this is one of those times

Wasn't I just on here talking about how this blog is personal?

It's about to get worse.  

(If you can't handle any more personal, abandon ship!)

I blew it.  In a big way.  And a ministry and a few people that I care about deeply and respect so greatly have been hurt.  It's killing me.

You know this is a complicated and difficult place to live and to minister...for everyone who lives and ministers here.  And while I can honestly say that for 7 years, Matt and I have tried our very best to love and to give and to DO our very best unto Him, sometimes we have.  And sometimes we've failed miserably.  

And while I have worked so hard to use this blog to challenge and to bless and to encourage, sometimes I have.  And sometimes I have failed miserably, and this is one of those times.

On December 20th, I wrote about my view from the back bench...my limited perspective, and just my unresolved raw perspective, at Lily's school Christmas party.  

And I recognized in that post how stinking complicated it all is.  How hard it is to know how to handle delicate situations in a fifth world country in a way that will bring Him glory.  

What I DIDN'T recognize in that post--what I DIDN'T tell you about (or even think about, for that matter)-- was the family and ministry behind the school who has wrestled with these complications far longer than I have even been on this earth... and yet CONTINUE to serve sacrificially, honestly, endlessly, thanklessly, generously.  Beautifully.  Inspirationally.  Who continue to pour out their VERY BEST unto the Lord.  Who we continue to see such abundant fruit through.  

When Brent and Jerry asked last week: "Who is doing it right?  Who is doing well?  What do you see that is beautiful?" We responded quickly: "Have you ever heard the name Mano Laguerre?  Let me tell you some of the awesome stuff we see at Pillatre!..."  

All the while I continue to be inspired by, encouraged by, and thankful for the beautiful ways Manno and Prisca and Haitian Christian Ministries pour out Jesus so well in Haiti...I didn't even THINK about that when I shared by party perspective.While I continue to share almost daily with people what an honor it is for our child and us to be a part of what they are doing there, I didn't share THAT.

And I am deeply sorry.  

As you know, the downside to sharing our hearts and walks with Him publicly is that when we mess up...It's out there.  And our words, even when it's just personal ramblings of a conflicted heart, can hurt deeply, can mess stuff up.  

And while I can feel sick all afternoon and consider never blogging again , and while I can email and call and apologize, I can't take it back.  Can't make it new.   The very people I have wanted to BE a blessing to, I have burdened.

If someone knows what they are doing, if someone is doing the best they can, if someone is loving Haiti well, it is Manno and Prisca.  It is Haitian Christian Ministries. 

If we have SEEN the church BEING His Church in Haiti, it is Manno and Prisca's church.  

If we have TESTIFIED to unbiased, humble, generous, godly and wise love here in Haiti being poured out freely on His children, it has been Mano and Prisca and the team they have surrounded themselves with.

If we have heard the Gospel preached, if we have beheld maturing of believers, if we have personally experienced quality Christian education, if we have seen Christ-compassion to those in need, it is at Haitian Christian Ministries, under Manno and Prisca's leadership.

It is because of those things that my personal ponderings which in turn has potentially harmed their relationship with some of the precious and generous people who HELP them DO WHAT THEY DO that I am devastated. 

If my post made you think, that's ok.  We're called to think.  But if my post made you re-think or doubt Manno and Prisca or their ministries, their wisdom, their cultural experience or how they do things, please stop right now.   Forgive me, take the meat, spit out the bones, and look at my LIFE.

I have no greater testimony than this:  

There were lots of reasons why we WANTED to send our children to a Haitian school.  And many more reasons why it felt impossible.  There are 715 children enrolled in Manno's grade school, alone.  One of them is foreigner.  One of them is our most precious gift.  You have thought we were crazy before for sending Lily to Haitian school.  Maybe you still do.  We have thought the same.  

But Lily is a happy, bi-lingual chatterbox student at Pillatre Christian School because we love, support and TRUST Mano and Prisca Laguerre, who they are and how they do things.

End of story.  

We trust them.  Not just with a Christmas party.  Not just with our friends kiddos.  Not just with cultural issues we don't pretend to understand or have worked out.  

We trust them with the care, education, safety and help in Godly upbringing our baby girl.  

I've got nothing more precious I could entrust them.  

Manno has gracefully and graciously forgiven me for NOT thinking, for not being more careful, for sharing instead of stepping out on trust that he has more than earned, and if my ponderings there hurt your feelings, insulted you, misrepresented you or made you think that you should for some reason stop aligning with this ministry, oh.   It is a miserably failed day.

If you'd like to START aligning with this ministry or have a passion for providing a daily meal and Christian education to one of Lily's 714 grade school-mates, please check out HCM's website for details, or email me.  

Tomorrow, I'm gonna get up and do my very best all over again, by His Grace.  

Thanks for yours.