the painful best

This quote popped up on my Facebook feed, and someone (CS Lewis of course :) finally articulated an idea that has been on repeat in my cycles of sanctification the past few years. 

Not doubting God's will. Not doubting that His is best. Just doubting if I want it. 

Every time I pray His will be done, it is so carefully, because with the genuine praying of His will must come the prayer that mine, if not aligned or far more safe, be undone. When I pray His good for others, I wonder every single time how painful that good might first be. When I see others hurting, I often try to fix it before I consider that it might be His GOOD.

I trust You, I have breathed shakily so many times the last five years, only to realize that I was holding out to Him a very narrow handful of options to trust Him with. 

I wanted to trust Him to heal my dad. I had to trust Him with my dad, instead, no ifs. 

I wanted to trust Him to make our several seasons of big transitions smooth and as I wanted them to be.  I had to trust Him with the seasons instead.

I often find myself  wanting to trust Him while not trusting others...I trust YOU, but I don't trust that so-and-so is working for our best!...and have been gently convicted and redirected again and again that if I regard or fear others as more powerful than God, then I'm not trusting Him at ALL. I trust YOU. 

If there is a but, as long as, or within these limits following after my trust, it's NOT "Your will be done." It's not "I trust You are working for my good and Your glory." 

Jesus gets this better than I do...God's very best plan and Jesus' very best trust...painful. Painful.

And yet in His darkest hour, He prayed His desire, and then surrendered it: "If possible, let this cup pass from me.  Nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will. If this cannot pass until I drink it, Your will be done."

No matter HOW painful, His good, His plan, His will...is it REALLY what we want? And what will start changing when it is...