I spent the first five months of pregnancy absolutely beside myself, because I knew we couldn't handle one more thing, and here was this massive, overwhelming, forever one more thing. I knew I was at my full. I knew I didn't have what it took. I knew it wasn't in my plan, and I knew that my plan was better.
And here we are, 37 weeks full term, waiting for baby any moment, and there are six kids waiting for her instead of four. How in the world does the Lord do this stuff? How in the world was I so overwhelmed by the thought of a baby 6 months ago, and somehow now have what I need, one day at a time, to have two additional kiddos, two kiddos with broken hearts and complicated fears and six kiddos with so many precious needs?
How in the world did He do such a work of preparing my heart, of bringing me through that dark, overwhelmed place, to having me where I said I'd NEVER be, doing what I'd say I never could do, stretching me to my very last fiber, and then meeting me there?
How is it we told Him a hundred times, 13 years in Haiti, that if there was a child who needed us to be their family, to make it clear and we would do it...and it never happened once, and then when we're here and our family is beyond full He reminds me of our promise?
How in the world did He get Matt here? From one new girl coming to three? To being at peace, to bringing peace, to loving well, to stretching, to teaching and loving the fatherless, to more?
Matt's been gone a week now and trying to get home still tonight. Last night we all went an outdoor concert with the Mississippi Orchestra, this afternoon we spent at the pool, and tomorrow we head to a friend's lake house after church for 24 hours...just the packing for which almost killed me.
But the bedtime conversations...first Nora and Ben and songs, then The Horse and His Boy with C.S. Lewis and the four girls, then listening and learning and loving as Lily and Sofie reflect and pour out their hearts and prayers from the day, then sitting on the edge of the guest bed, no longer available for guests, listening to two more pour out their hearts and prayers and thoughts and memories and fears...by the time I get to bed, far better work has been done in that hour-plus of bedtime shepherding than I've done all day on the endless laundry and dishes and floors.
Ah, friends, I'm not really saying anything. Just reflecting how the Lord will change us if we're willing, and will use us if we're plan-free, will help us and see us either way.
I don't know that learning to swim or bedtime stories will change anything for these dear ones. But I have to believe that HIS LOVE poured out again and again and practical can change whole trajectories, as it did mine. I have to believe that He can provide His patience, His help, His strength...His people...to be ENOUGH, as it is somehow being sufficient for me.
I have to believe that the places I'm lacking, He can fill...that the places that are broken, He can redeem, that the places that are short, He can miraculously lengthen.
I have to believe it because HAITI. I have to believe it because the world...beecause ME. So I've got to believe it for them, for all these precious kiddos, and another on the way. I have to believe it because YOU, He's using you and wanting to, today and STILL.
Whatever it is for you tonight, cling on and take another scary step of faith.
He's not done...don't miss out on the stretch.
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