my heart.

What sharper than death to remind us that even the nearest and dearest will fail, all our hopes and dreams and comforts, all the treasures we store up on earth.

There is only One who will never let me down, who will never fade, who will always love me true and perfectly, who will be my rock in every season, who saves all us messy ones and redeems all the messes, who takes all this broken and will one day make it somehow no longer true.

His presence is the treasure. 

And I'm leaning in.