quiche again.

"Quiche, AGAIN?" Lily groaned yesterday morning at 7 am breakfast with a overly dramatic sigh of disdain.

With three (awesome) visitors for breakfast and an 8 am church service looming, I'd stayed up Saturday night shredding potatoes and whipping eggs and chopping peppers, onions, tomatoes and ham, and then gotten up early Sunday morning to get it all in the oven, get myself dressed and ready, get the table set, and to make sure we could all be out the door early.  

Quiche AGAIN?

I wanted to death stare her.  Ground her.  Make her do all the dishes.  Never make her breakfast again. Give my normally sweet and sensitive girl a lengthy devotional lecture on gratitude. Most, I wanted to cry.  Because to top off the beautifully browned cheddar cheese, it was Mother's Day, and Mother's Day brings out the very worst in me.

One, I miss MY mother, and it feels like every person in the world is with their mother and celebrating their mother and spending time with their wonderful mothers except for me.

This, of course, is a lie.  

Most days, I feels so utterly grateful to have HAD my mother, to still have her in my mothering and to see her in my children and sister and nieces, most days I feel SO GRATEFUL to have a few precious women in my life who have miraculously chosen to mother me, to have dozens of women in my life who INSPIRE my mothering.  

But on Mother's Day, suddenly, that grateful turns sour and I turn to what I DON'T have, which I'm gonna say it straight and true, is absolutely choosing the sin of self-pity and the sin of inward-focus over the command of gratitude and the posture of contentment.

But beyond missing my mother, of course, is that sudden-one-day-a-year lie that TODAY of all days, Lily should be GRATEFUL. That TODAY I shouldn't have to patiently speak to her about her heart and attitude, that today shouldn't be about discipleship, that today I shouldn't have to do anything I don't want to do, but that TODAY should be all about ME and that I should be greatly APPRECIATED and waited on and loved on.

This, of course, is also a lie.  

It's an ironic lie, because one of the great beauties of motherhood is the refining, constant, faithful work of the Lord in rendering us selfless, sacrificial, grateful, reliant...the work of the Lord through His little children in reminding us over and over and over again that it is NOT about us, isn't supposed to be, and that what we pour out with joy and sacrifice upon the discipling of our children is a beautiful fragrance unto HIM.  AND brings joy!  Motherhood IS that it is NOT about us, not about being appreciated, not about being served....but about serving and about clinging to Jesus.

I hate that on a day when I should be the most grateful of all...the beautiful gift of being His daughter and being the mother of 3+ precious children of His and being the wife of a fantastic father...that it is SUCH a temptation for me to be serving with a frustrated heart, with a heart set on myself, with a heart focused on what I DO not have and how I AM not appreciated.

I had to spend some tearful time last night asking the Lord yet again to create in me a clean heart, to forgive me and to help...and I am so thankful that He does.

If yesterday, or anyday, were about what I deserve, it would be a whole heck of a lot worse than attitude at breakfast and lots of dirty dishes.  If there is anything beautiful or beneficial or successful in my mothering, it is 100%, pure and simple, because of Christ and by His grace.  The only parts of motherhood I can claim for myself are NOT the parts that merit celebration...but the short-fuse days, the missing-an-opportunity-days, the sour-serving days.

Next year.  Next year.  

And today.

Today, I am grateful again for another chance and for Jesus in heavy times, mothering me and my quiche again? attitude with grace and patience and great love, for precious precious children who stretch me to Jesus.

And I'm thankful for this crew...even though we only got to overlap with Uncle Martin for a few hours.  Having some precious time with Uncle Don, Sami, Uncle Martin and Drew and the girls on Saturday was a gift!  God's brought so many amazing people into our lives, and I love when we get to put some of them together.  It totally looks like we coordinated colors for this photo :) 

Today is a full-day of office work and meetings, trying to get things ready for being gone for 5 weeks, and tomorrow is staff-end-of-the-year-and-CETA-accredidation party day!  I know I'll have some fun photos from our beach day :)