Good Father

 The Lord is gracious and merciful,

slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.

The Lord is good to all,

and His mercy is over all he has made.

I'll never forget this impossible weekend. I wanted SO many things.

I wanted all the kids to be happy and safe and having fun. I wanted to have good time with my dad, and I wanted to give him peace and comfort. I wanted to be fully present. I wanted good time with my sister. I wanted to be a good friend to Cindy. I wanted to say everything I wanted to say, but also only say uplifting and loving and comforting things, whatever those might be. I wanted to get on the plane at the end and know somehow I did it "right".

Before I even got there, I realized that Grand Expectations Stacey was already setting up for failure. What in the world was even "right"? What do I SAY? How do you DO all that? And dad was in such agony, so sick, that even a conversation seemed impossible. When Sharon (who lives four hours from Dad's condo) picked me up at the airport, I was bawling, Emma was bawling, and I felt hopeless and despairing and heavy.

The Lord is faithful in all his words

and kind in all His works.

The Lord upholds all who are falling.

It was an impossibly hard weekend, but I am home again this afternoon with nothing but a heavy and full heart.

I don't know why, at 20 and 40, I have watched the slow, agonizing dying of my mom and now my dad.  I don't known why the Lord has allowed that for my family, but He showed me in dozens of unmistakable ways this weekend that He cares about us and is here.  

Sharon took care of Emma, me popping in every 3-4 hours to feed her, allowing me to care for her and to be fully present with dad...and allowing me to have priceless moments with my dear friend, long, praying and showing up friend.

One morning dad was too sick to get up and Cindy was resting, so Lisa and I had breakfast together. It hasn't happened in YEARS, just the two of us. We're not sure it has EVER happened, and it was SO good and so sweet. 

Things are so uncertain with dad that Lisa's husband Adam came for part of the weekend, and time with him was so good, and he finally got to meet Emma and Sharon.

The stress and heart-brokenness of the past weeks had taken its toll on all our relationships, and there were several sweet and sincere moments of reconciliation, love and forgiving.

Cindy hadn't been able to go to church for months, and because we were all there, Lisa and Adam were able to stay with Dad, and Sharon, Emma and I were able to go to church with Cindy...so rich and good.

Morgan took the four girls to a weekend at their lakehouse with her four kiddos, and they all had SUCH a good time. Matt, Nora and Ben made tons of great memories, too, nerf wars and friend time and playplaces and goodness.  I never worried about one thing on the Homefront...such a gift.

We were confident upon arrival that Dad was going to end right back in the hospital, and instead the whole time I was there he was home. When Dad couldn't talk, we sat and watched golf together, something we haven't had the time to do in years and years. When he couldn't take his head from his hands, I got to scratch his back. Lisa got to hold his hand and help, Adam and he watched some football. When he struggled with hallucinations and nightmares, we got to hold his hands and pray over him. When he worried about things that aren't tied up nicely, we were able to promise him we'd persevere.  

When he was too exhausted to sit up, I got to tuck him into bed, and kiss his head, and the Lord helped me in lots of little ways to say how glad I am to be his daughter, how much he has given me, how loved he is. When I told him how glad I was we came, he had a clear moment of "I am so glad you are here" before he drifted into peaceful sleep. 

One evening he wanted to see Emma, and while he couldn't hold her, she fell asleep in my arms and he just watched her precious face with such love and mesmerization, I'll never forget. He dearly loves his precious grandchildren and they will always have his heart.

When we couldn't hardly handle our aching hearts yesterday afternoon, Dad and Cindy took naps, Sharon watched over sleeping Emma, and Adam, Lisa and I got an hour in the sunshine at the beach to walk and talk and cry some more. 

And yesterday evening, all the pressure I was feeling to somehow say good-bye WELL, the Lord orchestrated better. Lisa was telling a hilarious old vacation story, and dad laughed out loud with us. We all laughed together, over dumplings and Boosts, and when Adam and Cindy joked about how much Lisa and I are like him....stubborn and cheap and never resting...he said with a grin, "Well, it's not like I went and begged Matt and Adam to please marry you girls. They came to me!" Emma graciously went down for Sharon so I wasn't torn away from our last evening together, and after the best time we'd had all weekend, Dad was tired. We all prayed together, prayed for all the things concerning him and thanking the Lord for his kindness in making us a family, and when he got up to shuffle to bed, we each got a real, shaky, bony, priceless hug. 

The Lord is righteous in all his ways

 and kind in all his works. 

The Lord is near to all who call on Him.

I don't know why we have, at young ages, watched the slow, agonizing dying of our mom and now our dad.  I don't known why the Lord has allowed that for my family, but He cares about us, and He is here.

It will be enough, the Good Father of us all.

Psalm 145