tender to how He would teach us

Today is my quick  plug for counseling.  

Put on your steel-toes and ask someone wise and unemotionally involved to TELL you like it is.

Today, Michael had the audacity to suggest that perhaps it is a problem that I always try to take responsibility for--and attempt to alleviate, remedy and personally alter and carry--everyone elses feelings, issues, emotions, opinions, choices, challenges and struggles.  

It's how I care. It's how I mom. It's how I friend and how I partner, how I minister, how I listen and how I pray.  I'm a carry-er.

It's also how I unhealthy, it's also how I get crippled.

And sometimes, you just need someone--someone else--to say, "You know, this is just the way you are, sure, and there are strengths and weaknesses to it, but ultimately? You are NOT right. This is not true. You are not responsible for how other people feel. How other people respond. For other people's heartbreaks. For other people's hearts. For other people's problems. You are not God, and all this, all the time, is not your burden."

We all just need someone, sometimes, to say, "I know this is your normal. But there are things in this that are. not. true., and He can do MORE with and through you if you could hear those lies and recognize them as such and release them...and let Him change those habits."

When I see how challenging things in Haiti are...how challenging things in America....How challenging things are for you, for us, how complicated, how frustrating, how NOT simple.. "I wish they were different."  "I wish they were simple." "I wish I could carry it for you." "I wish I could fix it."

But you know what? he reminded me today, just as my liturgy from earlier did.  Look at how much you are learning. And look at how rich you are coming out the other side, because things WEREN'T easy and simple.  Don't pray for easy and simple.

Receiving help is no easy thing for me, not in the least. But if I'm going to receive it, and I AM, let me let Him use it.  Go ask someone today what lies you might be believing, and instead of denying it or kicking ourselves, friends, let's grow.

So let me remain tender now, to how

You would teach me. 

My disappointments reveal so much about my own agenda

for my life, and the ways I quietly demand

that it should all play out; free of conflict, 

free of pain, free of want.

My dreams are all so small. 

You are the King of my collapse.

You answer not what I demand,

but what I do not even know to ask.

Here is the ruins of my wrecked expectation, 

let me make this best confession:

Not my dreams

but yours

douglas kaine mckelvey