when poked.

I don't anger easily nor often. Anger isn't where I came from, and it's rarely where I go. Almost never does my blood boil nor do I see red.

But oh man. 

A few days ago I could hardly see straight. 

This will surprise you, but every. single. mission. field. the Lord has ever given us has been made up entirely of people! 

Time and time again, when He asks us to feed His sheep, I find sheep! Every time He asks us to shepherd His people or come alongside His people or serve His people, I cherish joining the broken, hurting with the hurting, being faithful with the faithful, sharing what He's shared. I love coming alongside the lost and hungry, walking light in utter darkness, bearing Him to those who do not know Him.

BUT. 

When among His people there is pettiness? When instead of grace and sacrifice there is greed or unforgiveness among HIs people, when there is an opportunity for Christ-followers to love others well, open-handed...and instead rights and preferences are cling-fisted. Oh man. 

When so much grace has been given us, and when it's ALL HIS....possessiveness and MINE and ugly makes me BURN. 

Matt always says if you want to see how truly abandoned to the Lord someone is, poke their stuff.

I always think it's not that simple. Maybe it is. 

I couldn't sit. I couldn't calm. I steamed through my shower and most of my morning. I had to bite my tongue on several occasions throughout the day. My thoughts spun. I couldn't focus. I privately sounded like some hungry OT prophet throwing up my hands and blaming the Lord, some Jonah telling the Lord He did me wrong, some Moses version of your people are killing me.

Why do you always give us people to work with? What are we even doing? Is any of this making any difference? How we gonna see you MOVE when this is what you give me to work with? When these are the battles? 

And as I spun, getting angrier and more frustrated over a pile of endless dishes, this image flooded into my head...from nowhere, from not where my own mind was at all.

In the dark of a small room sat a woman. She was a bit older than me, a bit softer than me, and she sat in a worn out chair with a steaming cup of boring tea and a Bible on her lap. I didn't know who she was, but she knew my situation full-well. My situation was HER situation, and yet. Her lips were moving and her whole face and body were edged in radiance. She was radiating this golden peace, just full peace, and I could see and hear her entrusting each problem to Him....such complete TRUST was on her face and so worn was the rut of her habit.

While I spun and sputtered over people, she dwelled and trusted with HIM.

My frustration seeped back in as I pushed the image away and got a bit sassy. 

Lord, I complained,  sure, I WISH you made me one of those women who just sits in her chair with her Bible in the dark and who didn't get phased! Didn't get angry. Didn't get hurt. Just sat in your peace and prayed for your people, no matter what. 

I WISH instead of flailing around angry that I was that woman, every wrong-righted NOT by perfect people but by my trust in YOU, that every frustration was met by my faithful and steady and unceasing, well-worn prayers, that people drove me harder into prayer and into your sweetness instead of crazy and into bitterness. I WISH that was me! I scoffed, as if somehow He made me less than this.

Oh, that still small voice of the Lord that always catches me in my throat, silences me in my steps and melts my hard heart immediately. Lord, never stop speaking to me, sharp and loving.

DO you wish?  He firmly and unmistakably asked, raising an eyebrow and dropping my dishes.

DO you actually wish you were? 

My tone fell to the floor, along with all my excuses, blame and anger. 

WHY. Am. I. Not. That. Woman?

DO I actually want that softer, wiser, sweeter, more radiant, more faithful, prayer-driven woman to be me? DO I actually want to be her? Enough to BE HER? 

Am I actually the cling-fisted one, claiming "this is who I am" and "this is not how we do it" and "I have the right to be mad" and "the wrongness merits my anger" and "I don't deserve hard things like this."

DO I want to be laid-down, abandoned, glowing-like-Jesus her? 

What is keeping me? 

Am I actually ready to say, "YES, Lord...and HELP me, whatever it takes!"

His sheep? He's gonna take care of them. His sheep are...HIS. 

But in His love and patience He brought me back to what He is wanting to do IN ME...showed me something better. Suddenly, the person I really want Him to work on is me.

Dear ones.

There is NOTHING keeping us today from being the grounded, faithful, holy, trusting son or daughter He deeply desires us to be. 

There is NO ONE and NO THING keeping us from His perfect and unshakeable peace. 

There is NO pattern, no violation, no injustice, no travesty, no tragedy, no heritage, no fear, no prison, no shortcoming, no touching of our stuff that can keep us from looking like radiant, truly free people who rutted-RUN to His feet and radiate Him.  

Do we actually trust Him? Or do we just wish?

Do we actually look abandoned and like Him? Or do we just talk about it, holding on to our stuff?

Does the world actually need the us versions of us with Jesus band-aids, or does our church, our family, our neighborhood, our world actually need totally abandoned, unphased, anchored, beautiful children, at unwavering, praying without ceasing peace? 

I don't know why He stoops way down to our dirty dishes to show us the MORE, the BETTER, the TRUE.

But what love.