spring

I have sniffed out a-many tearful times the past year a clinging, small, Stacey expression of faith: 

"I know He gives us what we need.  So while I had thought I needed... a good transition / a real good-bye /  those last few months to leave Haiti well /  a peaceful place to stay / a chance to look a houses first / a church home / fill-in-the-blank...I guess I didn't. Or He would have. It feels like I need that. But I guess I don't."

What I didn't know I needed was a weekend with Emily in the middle of an ice storm. 

But from the squeals of all my children at the door a few days ago to taillights in the dark at 5:30 am this morning...I. Did. 

I have been at my very lowest low with no vision or stirring or hope of the Lord seeing me in this wilderness time, and for the first time, instead of feeling darker and harder and lower as she left, I finally, finally feel some movement.

What I needed was someone who loves me and Jesus, someone who has lived alongside, truly, deeply, richly, for so many years, to crazy-come alongside RIGHT now. Right here. 

Emily didn't say anything significant. 

except that their years in Haiti were the very best and richest of her life  

except that the deep community she has prayed and worked for, hard, here in America, has been...hard

that Phil leaves HIS shoes all over the house and she trips over them all. the. time.

she cried with me for Josie, for Claudin, for their kiddos

she said a million little things that proved me well-known, and loved, and not crazy, not alone

she loved my children, who well-know and love her back

she listened as I cried, and cried, and cried, hot and ugly and deep, all the painful pain I haven't dared to articulate for fear of the ugly being too ugly and too true to be understood and loved, still, and not disgusted and even. more. alone.

And when I sobbed out heavy and deep thoughts that have not been true, they sounded --out loud, finally-- like lies. 

And when I drove Emily to Church #65 so she could bump into the only other friend from life-before that now lives in Mississippi, a gangly, Jesus-obsessed, 20-something, heavily-moustached best-friend of her son, I felt spring.

I have worshiped next to the sway of Emily so, so, so many times, in so, so many places and languages and mountain-tops, and to worship next to her yesterday was one.

I saw ministry yesterday I felt strangely stirred to be a part of--a stirring that used to be my constant friend. I spoke with people I wanted to genuinely connect with, saw places God is at work and where I could perhaps be, too...and I haven't been able to feel or see that in SO LONG. 

So much that has felt so dead and final and deeply sad, like all the friends and family and community we once had, showed up in the middle of the coldest and darkest time, and reminded me that it's not dead. 

Not final. And when she headed out this dark morning, it did not feel like the tiny flame I've been clinging to went out, too.

I've marveled many times about Hagar under that bush, abandoned and pushed away by those she loved, pathetic and bawling-ugly in the wilderness without a shard of hope...and then being entirely transformed just because in the middle of her most-lost-place, she "actually sees the One Who Sees Me"...and that making all the difference. 

How often does He see us through the crazy, imperfect, sacrificial love of simply coming alongside one another.

I'm praising the Lord this tired morning as my house begins to stir-too-early that God sees me and knows and pulls the small truths from the looming lies, that He gives me what I need, even the breadcrumbs from under the table, even the water from under the bush in the wilderness.

I'm praising the Lord that Emily got on a plane and went willingly to the wrong place to then sit in an icy rented car on an icy freeway for 26 hours to show up in the wilderness for hot mess ME, No. Matter. What... just like He does...in a day when the whole world's saying that you're not supposed to. 

Because Jesus left best and comfy home to painfully show up for a broken, pathetic, ugly world. 

I gotta get back to that. 

I finally want to.