painful grace

This season truly has been full of the most painful graces of my life. 

At first run-through, it's been nothing but painful. 

These have been the hardest 12 consecutive months of my life, no question, one painful thing after another, tears unending, sleepless nights, lost 15 pounds, worship songs on permanent repeat, blurry Scripture verses taped on the walls and mirrors and steering wheels, often feeling pain more raw and deep than I felt like I could handle.  

I have wanted it to stop. I have wanted to escape. I have wanted to be someone else. I have wanted different circumstances, and I have begged for different outcomes. 

And yet. Driving seven kids three places at 7:30 this morning, I felt His unmistakable grace.

I realized not simply that after the storm, there is grace...but that looking back, much of the storm has BEEN grace. 

Much of what I begged to be different I am so thankful, now, He allowed. It was grace, those seemingly unanswered prayers, those nights of acute heartache. He had something different. He had something better. He held out so much of Himself in it. He has changed things I didn't think could change, and done things I sure couldn't do and no one could do for me. 

As the clouds are finally lifting on this long and dark night of the soul, I can see golden linings of His grace in so much of what felt so painful, and I can honestly say, not long after, that I am grateful He did what was best instead of what I wanted. So grateful for His grace, even when it was SO painful.

We spend so much time avoiding great pain, questioning His sovereignty and goodness through it, or trying to protect others from painful things...and yet walking those valleys of shadows, clinging to Him, brings about such growth and good in our lives, we realize He was loving us BEST in allowing for it. 

There are a few things I'm gonna have to keep trusting Him with, not seeing. Meanwhile, He has been good to show me lots of glimpses lately of His better and His sweet grace in many of these trials.  

I have hated the journey, but I am hopeful of where He's bringing us.

Matt is knee deep in both snow and his retreat in Aspen...lots of reflection, lots of healing, lots of guidance, lots of tools, lots of seeking, lots of resting in Him.  Being out of cell and internet service has been both hard and grounding, and while we are missing him (and some days feeling like a mama chicken running around with her head cut off keeping up with the crew on my own!) he's where he is supposed to be and the Lord's been gracious to make that clear as well! 

There are many of us in hard seasons right now...eyes on Jesus. Nothing is wasted--not in Him--so He IS taking you somewhere.  

Don't help Him, like Sarah and Hagar. Don't fight Him, like Pharaoh. Don't rush Him, like Saul. Don't look backwards like Lot's wife. Don't avoid Him, like Jonah. Don't blame Him, like Adam, and don't seek the traps of temporary relief the world offers.

Go WITH Him, stay close. We can trust Him, and the longer we walk all the closer, the more our hearts and lives start looking like Him. Painful grace.