The week nothing was working but Him.

Everything that could have gone wrong this week went wrong this week.

Started without Matt and with Lily vomit.  Then Sofie got sick, then I got sick, and there were moments of feeling so miserable and feeling so miserable FOR my little miserables that I may have over-dramatically mentioned death several times, at which point Matt always sweetly chimed that I wouldn't.

Then my computer--our calendar, my emails, all our photos, our videos, my stories, all my contacts, all my teaching materials, recipes, all of it, EVERYTHING--crashed.

Wouldn't even start.

Tried everything and then some, and finally after several days tried crying.

Which didn't fix it.

Of course, this led to a lot of other things going wrong...couldn't close the January EBS books because I couldn't access my files.  Couldn't email the girls' doctor because I had NO email addresses.  Couldn't send a thank you letter because the address was lost in my contacts.  Couldn't edit a photo for a VP because my editing program was lost, couldn't tell anyone what time Rod was coming because it was in iCal.

Then, despite my cancelled child care, we had a great Bible study Wednesday, at which point we were finally able to announce to the field our annual spiritual retreat speaker.

With 15 adults and 15 kids going the first week of March, this is always a big deal.  It is our only field getaway, the only more-than-2 hour-time slot we spend together all year.  And while other members of our team find the place and plan for transportation and all, it is Matt's job as the guy who leads our weekly Bible study to find a speaker.

We've had some great ones in the past, but this year, every single person we asked couldn't.  The dates were no good, family issues, health issues.  We had a great list of people and no. one. could. do. it.

But finally last weekend (with March 1st VERY quickly approaching) we had a great positive, and by Wednesday, we were finally ready to tell everyone.  Retreat WAS going to happen, we had a GREAT speaker after all, GET EXCITED.

Then Wednesday night, right before bed, he wrote to say he couldn't.  

Three weeks until retreat, in the Dominican Republic, our whole OMS team counting on it.  NO speaker.  No childcare.

I couldn't even see who else was on our list.  Computer.

Not knowing WHAT to do and sick and tired, we went to bed.

Bed is my best brooding place.  Can I get an amen?

This drives Matt insane.  Can he get an amen?  I can't help it.  As soon as I lay down and the lights go out, my mind churns out my mouth at an accelerated pace and passion.

"What are we going to DO??  Matt, it's too late!  NO one will be able to do it this late, and it was our job to find someone, and now YOU'LL have to lead it, and YOU needed this retreat, too, but..."

"STACEY," Matt finally sighed exasperated. "I can't take anymore tonight.  Please, no more stress.  We'll talk about it tomorrow."

But I couldn't.  I was so discouraged.  With EVERYTHING.  NOTHING WAS WORKING!

Fine.  I didn't have to talk to Matt about it.

But I did have to talk to someone.

The One who never sleeps.

So I did, and did, and did.  And as O. Chambers reminded me today, prayer is about getting ahold of God, not getting ahold of an answer.

I prayed about it all, all my frustrations, disappointments, irritations.  Poured it out.  Asked God just to help me.  Help me get a grip.  Help me praise Him.  Help me back to His feet.  Let it all go.  Be His.  Be His.

And suddenly there they were.

Out of the darkness, He put them in my mind.  Retreat and it's speakers were no where near my mind, just Him, and as soon as it was just Him, He put them there.

And as soon as they got there I kept trying to give them 100 excuses why they couldn't, and I truly felt the Lord telling me just to ask them.

So I got BACK out of bed, Matt long since asleep, and emailed them with Matt's computer and this subject line: "retreat: this is crazy."

This morning, two days later, they bought tickets.  And a team from Fountain Gate Counseling Center is on their way to lead our OMS Spiritual Retreat in three weeks!  Specializing in cross-cultural issues, family issues, missionary care, transition, marriage and singleness, children and trauma.  Ready to leave their very full and very busy lives, ready to leave the country, and lead sessions and ready to work with the kids.

And they needed one more person for childcare.  And I apologetically took a crazy leap of faith stab in the dark this morning and asked another dear friend to come to help in a huge long FB message only to receive only this message:

yeah, works for me!



"So what is He teaching you, Stace?" my second-dad Greg Benson always asks in moments like these, and never rhetorically.

He's teaching me the same thing He is ALWAYS teaching me.  TRUST.

Not to trust that He would dot-dot-dot.  Get us a speaker.  Heal all of us.  Fix my computer.  Or take care of 10 other issues.

To trust in HIM.  To be steady, as He is steady, because I TRUST HIM.

He closed 20 doors for retreat, which was nothing but discouraging, frustrating and depressing to me of little faith. Instead of maintaing confidence that He held a door open and that He would bring us to it, and that that door would be the perfect one, I abandoned ship to discouragement.

This miracle/answer/praise the Lord! situation doesn't mean that we will always get an answer.

But seeking Him always gets HIM. 

And it's only when we're charging off on our own, stubborn or irritated or wronged or impatient or blubbering over a laptop and vomiting that we charge past the doors He's holding, asking and inviting obedience.

When we refuse to budge from Him, even for our own desires, He walks with us, and makes the open door--and obeying it--so OBVIOUS.  A joy.

The greatest tragedy of the week wasn't the retreat cancellation, all the sickness, nor the computer.  Nor the STINKIN' rat who refuses to die and keeps getting into EVERYTHING.

The tragedy of the week was my dejection over not having what I wanted.  What I "needed."  What I had been hoping and trusting God would do.

The tragedy of the week was Stacey-like-Martha.  Scattering about whines in my heart of all that was worrying me, only to be reminded when I finally searched Him out with my complaints that only One Thing is Needed (Luke 10:38-42)...that only One Thing that cannot be taken away.

A Mary heart for HIM, grounded attentively at His feet, fixed on His face.  Not. Going. Anywhere.

Trusting.

Him.

I Praise the Lord publicly tonight because of His faithfulness, because of answered prayer, because of obedience and what it has shown me, and I Praise the Lord because once again after once again after once again, it's Friday, and I have found Him.  

That's a good week.