as promised.

Here it is. The Lord has kicked my butt to a new heart. 

I've been asking for one.

Never comes the way you think. 

I've been kind of stuck in a bit of a spoiled brat funk.

My dad did all the stuff he was supposed to do, awful stuff, and he still has cancer.

I worked hard for my old communities, again and again, and now I miss them.

He seemed to clearly lead us to this new home, but He hasn't sold our old home.

"Everyone" else has been traveling, vacationing, beaching, and I am stuck. 

Losing the baby weight at 39 has been a lot harder than 29.

Up all night with sick babies at 29 (three of them) was a lot easier than 39 (and seven of them), too.

Seven kids and a very busy husband mean I have zero moments for myself. 

Uprooting again has me missing Haiti terribly, and I see no possible way I can get there this season, which even typing makes hard to breath.

My peers have hobbies and jobs and talents and fun earrings, and I have baby throw-up on my shirt and a 2 month old with RSV and kiddos with complicated trauma-rooted behaviors, a passionate four year old, the most stubborn 7-year old God made, and four adolescent girls. 

My bonus girls have such hard questions and so few choices, and I have no answers and no voice in their situation...such an awful helpless place to love from.

You get it. My attitude. It's ugly. 

My headspace knows to be so grateful. My memory knows to trust Him. My feet know to walk by faith. My fingers know to count my blessings.

But my heart-of-hearts sits souring instead, my quiet moments brimming with tears instead of praise. 

Then three intersessions in 24 hours unclench my grip on the self-pity that so easily poisons. 

1 - I take six kids to four schools Friday and have coffee with a friend I haven't seen in months and months. She is in a very hard place of hurt and healing and waiting and questioning,  hot tears just pouring  down her incredibly humble and open-book face. She knows of His deep love for others, but struggles to embrace it for herself. She knows He has a plan but can't seem to find it. She knows there must be reasons for this painfully blank space, but she sure can't point to them. 

I sip my coffee and bounce raspy Emma and hurt for her because she is hurting, all the while having the gift of an outside perspective. I can see VERY clearly and with no shadow of doubts that He has GOT this, He has GOOD for her, she is ridiculously loved by Him, she need only be still and be loved and wait upon Him.

THE truth is SO clear to me for her. I felt her deep angst with TOTAL peace for her because I see Him and trust Him in her life.

It hits me with the espresso. 

Why don't I see the same truth FOR ME?  And can I not simply CHOOSE it, even when I don't feel it?

2 - I get home to speed clean, only one kiddo for a few hours and Matt's dad on his way to visit for the weekend. I call another long-neglected friend (this has been the season of friend neglect...I hate that. I'm sorry :(.  She starts to fill me in and her words choke, again and again. Several drastic and painful moves have been forced upon them the last few years...homes they didn't want to buy in places they didn't want to live doing jobs they do not want to do. I'm fighting to be grateful, she says. I'm trying to be content. 

They are in some hard, bad places coming from some equally hard, bad places the last several years, and I am instantly convicted by her battle to be grateful for situations she shouldn't be grateful for...when I haven't really been battling, at all, in a good situation coming from a good situation. I'm in an amazing home that fits our family and have rich and good community, church family, and friendships, and I have been moping over the losses instead of marveling at all the ways He has provided. I felt sick for and proud of my dear friend...and most sick and ashamed of my own mopey-ness. Seeing it for what it is instantly caused it to disappear. 

3 - A dear friend of a third dear friend gave birth same week as me. Knew baby had lots of physical problems and without a miracle, wouldn't live long. Today Emma's almost three months, but her baby's been with Jesus a month, and she wrote  painfully and eloquently of the complications of her deep grief...her longing to be going through some of the very things I am currently complaining about. "I should be a sleep-deprived newborn mom, cleaning up blowouts and dreading the upcoming 4 month sleep regression. I'd rather navigate that than this grief any day" she writes, and her broken heart hits unspeakable. 

It is not that  "it could always be worse" and that means I will now therefore get over myself.

It is that in three moments, three friends, He reminded me that He is faithful, He can be trusted, and that He is carrying us through.

I walked into the dawn this morning with a crying baby in a squeaky stroller in a strange neighborhood, and gave Him all the things I am waiting on...and realized that alongside these dear sisters I'm praying for, what I'm really waiting on isn't a certain result. It's just HIM. 

Circumstances unchanged, I feel like a very different mama...

When our eyes are fixed on Him - truly - peace replaces all our doubts, worries, comparisons, complaints and fears. 

It's all on Him. And He can be trusted.

So, today I'm not waiting on a trip or a ruling or a healing...not on losing 15 lbs, nor a moment for myself, not on a buyer for the house, nor for this new neighborhood to feel like home, nor a chance to get home to Haiti. 

Instead, today, I'm waiting on Him.

And as promised, He renews my strength.