treasures

When I look back on the last seven days...it's been a really big week.

Last Sunday night I was up with our bonuses, hearing their fears, having no answers, praying for His best. 

And it's been a gamut of emotions since then, for all of us.  What was supposed to be a long weekend several months ago has turned into something far more costly, far more complicated, for all all of us. What started as a small, risk-free leap of faith has turned into a lot more. 

God showing up Monday in court strong and clear has not meant that anyone has found it easy...or that there are no more questions, and if anything, having some finality has also been a big loss after so many years of hoping. Realizing that this is life now...not just an extended week or two...has been weighty on all of us. 

Emma showing up Tuesday, strong and clear has not meant that anyone has found that adjustment easy, either, though all nine of us agree that that adjustment has been sweet through and through (even long nights for mama.)  

This week we have more home studies and baby check-ups, one girl who needs clothes and supplies for arts camp and one who has gymnastics the same time as our meeting with the social worker.  One girl has braces appointment and another desperately wants them, and Nora's teeth are all wiggly, and one girlie doesn't have any. 

Dear Matt won father-of-the-year today, taking three of them to see a famous actor from Harry Potter, and the grins, giggles and tweenager delight of the day mixed with Ben wanting terribly to sword fight and Nora NEVER putting Emma down just has me feeling the need to be so many things, while trying to have grace for the woman who just delivered a baby a few days ago, managed eight loads of waiting laundry Saturday and is already kind of all over the place. Yesterday was dad's birthday, and as rich as I feel to celebrate him, seeing him mid-radiaiton-state on FaceTime and hearing the struggle and genuine suffering of his current season is enough to undo me entirely.

Once again, coffee, sleep, quiet...none of them are able to sustain or supply, and as two watched Jungle Book today, I fell into my chair to nurse and pulled out My Utmost for His Highest and was freed again by the simplicity of His Word and O. Chambers reflections of it.

Prayer.

It is the practice of drawing on the grace of God.

The grace we had yesterday will not be sufficient for today...but you can always count on it being available to draw upon as needed.

One of the greatest proofs that you are drawing on the grace of God is that you can be totally humiliated before others without displaying even the slightest trace of anything but His grace. 

How much I want this proof to be evident in my life. 

And finally: 

Never hold anything in reserve. Pour yourself out, give the best you have, always be poor. Never be diplomatic and careful with the treasure God gives you.

The securities and boundaries I want to protect, the considerations and calculations I want to make and plan for, the graces from before that I want to keep using again and again, the answers I want before pouring out any more...none of that is a life abandoned to Him. 

As I pray these days, almost continually..., it is the practice of drawing on the grace of God, that only His grace would be evident in my life. As I let go, again and again, and try to disciple these dear ones in open-handedness to Him, I am clinging to those words of being empty to the world and full in the Lord: Pour yourself out, give the best you have, always be poor.

He has given me so many treasures, most of all in Him. Praying I can give them back as freely.