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Matt's at the New Room Conference in Nashville with several co-workers, and mama's holding down the fort with several sniffy kiddos and a full schedule. 

I'm on the struggle bus these days of wanting to find in places and people what I'm only going to be satisfied by in HIM. Wanting to feel the things that only the Lord really, fully meets. Wanting to hear the things that only His still small voice actually resounds enough.  

The things I am sure I so badly need are not--when I unpack them--HIM at the bottom of the box.They're other things, shallower things, less-satisfying affirmations, alternative loves and peaces that warm, but not FILL. Good things that quickly become worthless idols. 

I think I am abandoned to Him, only to realize that all the bangs and bruises on my shins are coming from tripping over all the things I'm still holding on to.  

I think I've been crucified with Him, bearing my cross, only to hear my own complaints over the injustices and pains drown out the hammer.  

I think I'm ready to be poured out, fragrant unto Him, only to be frantic over the potential pinch of being poured, souring my scent. 

I think I'm trusting Him with every hope and dream and desire and loved one, only to realize I'm clenching my teeth and my fists on the corners, hoping to somehow pave the way myself, in case He fails.

What I really want to be is empty-handed and fully reliant, at His feet and ready to be them. 

Lord, bring me there.

A few of you have shared precious, painful requests for prayer with me these past few days, and I'm so grateful to know how to pray and to BE praying. My brother is far from the Lord and in trouble... I would so appreciate your prayers for he and his family tonight.

Those things that are just eating us up tonight--weighing on our souls, springing to our eyes, troubling our spirits--are they the Lord? Is it the Lord we're battling for? Is it the Lord we're determined to find, more and more? 

Or are we struggling tonight with far less, far less than He ever intended?